counseling – LIBERTY PSYCHOLOGICAL ASSOCIATION

Discernment Counseling, explained:

Discernment Counseling is a short-term, specialized form of couples counseling designed for partners who are uncertain about the future of their relationship — especially when one partner is leaning toward divorce and the other is leaning toward saving the marriage.

Here’s a clear breakdown:

Purpose

The goal isn’t to solve all marital problems or immediately repair the relationship. Instead, it helps couples gain clarity and confidence about whether to:

Stay together and work on the relationship,

Separate or divorce, or

Take a break before making a long-term decision.

Typical Context

It’s often used when couples are in what therapists call “mixed-agenda” situations:

One partner wants to preserve the relationship (“leaning in”).

The other is considering ending it (“leaning out”).

Traditional couples therapy doesn’t work well in this scenario because both partners have different goals. Discernment Counseling addresses that imbalance first.

Structure

Usually 1 to 5 sessions.

The counselor meets with both partners together, and also each partner individually during the session.

Focuses on understanding — not blaming or fixing.

Main Goals

Clarify what’s happened in the relationship to get to this point.

Understand each partner’s contributions to the problems.

Decide on a path forward with mutual respect and insight.

Outcome Options

At the end, couples typically choose one of three paths:

Path 1: Keep the status quo (no immediate changes).

Path 2: Move toward separation or divorce.

Path 3: Commit to a period (usually 6 months) of reconciliation-oriented couples therapy, with full effort from both sides.

I would like to explain how discernment counseling differs from traditional couples therapy or what a sample session looks like?

How discernment counseling differs from traditional couples therapy or what a sample session looks like?

How Discernment Counseling Differs from Traditional Couples Therapy

Aspect Discernment Counseling Traditional Couples Therapy Purpose To help couples decide whether to stay together or separate. To help couples improve and repair their relationship. When Used When partners are ambivalent or have mixed agendas (one leaning in, one leaning out).When both partners want to work on the relationship. DurationShort-term — usually 1 to 5 sessions. Ongoing — weekly sessions for months or longer.Focus Understanding what happened and clarifying future direction. Building skills (communication, trust, conflict resolution, intimacy). Therapist’s Role Neutral guide helping each partner reflect, not persuade. Active coach helping both partners collaborate on change. Outcome A decision — stay, separate, or try reconciliation therapy. Improved relationship through behavioral and emotional change. Client Readiness Designed for uncertainty and ambivalence. Requires mutual commitment to work on the relationship.

So, discernment counseling is about decision-making, not problem-solving it’s a structured pause before committing to either therapy or separation.

What a Sample Session Looks Like

Session Length: ~90 minutes

Step 1: Joint Conversation (15–20 min)

The counselor meets with both partners together.

Purpose: set the tone of respect and clarify goals (“We’re here to understand, not to make quick decisions”).

Each partner shares what brings them in and how they see the current situation.

Step 2: Individual Conversations (30–40 min total)

Each partner meets privately with the counselor.

The “leaning out” partner explores their ambivalence, reasons for leaving, and what they might need to consider staying.

The “leaning in” partner explores how they’ve contributed to the current state and what changes they’d make if given the chance.

Step 3: Rejoin and Reflect (20–30 min)

The counselor brings the couple back together.

Each partner summarizes insights they’ve gained (not negotiations).

The counselor helps them reflect on next steps — maintaining clarity and empathy.

If Further Sessions Occur:

Each session deepens understanding and moves toward one of three decisions:

Maintain the status quo for now.

Begin the process of separation/divorce.

Commit to couples therapy for six months of active repair work.

A brief example dialogue:

Here’s a brief, realistic example dialogue illustrating how a discernment counseling session might unfold when one partner is unsure (leaning out) and the other wants to save the marriage (leaning in).

Scene: First Session

Couple: Female Client (leaning out) and Male Client (leaning in)
and Counselor/Therapist:

Counselor/Therapist: Thank you both for being here. My role today isn’t to push you toward staying or separating, but to help you both understand what’s happened and what each of you wants moving forward. Sound okay?

Female Client: Yes. I’m not sure what I want right now I’ve thought about leaving, but I also feel guilty and confused.

Male Client: I just want us to work on things. I know it’s been bad, but I believe we can fix it.

Counselor/Therapist: That’s very common. In discernment counseling, we call this a mixed-agenda couple — one partner is leaning out, the other leaning in. My job is to help each of you get clearer about your own feelings and choices, not to pressure either way.

Individual Conversations

( Counselor/Therapist: with Female Client)
Counselor/Therapist: Female Client, what’s leading you to think about ending the marriage?

Female Client: I just feel done. We’ve had the same arguments for years, and I don’t feel heard anymore. I’m tired of hoping things will change.

Counselor/Therapist: That sounds painful. What part of you still feels uncertain?

Female Client: Well, we have two kids. And when Mark tries, he really tries. I just don’t know if it’s too late.

Counselor/Therapist: That uncertainty that small opening is something we can explore. Today, we’re not deciding; we’re understanding.

(Counselor/Therapist: with Male Client)
Counselor/Therapist: Male Client, what’s your hope for today?

Male Client: I want to show her I’m serious about changing. I know I’ve shut down emotionally, but I’m willing to do therapy or whatever it takes.

Counselor/Therapist: It’s good that you’re motivated. But remember, today isn’t about persuading Female Client it’s about understanding your part in how things got here. What do you think has been your contribution?

Male Client: I’ve avoided hard conversations. I think I made her feel alone.

Counselor/Therapist: That’s an honest reflection a good step toward clarity.

Joint Wrap-Up

Counselor/Therapist: You’ve both shared important insights today. Female Client:, you’re recognizing how exhaustion and hope are both present. , Male Client you’re seeing where withdrawal played a role.

My suggestion is that you both take a few days to reflect. When we meet next time, we can look at three possible paths:

Keep things as they are for now.

Move toward separation.

Commit to a period of structured couples therapy to rebuild.

The goal is clarity, not a rush to a decision.

Shervan K Shahhian

Understanding Discernment Counseling:

Here’s a clear breakdown:

Purpose:
The goal isn’t to solve all marital problems or immediately repair the relationship. Instead, it helps couples gain clarity and confidence about whether to:

Stay together and work on the relationship,

Separate or divorce, or

Take a break before making a long-term decision.

Typical Context:
It’s often used when couples are in what therapists call “mixed-agenda” situations:

One partner wants to preserve the relationship (“leaning in”).

The other is considering ending it (“leaning out”).

Traditional couples therapy doesn’t work well in this scenario because both partners have different goals. Discernment Counseling addresses that imbalance first.

Structure:
Usually 1 to 5 sessions.

The counselor meets with both partners together, and also each partner individually during the session.

Focuses on understanding — not blaming or fixing.

Main Goals:
Clarify what’s happened in the relationship to get to this point.

Understand each partner’s contributions to the problems.

Decide on a path forward with mutual respect and insight.

Outcome Options:
At the end, couples typically choose one of three paths:

Path 1: Keep the status quo (no immediate changes).

Path 2: Move toward separation or divorce.

Path 3: Commit to a period (usually 6 months) of reconciliation-oriented couples therapy, with full effort from both sides.

I would you like to explain how discernment counseling differs from traditional couples therapy or what a sample session looks like?

How discernment counseling differs from traditional couples therapy or what a sample session looks like?

Let’s look at both:

How Discernment Counseling Differs from Traditional Couples Therapy
Aspect Discernment Counseling Traditional Couples Therapy
Purpose To help couples decide whether to stay together or separate. To help couples improve and repair their relationship.
When Used When partners are ambivalent or have mixed agendas (one leaning in, one leaning out). When both partners want to work on the relationship.

Duration Short-term — usually 1 to 5 sessions. Ongoing — weekly sessions for months or longer.

Focus Understanding what happened and clarifying future direction. Building skills (communication, trust, conflict resolution, intimacy).
Therapist’s Role Neutral guide helping each partner reflect, not persuade. Active coach helping both partners collaborate on change.

Outcome A decision — stay, separate, or try reconciliation therapy. Improved relationship through behavioral and emotional change.
Client Readiness Designed for uncertainty and ambivalence. Requires mutual commitment to work on the relationship.
So, discernment counseling is about decision-making, not problem-solving — it’s a structured pause before committing to either therapy or separation.

What a Sample Session Looks Like:
Session Length: ~90 minutes

Step 1: Joint Conversation (15–20 min)

The counselor meets with both partners together.

Purpose: set the tone of respect and clarify goals (“We’re here to understand, not to make quick decisions”).

Each partner shares what brings them in and how they see the current situation.

Step 2: Individual Conversations (30–40 min total)

Each partner meets privately with the counselor.

The “leaning out” partner explores their ambivalence, reasons for leaving, and what they might need to consider staying.

The “leaning in” partner explores how they’ve contributed to the current state and what changes they’d make if given the chance.

Step 3: Rejoin and Reflect (20–30 min)

The counselor brings the couple back together.

Each partner summarizes insights they’ve gained (not negotiations).

The counselor helps them reflect on next steps — maintaining clarity and empathy.

If Further Sessions Occur:

Each session deepens understanding and moves toward one of three decisions:

Maintain the status quo for now.

Begin the process of separation/divorce.

Commit to couples therapy for six months of active repair work.

Would you like me to show you a brief example dialogue from a discernment counseling session — one “leaning out” partner and one “leaning in”?

A brief example dialogue:
Here’s a brief, realistic example dialogue illustrating how a discernment counseling session might unfold when one partner is unsure (leaning out) and the other wants to save the marriage (leaning in).

Scene: First Session:
Couple: Female Client (leaning out) and Male Client (leaning in)
Counselor

Counselor: Thank you both for being here. My role today isn’t to push you toward staying or separating, but to help you both understand what’s happened and what each of you wants moving forward. Sound okay?

Female Client: Yes. I’m not sure what I want right now — I’ve thought about leaving, but I also feel guilty and confused.

Male Client: I just want us to work on things. I know it’s been bad, but I believe we can fix it.

Counselor: That’s very common. In discernment counseling, we call this a mixed-agenda couple — one partner is leaning out, the other leaning in. My job is to help each of you get clearer about your own feelings and choices, not to pressure either way.

Individual Conversations:
(Counselor: with Female Client)
Counselor: Female Client, what’s leading you to think about ending the marriage?

Female Client: I just feel done. We’ve had the same arguments for years, and I don’t feel heard anymore. I’m tired of hoping things will change.

Counselor: That sounds painful. What part of you still feels uncertain?

Female client: Well, we have two kids. And when Male Client tries, he really tries. I just don’t know if it’s too late.

Counselor: That uncertainty — that small opening — is something we can explore. Today, we’re not deciding; we’re understanding.

(Counselor with Male Client):
Counselor: Client, what’s your hope for today?

Male Client: I want to show her I’m serious about changing. I know I’ve shut down emotionally, but I’m willing to do therapy or whatever it takes.

Counselor: It’s good that you’re motivated. But remember, today isn’t about persuading Female Client it’s about understanding your part in how things got here. What do you think has been your contribution?

Male Client: I’ve avoided hard conversations. I think I made her feel alone.

Counselor: That’s an honest reflection — a good step toward clarity.

Joint Wrap-Up:
Counselor: You’ve both shared important insights today. Female Client, you’re recognizing how exhaustion and hope are both present. Male Client, you’re seeing where withdrawal played a role.

My suggestion is that you both take a few days to reflect. When we meet next time, we can look at three possible paths:

Keep things as they are for now.

Move toward separation.

Commit to a period of structured couples therapy to rebuild.

The goal is clarity, not a rush to a decision.

Shervan K Shahhian

Understanding Multicultural Therapy:

Understanding Multicultural Therapy:

Multicultural therapy is an approach to counseling and psychotherapy that takes into account the cultural backgrounds and perspectives of clients. It recognizes that individuals come from diverse cultural, ethnic, and social backgrounds, and that these factors significantly influence their thoughts, behaviors, and experiences. The goal of multicultural therapy is to promote understanding, sensitivity, and inclusivity in therapeutic practices.

Here are key components of multicultural therapy:

Cultural Awareness and Sensitivity: Therapists in multicultural therapy strive to be aware of their own cultural biases and to develop a deep understanding of the cultural backgrounds of their clients. This includes recognizing the impact of cultural norms, values, traditions, and experiences on an individual’s worldview.

Cultural Competence: Therapists aim to be culturally competent, meaning they have the knowledge and skills to effectively work with clients from diverse backgrounds. This involves staying informed about different cultures, traditions, and relevant social issues.

Intersectionality: Multicultural therapy recognizes the intersectionality of identities, meaning that individuals may belong to multiple social groups (e.g., race, gender, sexual orientation, socioeconomic status). Therapists consider the unique challenges and strengths associated with these intersecting identities.

Cultural Assessment: Therapists may conduct cultural assessments to better understand a client’s cultural background, experiences of discrimination, and the impact of cultural factors on mental health. This helps in tailoring the therapeutic approach to meet the client’s specific needs.

Adaptation of Therapeutic Techniques: Multicultural therapists often adapt therapeutic techniques to be more culturally sensitive and relevant. This may involve incorporating cultural practices, rituals, or metaphors into the therapeutic process.

Empowerment: Multicultural therapy emphasizes empowering clients within the context of their cultural identities. This involves recognizing and building on clients’ strengths and resilience, as well as supporting their ability to navigate and challenge systemic barriers.

Social Justice Advocacy: Some multicultural therapists engage in advocacy efforts to address systemic inequalities and social justice issues. This reflects an understanding that mental health is interconnected with broader social, economic, and political factors.

Language Considerations: Language is a crucial aspect of culture. Multicultural therapists may work to ensure effective communication by addressing language barriers, using interpreters when needed, or providing therapy in the client’s preferred language.

Ultimately, the aim of multicultural therapy is to create a therapeutic environment that is inclusive, respectful, and responsive to the diverse needs of individuals from various cultural backgrounds. This approach recognizes the importance of cultural factors in shaping a person’s identity and experiences, and it seeks to promote positive mental health outcomes within this cultural context.

Shervan K Shahhian