Self-sabotage is when a person undermines their own goals, wellbeing, or values, often outside of conscious awareness, even though they genuinely want things to go well.
In simple terms:
one part of you wants growth, safety, love, or success — and another part interferes.
What self-sabotage actually is (psychologically)
Self-sabotage is not laziness or lack of willpower. It’s usually a protective survival strategy that once made sense.
It emerges when:
- Success, closeness, calm, or visibility feels unsafe
- The nervous system associates growth with threat, loss, shame, or punishment
- Old learning overrides present-day reality
So the system says: “Better to fail in familiar ways than succeed and risk danger.”
Common forms of self-sabotage
- Procrastinating right before important steps
- Avoiding opportunities after working hard for them
- Starting strong, then disengaging when things improve
- Choosing familiar but harmful relationships
- Creating conflict when closeness deepens
- Dismissing praise or minimizing achievements
- Breaking routines that support health or stability
Often it shows up right at the edge of change.
Why people self-sabotage
Some of the most common roots:
1. protective survival strategy
Success may mean visibility, responsibility, envy, or abandonment.
2. Fear of failure
Failing confirms a painful internal belief (“I’m not enough”), but paradoxically feels predictable.
3. Internalized shame or harsh superego
A part believes you don’t deserve ease, love, or good outcomes.
4. Attachment injuries
If closeness once led to harm, the system disrupts intimacy to stay safe.
5. Identity threat
Growth can destabilize who you learned you had to be to survive.
The paradox
Self-sabotage often:
- Protects against emotional overwhelm
- Preserves attachment or belonging
- Maintains a coherent identity
Even though it causes suffering, it’s trying to prevent something worse.
What self-sabotage is NOT
- It’s not stupidity
- It’s not moral weakness
- It’s not a lack of motivation
- It’s not “wanting to fail”
It’s an outdated protection system running on old data.
How it begins to resolve
Self-sabotage softens when:
- The protective intention is recognized, not attacked
- Shame is reduced (not argued with)
- Safety is increased at the nervous-system level
- Change is titrated, not forced
- New success is paired with regulation and support
Compassion, not pressure, is what updates the system.
Shervan K Shahhian
LIBERTY PSYCHOLOGICAL ASSOCIATION 