relationships – LIBERTY PSYCHOLOGICAL ASSOCIATION

People who knew us in our youth may never see us for who we are today, but Why?

There could be a powerful psychological reason for this: people may often carry an outdated mental representation of us.

Someone who knew you when you were young may unconsciously continue to see you through the identity you had at that time, or the identity they think you in the past, even when decades have passed and even when decades have of growth have changed you.

Why this happens

1. Their memory freezes a version of you.

When people know us during our formative years, their memories become organized around that period. We may be 50, 60, or 70 today, but to them, we may still feel like the teenager, the young adult, the shy person, the rebellious person, the joker or the person who was not serious back then.

2. They confuse familiarity with knowing.

Knowing someone form a long time ago, doesn’t necessarily mean knowing who they have become. They may know your past better than your present.

3. They have an established a false “schema” for you.

In mental health, a schema may be a mental framework through which we interpret information. Once someone has formed a strong schema, “That’s just who they are”, they tend to notice information that confirms it and overlook evidence that contradicts it.

4. Your growth may be uncomfortable for them.

If you have changed substantially, your development may challenge their own narrative about you. Accepting that you’ve become more confident, knowledgeable, independent, emotionally mature, or accomplished may require them to revise their understanding of the past.

5. They remember your role in the old relationship, years ago.

This is especially important. People don’t only remember you; they remember who they were in relation to you. If you were the younger sibling, playful friend, joker, classmate, or just a quite person, they may unconsciously continue interacting with that version of you.

6. They may not have witnessed your transformation.

Personal development is usually gradual and happens privately. You experienced thousands of small changes, new experiences, failures, insights, relationships, education, losses, accomplishments, and choices. Someone who hasn’t been present for those changes doesn’t have the same evidence you have.

The interesting part

Sometimes strangers may see us more accurately than people who knew us decades ago.

A new person encounters who you are now. They don’t have to reconcile your present identity with an old mental picture.

An old acquaintance may unconsciously think:

“I know who you are.”

A newer person may be more open to:

“Let me discover who you are.”

And that distinction may be profound.

You don’t necessarily need their recognition

One of the psychologically liberating realizations of adulthood is:

You are not obligated to remain psychologically consistent with the person someone remembers from a long time ago.

You may say, internally:

“You knew me then. You don’t necessarily know me now.”

Their memory of your past “may” explain your past?, but it will not define your present.

And sometimes the people who knew us in our youth are actually Refusing To See Our Growth, or they simply don’t have enough current information to update their mental picture of us, or Their jealousy and competitiveness prevent them from seeing how much we have grown.

Shervan K Shahhian

The personal fulfillment of helping others is the sense of meaning, satisfaction,…

“For me and for some others, that sense of meaningful contribution is one of the deepest sources of personal fulfillment.”

The Personal Fulfillment of Helping Others

The personal fulfillment of helping others is the sense of meaning, satisfaction, and emotional reward a person experiences when they contribute to another person’s well-being.

It could be connected to the human need for purpose, connection, compassion, and meaningful contribution.

Why helping others may feel fulfilling

A sense of purpose

Helping someone may create the feeling that your time, knowledge, and efforts have genuine meaning.

“I made a positive difference in someone’s life, Wow.”

Meaningful connection

Acts of kindness may strengthen our connection with other people and reduce feelings of isolation or disconnection.

Compassion and empathy

When we understand another person’s suffering, helping them may provide a powerful sense of emotional meaning.

Personal growth

Helping others may develop patience, wisdom, empathy, resilience, and a deeper understanding of life.

A sense of contribution

Many people find fulfillment in knowing they are contributing to something larger than themselves, whether through family, community, work, volunteering, therapy, mentorship, or simple acts of kindness.

The psychological concept of a “helper’s high”

Helping others may sometimes produce positive emotional experiences such as joy, gratitude, satisfaction, and a sense of purpose. This is sometimes informally called a “helper’s high.” Positive social behavior may also strengthen a person’s sense of connection and well-being.

An important distinction

Healthy fulfillment comes from choosing to help, not from feeling that you must save everyone.

A healthy mindset might be:

“I want to help whenever I can, while also understanding my own boundaries and limitations.”

An unhealthy pattern may involve:

“My value depends on constantly rescuing other people.”

This may lead to compassion fatigue, burnout, emotional exhaustion, or codependent patterns.

In essence

The fulfillment of helping others may come from the profound human experience of realizing:

“My existence and my actions have made someone else’s life a little better.”

“For me and for some others, that sense of meaningful contribution is one of the deepest sources of personal fulfillment.”

Shervan K Shahhian

Catfishing is a form of deception:

Catfishing is a form of deception in which someone creates a false online identity to manipulate, deceive, or exploit another person. The fake identity may involve stolen photos, a fabricated biography, or lies about age, occupation, relationship status, location, or intentions.

Possible Reasons People Catfish

People catfish for different reasons, that may include:

Seeking emotional attention or validation.
Escaping loneliness or low self-esteem.
Financial scams (“romance scams”).
Identity theft or fraud.
Revenge or harassment.
Entertainment or “trolling.”
Grooming or exploiting vulnerable individuals.

Possible Common Warning Signs

Some red flags may include:

They refuse to video chat or meet in person despite months of communication.
They have excuses for why they cannot meet (“I’m overseas,” “My camera is broken,” “I’m working on a secret project.”).
Their photos appear unusually professional or model like.
Their stories frequently change or contain inconsistencies.
They declare love or deep emotional attachment very quickly.
They ask for money, gift cards, cryptocurrency, or financial help.
They avoid answering direct personal questions.
Their social media presence is sparse, newly created, or lacks interactions from real friends.
They pressure you to keep the relationship secret.

Emotional Manipulation Techniques

Catfishers may use psychological tactics such as:

Love bombing: Excessive affection and compliments early in the relationship.
Emotional dependency: Making you feel like you’re the only person who understands them.
Creating crises: Constant emergencies requiring emotional or financial support.
Guilt: Making you feel responsible if you question them.
Isolation: Encouraging you to withdraw from family and friends.

How to Possibly Protect Yourself

Reverse search their profile photos using a search engine.
Ask for a live video call early in the relationship.
Verify details they tell you through public information when appropriate.
Never send money or share sensitive financial information.
Trust your instincts if something feels “off.”
Talk to trusted friends, family, and the authorities, because they may notice warning signs you miss.

What to Do If You Think You’re Being Catfished

Stop sending money or personal information.
Save screenshots and messages as evidence.
Ask for a live video call or another form of identity verification.
End contact if they continue making excuses or become manipulative.
Report the account to the platform where you met.
If money was involved, contact your bank immediately and report the fraud to the appropriate authorities.

Psychological Impact

Being catfished may lead to:

Betrayal and loss of trust
Shame or embarrassment
Anxiety and depression
Grief over the loss of what felt like a real relationship
Difficulty trusting future partners

It’s important to remember that catfishing relies on deception. Intelligent, cautious people can still become victims because scammers often exploit normal human needs for connection, affection, and companionship.

Report the fraud to the appropriate authorities.

Shervan K Shahhian

Catfishing maybe a form of deception in which someone creates a false online identity to manipulate,…

Catfishing maybe a form of deception in which someone creates a false online identity to manipulate, deceive, or exploit another person. The fake identity may involve stolen photos, a fabricated biography, or lies about age, occupation, relationship status, location, or intentions.

Common Reasons People Catfish

People may catfish for different reasons, including:

Seeking emotional attention or validation.
Escaping loneliness or low self-esteem.
Financial scams (“romance scams”).
Identity theft or fraud.
Revenge or harassment.
Entertainment or “trolling.”
Grooming or exploiting vulnerable individuals.

Common Warning Signs

Some red flags may include:

They refuse to video chat or meet in person despite months of communication.
They have excuses for why they cannot meet (“I’m overseas,” “My camera is broken,” “I’m working on a secret project.”).
Their photos appear unusually professional or model like.
Their stories frequently change or contain inconsistencies.
They declare love or deep emotional attachment very quickly.
They ask for money, gift cards, cryptocurrency, or financial help.
They avoid answering direct personal questions.
Their social media presence is sparse, newly created, or lacks interactions from real friends.
They pressure you to keep the relationship secret.

Emotional Manipulation Techniques

Catfishers may often use psychological tactics such as:

Love bombing: Excessive affection and compliments early in the relationship.
Emotional dependency: Making you feel like you’re the only person who understands them.
Creating crises: Constant emergencies requiring emotional or financial support.
Guilt: Making you feel responsible if you question them.
Isolation: Encouraging you to withdraw from family and friends.

How to Protect Yourself

Reverse search their profile photos using a search engine.
Ask for a live video call early in the relationship.
Verify details they tell you through public information when appropriate.
Never send money or share sensitive financial information.
Trust your instincts if something feels “off.”
Talk to trusted friends or family, they may notice warning signs you miss.

What to Do If You Think You’re Being Catfished

Stop sending money or personal information.
Save screenshots and messages as evidence.
Ask for a live video call or another form of identity verification.
End contact if they continue making excuses or become manipulative.
Report the account to the platform where you met.
If money was involved, contact your bank immediately and report the fraud to the appropriate authorities.

Psychological Impact

Being catfished may lead to:

Betrayal and loss of trust
Shame or embarrassment
Anxiety and depression
Grief over the loss of what felt like a real relationship
Difficulty trusting future partners

It’s important to remember that catfishing relies on deception. Intelligent, cautious people may still become victims because scammers often exploit normal human needs for connection, affection, and companionship.

Shervan K Shahhian

Machiavellianism maybe a personality trait characterized by strategic manipulation:

Machiavellianism is a personality trait characterized by strategic manipulation, emotional detachment, and a focus on personal gain or power. The term comes from Niccolò Machiavelli, whose writings, especially The Prince, were interpreted as emphasizing pragmatic, sometimes ruthless political strategy.

Key characteristics

Manipulative behavior: influencing others to achieve one’s goals.
Strategic thinking: planning several steps ahead.
Emotional detachment: making decisions with less regard for feelings.
Cynicism: assuming others are motivated by self-interest.
Focus on power, status, or advantage: prioritizing outcomes over relationships.

Common behaviors

A person high in Machiavellianism might:

Use flattery strategically.
Withhold information when it benefits them.
Form alliances for practical reasons rather than emotional closeness.
Exploit weaknesses or conflicts between people.
Appear charming while pursuing a hidden agenda.

Machiavellianism vs. healthy influence

Healthy influence	Machiavellian influence
Transparent communication	Hidden motives
Mutual benefit	Primarily self-benefit
Respect for boundaries	Willingness to bend boundaries
Empathy and trust	Calculated use of trust
Long-term healthy relationships	Long-term control or advantage

The “Dark Triad”

In psychology, Machiavellianism maybe grouped with:

Machiavellianism

Strategic manipulation

Manipulation and strategic exploitation

Narcissism

Grandiosity

Grandiosity and need for admiration

Psychopathy

Low empathy

Low empathy, impulsivity, and callousness

Together they are called the Dark Triad. Someone may be high in one trait and not necessarily high in the others.

Is Machiavellianism a disorder?

No. It maybe considered a personality trait, not a mental disorder. However, very high levels may contribute to interpersonal problems, unethical behavior, workplace conflict, or exploitative relationships.

Signs in relationships

Potential red flags

Repeated pattern

Frequent guilt tripping or emotional leverage
Selective honesty
Playing people against each other
Keeping score of favors
Using affection, attention, or approval as a bargaining tool
Rarely accepting responsibility when caught manipulating

What research says

Studies generally find that people higher in Machiavellianism tend to:

Be effective in short term competitive situations.
Excel at reading social dynamics.
Have lower levels of empathy and trust.
Experience more unstable or conflict-prone relationships.
Be viewed as less trustworthy over time.

A simple example

Healthy negotiation: “Let’s find a solution that works for both of us.”

Machiavellian approach: “If I make them feel guilty and reveal only part of the information, I can get the outcome I want.”

The key difference

Intent matters

The key difference is not simply being strategic. Strategic thinking is normal and often healthy. Machiavellianism involves using strategy, manipulation, and emotional leverage primarily for personal advantage, often with little concern for the other person’s wellbeing.

Shervan K Shahhian

Emotional Blackmail is a form of psychological manipulation:

Emotional Blackmail is a form of psychological manipulation in which someone uses fear, obligation, guilt, shame, or affection to pressure another person into doing what they want. The goal is to control another person’s behavior by exploiting the relationship rather than communicating openly and respectfully.

How Emotional Blackmail Works

It often follows a predictable pattern:

A demand

The person wants you to do something.

Example: “You need to cancel your plans and stay with me.”

Resistance

You politely decline or express your own needs.

Pressure

They increase the emotional pressure.

They may criticize, guilt trip, threaten, or play the victim.

Compliance

You give in to stop the conflict or avoid feeling guilty.

Repetition

They learn that this strategy works and continue using it.

Common Tactics

1. Guilt Tripping

Making you feel responsible for their emotions.

Examples:

“After everything I’ve done for you…”

“You’re so selfish.”

“A good son/daughter would help.”

2. Fear

Creating fear of consequences.

Examples:

“If you leave me, I’ll never recover.”

“You’ll regret this.”

“Don’t expect me to be there for you.”

3. Obligation

Making you feel indebted.

Examples:

“You owe me.”

“I sacrificed everything for you.”

4. Shame

Attacking your character.

Examples:

“You’re a terrible friend.”

“Only bad people would say no.”

5. Silent Treatment

Using withdrawal of affection or communication as punishment.

Examples:

Ignoring texts.

Refusing to speak for days.

6. Playing the Victim

Presenting themselves as helpless to make you feel guilty.

Examples:

“Nobody cares about me.”

“Everyone abandons me.”

7. Conditional Love

Making affection dependent on obedience.

Examples:

“If you loved me, you would…”

“I thought you cared about me.”

The FOG Model

F – Fear

Fear of conflict, rejection, abandonment, or punishment.

O – Obligation

Feeling you “should” do what they ask.

G – Guilt

Feeling like a bad person for saying no.

When you’re in FOG, it becomes difficult to make decisions based on your own values and needs.

Why People Use Emotional Blackmail

Not everyone who uses these tactics is intentionally malicious. Some people learned these behaviors growing up or use them because they struggle to communicate their needs effectively. Others may use them deliberately to gain control.

Possible reasons include:

Poor emotional regulation
Fear of abandonment
Insecure attachment
Learned family patterns
Desire for control
Certain personality traits or disorders (though emotional blackmail is not specific to any one diagnosis)

Signs You May Be Experiencing Emotional Blackmail

You might notice that:

You constantly feel guilty for saying no.
You feel responsible for someone else’s happiness.
You walk on eggshells.
You often give in just to keep the peace.
Your boundaries are repeatedly ignored.
You feel anxious before expressing your own needs.

Signs You May Be Experiencing Emotional Blackmail

You might notice that:

You constantly feel guilty for saying no.

You feel responsible for someone else’s happiness.

You walk on eggshells.

You often give in just to keep the peace.

Your boundaries are repeatedly ignored.

You feel anxious before expressing your own needs.

Healthy Ways to Respond

Stay calm and avoid reacting impulsively.

Acknowledge their feelings without accepting unfair responsibility.

“I understand you’re upset.”

Repeat your boundary clearly.

“I can’t do that.”

Avoid lengthy justifications, which may invite further pressure.

Recognize guilt as a feeling, not proof that you’ve done something wrong.

If the pattern is ongoing, consider limiting contact or seeking support from trusted friends or a mental health professional.

Example

Emotional Blackmail

Person A: “I can’t lend you money this month.”

Person B: “I guess you don’t care if I end up homeless. After everything I’ve done for you.”

The second response attempts to create guilt rather than discuss the situation constructively.

Healthy Alternative

Person A: “I can’t lend you money this month.”

Person B: “I’m disappointed, but I understand. I’ll look for other options.”

This response expresses emotion while respecting the other person’s decision.

Key Point

Emotional blackmail differs from healthy emotional expression. It’s normal for people to express sadness, disappointment, or frustration. It becomes emotional blackmail when those emotions are used as tools of pressure or control, rather than shared honestly in a way that respects the other person’s autonomy and boundaries.

Shervan K Shahhian

Trauma Bonding could be a strong emotional attachment that develops between,…

Trauma bonding could be a strong emotional attachment that develops between a person and someone who repeatedly harms, manipulates, or abuses them. The bond forms through a recurring cycle of abuse followed by kindness, affection, apologies, or promises to change. This pattern may make it very difficult for the victim to leave the relationship, even when they recognize it is harmful.

It is important to distinguish trauma bonding from healthy love. A trauma bond is maintained by fear, dependency, intermittent rewards, and emotional confusion, not by mutual respect, trust, and safety.

How Trauma Bonding Develops

Trauma bonds may typically develop through a repeating cycle:

Love and idealization
- The relationship begins with affection, attention, or excessive praise (sometimes called love bombing).
Abuse or mistreatment
- Emotional, verbal, physical, sexual, or financial abuse occurs.
- The victim experiences fear, confusion, or emotional pain.
Reconciliation
- The abusive person apologizes, becomes affectionate, or promises to change.
- Temporary kindness creates hope that the relationship will improve.
Calm period
- Things seem normal for a while.
- The victim becomes emotionally invested again.
The cycle repeats
- Each repetition may strengthens the emotional bond.

Why Trauma Bonds Become So Strong

Several psychological mechanisms may contribute:

Intermittent reinforcement
- Kindness is unpredictable, making positive moments feel especially rewarding.
- This is similar to the psychology behind gambling, where unpredictable rewards strengthen behavior.
Fear and relief
- The abuser becomes both the source of fear and the source of comfort.
- Relief after abuse may be mistaken for love.
Emotional dependency
- The victim may begin believing they need the abuser emotionally or financially.
Isolation
- The abusive person may discourage relationships with friends or family, increasing dependence.
Hope
- Victims may remain because they believe the “good” version of the person will return.

Common Signs of Trauma Bonding

Someone experiencing a trauma bond may:

Defend the abusive person’s behavior.
Minimize or rationalize the abuse.
Feel unable to leave despite recognizing the harm.
Blame themselves for the abuse.
Miss the abuser intensely after separation.
Feel guilty for setting boundaries.
Hide the abuse from others.
Believe only the abusive person truly understands them.
Experience repeated cycles of leaving and returning.

Trauma Bonding vs. Healthy Attachment

Healthy Relationship	Trauma Bond
Trust	Fear and anxiety
Respect	Control and manipulation
Consistent affection	Unpredictable affection
Healthy communication	Gaslighting and intimidation
Safe disagreements	Fear of conflict
Mutual independence	Emotional dependency
Stable emotional climate	Emotional highs and lows

Trauma Bonding vs. Stockholm Syndrome

Although the terms are sometimes confused, they are different.

Trauma Bonding

May occur in ongoing abusive relationships.
Develops through repeated cycles of abuse and reward.
Common in intimate relationships and families.

Stockholm Syndrome

Originally described in hostage situations.
Refers to hostages developing positive feelings toward captors under extreme circumstances.
It is not an officially recognized mental disorder.

Where Trauma Bonds May Occur

Trauma bonds may develop in many settings:

Romantic relationships
Parent child relationships
Domestic violence situations
Cults or high control groups
Human trafficking
Workplace abuse
Elder abuse
Some caregiver relationships

Effects on Mental Health

Trauma bonding may contribute to:

Anxiety
Depression
Low self-esteem
Hypervigilance
Shame and guilt
Difficulty trusting others
Symptoms associated with Post traumatic stress disorder or complex trauma
Difficulty forming healthy relationships

Breaking a Trauma Bond

Recovery is possible, though it may take time.

Helpful steps include:

Recognize the abusive cycle.
Reduce or eliminate contact when it is safe to do so.
Build support from trusted friends, family, or support groups.
Learn about manipulation tactics such as gaslighting, coercive control, and emotional blackmail.
Practice healthy boundaries.
Work with a trauma informed mental health professional if needed.
Focus on rebuilding self-esteem and independence.
Be patient with yourself, missing the abusive person does not mean the relationship was healthy.

What Research Shows

Some research may suggest that trauma bonding maybe closely related to:

Intermittent reinforcement from behavioral psychology.
Attachment processes, especially when insecurity or dependency is present.
Consult with a Neurologist: The neurobiology of stress and reward, involving stress hormones and the mind’s reward pathways, which may make abusive relationships especially difficult to leave.

Key Takeaway

Trauma bonding is not a sign of weakness or genuine love. It is a psychological response that may develop under repeated cycles of abuse, fear, and intermittent affection. Understanding how these cycles work maybe the first step towards recognizing unhealthy relationships and moving toward recovery and healthier connections.

Shervan K Shahhian

Psychological Domination refers to the use of psychological tactics to,…

Psychological domination refers to the use of psychological tactics to gain, maintain, or exert power and control over another person’s thoughts, emotions, decisions, or behavior. It may occur in many different contexts, and whether it is healthy or harmful depends on the nature of the relationship and whether it is consensual.

There maybe two broad forms:

1. Harmful Psychological Domination (Coercive Control)

This is the form most commonly discussed in psychology and mental health. It involves manipulating or controlling another person against their will.

Common tactics include:

Coercive manipulation: (using fear, guilt, or obligation)
Gaslighting: (making someone question their memory or perception of reality)
Isolation: from family and friends
Emotional blackmail
Intimidation and threats
Excessive criticism or humiliation
Love bombing: followed by withdrawal of affection
Monitoring and surveillance
Controlling finances, communication, or daily activities
Creating dependency: so the person feels unable to leave

The goal may be to reduce the person’s independence and increase the dominator’s power.

Possible effects on the victim include:

Anxiety
Depression
Low self-esteem
Self-doubt
Learned helplessness
Confusion
Trauma symptoms
Difficulty trusting others

2. Consensual Psychological Domination

In some adult relationships, psychological dominance is part of a mutually agreed upon dynamic, such as in certain forms of power exchange. In these cases:

Both individuals freely consent.
Clear boundaries are established.
Either person can withdraw consent.
Mutual respect and communication are essential.

This differs fundamentally from abusive psychological domination because it is voluntary and negotiated.

How Psychological Domination Works

People seeking psychological dominance may often exploit normal human needs, such as the need for:

Love and acceptance
Security
Belonging
Approval
Predictability
Identity

Over time, they may condition another person to seek their approval while becoming increasingly fearful of disagreement or independence.

Warning Signs

Someone may be attempting psychological domination if they:

Need to control every decision.
Punish disagreement.
Constantly tell you what you should think or feel.
Rewrite events to make you doubt yourself.
Encourage dependence while discouraging independence.
Use guilt or shame to influence your choices.
Alternate kindness with cruelty to keep you emotionally off balance.

Psychological Concepts Related to Psychological Domination

Several concepts overlap with psychological domination:

Coercive control
Gaslighting
Trauma bonding
Learned helplessness
Psychological manipulation
Narcissistic abuse

In Clinical Psychology

Mental health professionals may view harmful psychological domination as a pattern of coercive control rather than a single behavior. It is recognized as a significant form of emotional and psychological abuse and is associated with increased risk of anxiety disorders, depression, and post-traumatic stress symptoms.

In short, psychological domination is the systematic use of psychological influence to establish power over another person. When it is non-consensual, it is generally considered a form of emotional or psychological abuse. When it is fully informed, voluntary, and consensual between adults, it refers to a very different type of interpersonal dynamic.

Shervan K Shahhian

Controlling Behavior refers to actions used to dominate, direct, or excessively,…

Controlling behavior refers to actions used to dominate, direct, or excessively influence another person’s thoughts, feelings, choices, or activities. It often stems from a need for power, certainty, security, or fear of losing control.

Common Signs of Controlling Behavior

Constantly telling others what they should do.
Monitoring or checking up on people excessively.
Making decisions for others without their input.
Criticizing or micromanaging how others do things.
Using guilt, threats, intimidation, or manipulation to get compliance.
Isolating someone from friends, family, or support systems.
Demanding excessive reassurance, loyalty, or obedience.
Refusing to respect personal boundaries.

Examples

A partner insists on knowing where their spouse is at all times.
A parent makes major life decisions for an adult child without considering their wishes.
A manager micromanages every detail and allows no autonomy.
A friend uses guilt to pressure someone into doing what they want.

Why People Become Controlling

Controlling behavior may develop from:

Anxiety and fear of uncertainty.
Insecurity or low self-esteem.
Fear of abandonment or rejection.
Perfectionism.
Learned behavior from family or past relationships.
A desire for power and dominance.

Healthy Influence vs. Controlling Behavior

Healthy influence:

Respects autonomy.
Encourages discussion and collaboration.
Accepts disagreement.
Honors boundaries.

Controlling behavior:

Seeks compliance rather than cooperation.
Uses pressure, manipulation, or intimidation.
Disregards boundaries.
Punishes disagreement.

Impact on Others

People subjected to controlling behavior may experience:

Reduced self-confidence.
Anxiety and stress.
Resentment and anger.
Difficulty making independent decisions.
Feelings of being trapped or powerless.

What Helps

Recognize and clearly define boundaries.
Communicate needs assertively.
Encourage mutual respect and autonomy.
Address underlying fears or insecurities.
Consider counseling if the pattern is persistent or damaging.

When controlling behavior becomes severe and involves intimidation, isolation, threats, surveillance, or coercion, it may be considered coercive control, a form of psychological and emotional abuse that may seriously affect a person’s well-being.

Shervan K Shahhian

Exaggerated Positivity is the tendency to push optimism,…

Exaggerated positivity is the tendency to push optimism, encouragement, or “good vibes” to an unrealistic extreme, especially when difficult emotions, problems, or risks are being ignored, minimized, or denied.

It may sound supportive on the surface, but it may unintentionally invalidate real experiences.

Common examples may include:

“Just stay positive.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“Don’t think negatively.”
“You should be grateful.”
“Good vibes only.”

Key Characteristics

1. Dismissing difficult emotions

Instead of allowing sadness, fear, anger, grief, or uncertainty, exaggerated positivity pressures people to appear emotionally “fine.”

Example:

Someone says: “I’m exhausted and overwhelmed.”
Response: “You just need a positive mindset.”

The struggle gets bypassed rather than understood.

2. Unrealistic optimism

It may involve denying genuine problems or risks.

Example:

Ignoring warning signs because “everything will work out somehow.”

Healthy optimism recognizes challenges while still maintaining hope.

3. Emotional avoidance

Sometimes exaggerated positivity becomes a defense mechanism against discomfort, vulnerability, anxiety, or helplessness.

A person may use positivity to avoid:

grief
trauma
conflict
uncertainty
emotional pain

4. Pressure to perform happiness

People may feel they must constantly appear upbeat, successful, spiritually evolved, or emotionally strong.

This may create:

shame about normal emotions
emotional suppression
loneliness
self-criticism

Psychological Concepts Related to It

Emotional invalidation: dismissing or minimizing emotions
Avoidance coping: avoiding distress rather than processing it
Cognitive distortion: oversimplifying reality
Spiritual bypassing: using spiritual ideas to avoid psychological issues
Toxic positivity: a common modern term for excessive positivity

Healthy Positivity vs. Exaggerated Positivity

Healthy Positivity	Exaggerated Positivity

Acknowledges pain	Denies pain
Allows mixed emotions	Demands happiness
Realistic hope	Unrealistic optimism
Encourages coping	Suppresses feelings
“This is hard, but manageable.”	“Just think positive.”

A More Balanced Approach

Psychological resilience usually involves:

accepting emotions without drowning in them
realistic thinking
emotional honesty
flexibility
hope without denial

Example:

“Things are difficult right now, and I still believe improvement is possible.”

That is different from pretending suffering does not exist.

Related ideas include:

Positive Psychology
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy
Trauma Psychology

Shervan K Shahhian