Tag Archives: personal-growth

“The Greatest University is the University of Trial and Error, by Shervan K Shahhian.”

“The Greatest University is the University of Trial and Error, by Shervan K Shahhian.” is a possible metaphor for the idea that some of life’s deepest learning comes from. Mistakes or bad experiences rather than instruction alone.

Why?

1. . Mistakes turns information into knowledge. You may read about swimming your whole life, but actually getting into the water teaches you things a book may never fully convey.

2. Mistakes provide feedback. When things doesn’t workout they way we expected, but if we receive feedback about what needs to change. Failure becomes a form of learning.

3. Trial and error may develop judgment. Repeated mistakes and bad experiences might help us recognize patterns: What may work? What doesn’t work? When should we persist? When should we change directions?

4. . Mistakes may develop resilience. Learning that mistakes and bad experience’s are survivable at times, they may reduce the fear of being wrong. We may become more willing to experiment?, learn, adapt, and try again.

5. . Mistakes may promote metacognition. After bad experiences, you may ask yourself:

  • What just happened?
  • What things did I assume?
  • What things did I get wrong?
  • What things did I learn from it?
  • What things will I do differently next time?

That may turn mistakes and bad experiences into wisdom.

But there may be an important qualification

Trial and error may not automatically promote good learning. Repeating the same mistake without reflection is simply repetition.

A more accurate formula may be:

Experience...feedback…reflection…adjustment...new experience…learning

So the “University of Trial and Error, by Shervan K Shahhian” is really the University of Experience, Feedback, Learning and Adaptation.

In psychological terms, this may closely be related to experiential learning: We may learn by acting, observing the consequences, reflecting on what happened, and it may modify our future behavior.

And perhaps the most important lesson may be:

Mistakes may not necessarily evidence that we failed; it may be evidence that our current strategy needs updating, improving and changing.

“The Greatest University is the University of Trial and Error, by Shervan K Shahhian.”

Shervan K Shahhian

Releasing the Past: so that the past no longer has to control your present:

“Releasing the Past” may not mean forgetting it, denying it, or pretending that it did not matter. It may mean changing your relationship with what happened so that the past no longer has to control your present.

Psychologically, it may involve:

  • Accepting reality: “This happened, and I cannot change the event itself.”
  • Processing the emotions: allowing grief, anger, guilt, hurt, or disappointment to be acknowledged rather than continually suppressed.
  • Learning from the experience: asking, “What can this teach me?” rather than repeatedly asking, “Why did this happen?”
  • Letting go of rumination: recognizing when reflection has become repetitive mental replay without producing new understanding.
  • Separating memory from the present: “That happened then; I am here now.”
  • Reclaiming agency: focusing attention on what you can influence today.
  • Making room for the future: allowing new experiences rather than requiring the future to compensate for the past.

This may be closely related to acceptance and psychological flexibility. In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), acceptance may not be resignation or approval; it may involve reducing the unnecessary struggle with internal experiences so that a person may engage more fully with the present and with personally meaningful actions.

An important distinction

Releasing vs forgetting

Releasing vs forgiving someone

Releasing vs approving what happened

Releasing: “I will remember what happened, learn what I can from it, and stop allowing it to consume my present.”

A useful phrase may be:

“Honor the past, learn from the past, but don’t live in the past.”

Mindfulness approaches similarly emphasize returning attention to the present rather than becoming consumed by memories, regrets, or future worries.

And sometimes the healthiest goal isn’t “I need to get over it.” It is:

“I want the memory to become part of my history rather than the center of my identity.”

Shervan K Shahhian

Present Focused living means deliberately directing your attention toward what is happening now:

Present focused living means deliberately directing your attention toward what is happening now, rather than becoming excessively absorbed in the past or preoccupied with an imagined future.

It may not mean ignoring the past or refusing to plan for the future. It may mean using the past for learning and the future for planning, while recognizing that your actual ability to act exists in the present moment.

A simple way to understand it

The past is for learning. The future is for planning. The present is for living and acting.

Three time perspectives

TimeHealthy useUnhelpful pattern
PastReflection, learning, processingRumination, regret, resentment
FuturePlanning, preparation, realistic anticipationCatastrophizing, excessive worry
PresentAction, awareness, engagementAvoidance or impulsive distraction

What present focused living looks like

Instead of:

“Why did I let that happen years ago?”

Ask:

“What can I learn from what happened, and what can I do today?”

Instead of:

“What if something terrible happens tomorrow?”

Ask:

“Is there something reasonable I can prepare for today?”

And when there isn’t an immediate action to take:

“Can I allow myself to experience this moment without solving everything?”

The psychological principle

Present focused living is closely related to mindfulness, but it may be broader than mindfulness meditation.

It may involve:

  • Attention: noticing what is happening now.
  • Acceptance: allowing the present to be what it is without immediately fighting it.
  • Metacognition: recognizing when your mind has moved into rumination or worry.
  • Behavioral choice: deciding what action is useful now.
  • Emotional regulation: experiencing emotions without automatically reacting to them.
  • Reality orientation: distinguishing what is actually happening from what you fear, remember, or imagine.

The “rear view mirror” analogy

The rear view mirror is small because you need to know where you’ve been but the windshield is much larger because you need to see where you’re going.

The past remains important. You occasionally need to look backward. But driving while staring continuously into the rear view mirror is dangerous.

Likewise, excessive attention to the past may become rumination, while excessive attention to the future could become chronic worry.

Present focused living brings your attention back to:

“What is happening, and what may I meaningfully do about it, right now?”

A practical 30 second exercise

Pause and ask:

  1. What is happening right now?
  2. What am I feeling right now?
  3. What am I thinking about?
  4. Am I in the past, future, or present?
  5. Is there something I can actually do about this right now?
  6. If yes…take the next reasonable action.
  7. If no…return attention to the present.

The goal may not be to live only in the present. It is to avoid allowing yesterday’s pain or tomorrow’s uncertainty to consume today’s life.

Shervan K Shahhian

Internalized Oppression (IO) is a Psychological and Social Process:

Internalized Oppression may be a psychological and social process in which a person absorbs negative stereotypes, beliefs, or attitudes about a group they belong to and begins to apply those beliefs to themselves or others in the same group.

In simple terms:

“The negative message I have heard about people like me becomes a belief I hold about myself.”

How it develops

Internalized oppression may develop when a person is repeatedly exposed to messages through family, culture, institutions, media, peers, or discrimination, that their group is inferior, defective, undesirable, or less worthy.

Over time, those messages may become part of the person’s own self-concept.

Examples

  • Internalized sexism: A woman believes women are naturally less capable of leadership.
  • Internalized racism: A person adopts negative stereotypes about their own racial or ethnic group.
  • Internalized ageism: An older person begins believing, “I’m too old to learn new things.”
  • Internalized homophobia: A person experiences shame or self-rejection because of negative societal messages about homosexuality.
  • Internalized classism: Someone from a disadvantaged socioeconomic background believes, “People like me aren’t meant to succeed.”

Psychological effects

Internalized oppression may contribute to:

  • Self-rejection
  • Self-loathing
  • Low self-esteem
  • Shame and guilt
  • Negative self-talk
  • Body dissatisfaction
  • Depressive or anxious feelings
  • Imposter syndrome
  • Perfectionism
  • Rejecting or distancing oneself from members of one’s own group
  • Feeling that one’s identity must be hidden or changed to be acceptable

Internalized oppression vs. self-loathing

They overlap, but they aren’t identical.

Self-loathing: “I dislike or hate myself.”

Internalized oppression: “I have absorbed a negative belief about my group, and I now apply that belief to myself.”

For example:

“People from my background aren’t intelligent, so there must be something wrong with me because I’m from that background.”

That illustrates how social prejudice may become personal self-rejection.

An important distinction

Internalized oppression may not be simply having low self-esteem. It specifically involves socially or culturally transmitted devaluation becoming internalized.

A useful psychological sequence is:

External prejudice, repeated exposure, internalization, negative self-belief,

self-rejection/shame:

Possible behavioral consequences

It may also be understood as one pathway through which social oppression becomes psychologically embedded within an individual’s self-concept.

Shervan K Shahhian

Self-loathing may be a deep and persistent feeling of dislike toward oneself:

Self-Loathing may be a deep, persistent feeling of dislike, contempt, shame, or even hatred toward oneself. It goes beyond ordinary self-criticism: instead of thinking “I made a mistake,” a person may conclude “There is something fundamentally wrong with me.”

Common features of self-loathing

Harsh self-criticism: “I’m stupid,” “I always mess things up.”

Shame: Feeling fundamentally defective, bad, unworthy, or unacceptable.

Self-rejection: Difficulty accepting oneself, including one’s appearance, personality, history, or limitations.

Negative self-comparison: Assuming other people are better, more attractive, successful, or deserving.

Difficulty accepting compliments: Positive feedback may feel undeserved or unbelievable.

Rumination: Repeatedly replaying mistakes, failures, or perceived shortcomings.

Self-sabotage: Undermining relationships, opportunities, or personal goals because of beliefs such as “I don’t deserve good things.”

Social withdrawal: Avoiding others because of fear of rejection or exposure.

Difficulty with self-compassion: Treating oneself much more harshly than one would treat another person.

Self-criticism vs. self-loathing

A useful distinction could be:

Healthy self-reflection:“I handled that situation poorly. What can I learn from it?”

Harsh self-criticism:“I really screwed that up. I should have done better.”

Self-loathing: “I’m a terrible person. I always ruin everything. I don’t deserve to feel good about myself.”

The key difference is that self-criticism focuses on behavior, while self-loathing tends to attack the person’s entire identity and worth.

Where can it come from?

Self-loathing may develop through repeated experiences such as chronic criticism, rejection, bullying, abuse, neglect, traumatic experiences, unrealistic standards, perfectionism, or persistent experiences of failure or shame. It may also become intertwined with depression, anxiety, trauma related difficulties, eating disorders, or other psychological problems, but self-loathing itself may not be a diagnosis.

A psychological cycle

A common cycle may look like:

Negative experience, self-blame, shame, self-loathing, withdrawal/avoidance, reduced opportunities for positive experiences, more negative beliefs about oneself.

One important therapeutic goal is therefore not simply to replace “I hate myself” with “I love myself.” For many people, a more realistic starting point is:

“I can acknowledge my flaws and mistakes without concluding that I am worthless.”

That shift, from self-condemnation to self-compassion and realistic self-acceptance, may be psychologically significant.

Shervan K Shahhian

Self-Rejection may be the psychological process of judging, criticizing, or emotionally pushing away parts of yourself:

Self-rejection is the psychological process of judging, criticizing, or emotionally pushing away parts of yourself that you believe are unacceptable, inadequate, flawed, or unworthy of acceptance.

In simple terms, it is an internal message such as:

“There is something wrong with me, and I don’t fully accept myself because of it.”

Common forms of self-rejection

Self-rejection may appear in several ways:

Negative self-talk: “I’m stupid,” “I’m a failure,” or “I’ll never be good enough.”

Shame: Feeling that you are not merely doing something wrong, but that you are wrong or defective.

Body rejection: Disliking or feeling disgust toward aspects of one’s appearance.

Emotional rejection: Criticizing yourself for having feelings such as anger, sadness, fear, or vulnerability.

Rejection of personal needs: Feeling guilty for needing help, affection, rest, attention, or support.

Identity rejection: Suppressing parts of yourself because you believe they will be judged or rejected by others.

Perfectionism: Believing that you must achieve exceptionally high standards before you deserve self-respect.

Self-sabotage: Acting in ways that reinforce an underlying belief that you don’t deserve success, love, or happiness.

Where can self-rejection come from?

Self-rejection may develop through experiences such as:

Childhood criticism, rejection or conditional acceptance, shame, negative core beliefs, self-criticism, self-rejection

For example: a child who repeatedly hears “You’re never good enough” may eventually internalize that message. As an adult, the original external critic may become an internal critic.

Other contributors may include:

Bullying or social rejection

Emotional neglect

Trauma

Abusive or highly critical relationships

Unrealistic cultural or social standards

Chronic comparison with others

Perfectionism

Repeated failures or humiliating experiences

Body dissatisfaction

Depression and anxiety

Self-rejection vs. healthy self-reflection

These are very different.

Healthy self-reflection:

“I made a mistake. What can I learn from it?”

Self-rejection:

“I made a mistake because I’m a worthless person.”

Healthy self-reflection evaluates behavior. Self-rejection often attacks identity.

A particularly important concept

Self-rejection may become a self-reinforcing cycle:

Negative belief about self,

Self-criticism,

Shame and emotional pain,

Avoidance, withdrawal, or self-sabotage,

Experiences interpreted as evidence that the negative belief is true,

Stronger self-rejection.

One of the central goals of psychotherapy may not be to convince someone that they are perfect, but to help them develop self-acceptance, self-compassion, realistic self-appraisal, and the ability to separate their worth as a person from their mistakes or perceived shortcomings.

In one sentence:

Self-rejection may be the internalized rejection of oneself, often expressed through shame, harsh self-criticism, feelings of inadequacy, or the belief that one is fundamentally unworthy of acceptance or love.

Shervan K Shahhian

“Maxxing Culture” could be a contemporary internet culture centered :

“Maxxing Culture” could be a contemporary internet culture centered on the idea of maximizing or optimizing some aspect of yourself, appearance, fitness, productivity, money, status, relationships, or even mental performance.

The suffix “-maxxing” essentially means taking something to its perceived maximum. The language grew partly out of gaming terminology such as min maxing and later became strongly associated with online looksmaxxing communities.

Examples of possible “maxxing”

  • Looksmaxxing: maximizing physical attractiveness
  • Gymmaxxing: maximizing physique and muscular development
  • Moneymaxxing: maximizing income or financial status
  • Productivitymaxxing: optimizing work and productivity
  • Sleepmaxxing: trying to optimize sleep
  • Healthmaxxing: maximizing health and physical performance
  • Socialmaxxing: maximizing social status or interpersonal success

The mental health issue

There is an important distinction between healthy self-improvement and maxxing culture.

Healthy self-improvement may say:

“How can I become healthier, happier, and more capable?”

Maxxing culture can gradually become:

“I am not good enough unless I optimize myself.”

That shift may turn self-improvement into compulsive self-optimization. Social media may intensify the process through constant comparison, idealized images, ranking, and algorithmically reinforced content. Recent psychological commentary has connected extreme forms of looksmaxxing with unstable self-esteem, anxiety, body dissatisfaction, and self-rejection.

A useful psychological formulation

You may think of maxxing culture as:

Self-improvement, optimization, comparison, perfectionism, self-surveillance

The danger may be that the individual begins to experience the self as a project that is never finished.

Instead of “I want to improve myself,” the underlying psychological message becomes:

“I must continually upgrade myself to be worthy, attractive, successful, or socially acceptable.”

This makes maxxing culture particularly interesting from the perspectives of self-esteem, perfectionism, social comparison, body image, identity, and compulsive behavior.

And importantly, not every use of “-maxxing” is serious or harmful. Online, the term is also used humorously for example, someone might jokingly say they are “coffee-maxxing.” The concern arises when optimization becomes obsessive or one’s self-worth becomes dependent on achieving an ever moving ideal.

Shervan K Shahhian

The personal fulfillment of helping others is the sense of meaning, satisfaction,…

“For me and for some others, that sense of meaningful contribution is one of the deepest sources of personal fulfillment.”

The Personal Fulfillment of Helping Others

The personal fulfillment of helping others is the sense of meaning, satisfaction, and emotional reward a person experiences when they contribute to another person’s well-being.

It could be connected to the human need for purpose, connection, compassion, and meaningful contribution.

Why helping others may feel fulfilling

  1. A sense of purpose

Helping someone may create the feeling that your time, knowledge, and efforts have genuine meaning.

“I made a positive difference in someone’s life, Wow.”

  1. Meaningful connection

Acts of kindness may strengthen our connection with other people and reduce feelings of isolation or disconnection.

  1. Compassion and empathy

When we understand another person’s suffering, helping them may provide a powerful sense of emotional meaning.

  1. Personal growth

Helping others may develop patience, wisdom, empathy, resilience, and a deeper understanding of life.

  1. A sense of contribution

Many people find fulfillment in knowing they are contributing to something larger than themselves, whether through family, community, work, volunteering, therapy, mentorship, or simple acts of kindness.

The psychological concept of a “helper’s high”

Helping others may sometimes produce positive emotional experiences such as joy, gratitude, satisfaction, and a sense of purpose. This is sometimes informally called a “helper’s high.” Positive social behavior may also strengthen a person’s sense of connection and well-being.

An important distinction

Healthy fulfillment comes from choosing to help, not from feeling that you must save everyone.

A healthy mindset might be:

“I want to help whenever I can, while also understanding my own boundaries and limitations.”

An unhealthy pattern may involve:

“My value depends on constantly rescuing other people.”

This may lead to compassion fatigue, burnout, emotional exhaustion, or codependent patterns.

In essence

The fulfillment of helping others may come from the profound human experience of realizing:

“My existence and my actions have made someone else’s life a little better.”

“For me and for some others, that sense of meaningful contribution is one of the deepest sources of personal fulfillment.”

Shervan K Shahhian

Unquestioned Beliefs are ideas, assumptions, or “truths” that,…

Unquestioned beliefs are ideas, assumptions, or “truths” that a person accepts automatically without examining, testing, or critically reflecting on them.

These beliefs often operate in the background of thinking and may shape emotions, behavior, identity, and relationships without the person fully realizing it.

Common Examples

  • “If I fail, I am worthless.”
  • “People cannot be trusted.”
  • “Strong people never ask for help.”
  • “My thoughts must be true.”
  • “Success equals happiness.”
  • “Everyone is judging me.”

Some unquestioned beliefs come from:

  • Family upbringing
  • Culture or religion
  • Trauma or painful experiences
  • Social conditioning
  • Repeated messages from authority figures
  • Personal interpretations formed early in life

In Psychology

Unquestioned beliefs may be closely related to:

  • Core beliefs
  • Cognitive schemas
  • Assumptions
  • Implicit biases

For example, in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, therapists may help people identify beliefs they have never challenged, especially beliefs connected to anxiety, depression, shame, or self worth.

A person might believe:

“Because I feel rejected, I am rejected.”

The belief feels factual because it has gone unexamined.

Why They Matter

Unquestioned beliefs may:

  • Distort perception
  • Increase emotional suffering
  • Create rigid thinking
  • Reinforce fear or avoidance
  • Influence decision-making unconsciously

But not all unquestioned beliefs are harmful. Some provide stability, meaning, or moral structure.

Signs a Belief May Be “Unquestioned”

  • It feels “obviously true.”
  • You react emotionally when it is challenged.
  • You rarely ask, “Where did this belief come from?”
  • You assume everyone sees the world the same way.
  • Contradictory evidence is ignored or dismissed.

Healthy Examination of Beliefs

Questioning beliefs may not mean rejecting everything. It means becoming more aware and reflective.

Helpful questions include:

  • “What evidence supports this belief?”
  • “Where did I learn this?”
  • “Is this always true?”
  • “Could there be another interpretation?”
  • “Does this belief help or harm me?”

This process is connected to metacognition, thinking about one’s own thinking, and psychological flexibility.

Shervan K Shahhian

Exaggerated Positivity is the tendency to push optimism,…

Exaggerated positivity is the tendency to push optimism, encouragement, or “good vibes” to an unrealistic extreme, especially when difficult emotions, problems, or risks are being ignored, minimized, or denied.

It may sound supportive on the surface, but it may unintentionally invalidate real experiences.

Common examples may include:

  • “Just stay positive.”
  • “Everything happens for a reason.”
  • “Don’t think negatively.”
  • “You should be grateful.”
  • “Good vibes only.”

Key Characteristics

1. Dismissing difficult emotions

Instead of allowing sadness, fear, anger, grief, or uncertainty, exaggerated positivity pressures people to appear emotionally “fine.”

Example:

  • Someone says: “I’m exhausted and overwhelmed.”
  • Response: “You just need a positive mindset.”

The struggle gets bypassed rather than understood.

2. Unrealistic optimism

It may involve denying genuine problems or risks.

Example:

  • Ignoring warning signs because “everything will work out somehow.”

Healthy optimism recognizes challenges while still maintaining hope.

3. Emotional avoidance

Sometimes exaggerated positivity becomes a defense mechanism against discomfort, vulnerability, anxiety, or helplessness.

A person may use positivity to avoid:

  • grief
  • trauma
  • conflict
  • uncertainty
  • emotional pain

4. Pressure to perform happiness

People may feel they must constantly appear upbeat, successful, spiritually evolved, or emotionally strong.

This may create:

  • shame about normal emotions
  • emotional suppression
  • loneliness
  • self-criticism

Psychological Concepts Related to It

  • Emotional invalidation: dismissing or minimizing emotions
  • Avoidance coping: avoiding distress rather than processing it
  • Cognitive distortion: oversimplifying reality
  • Spiritual bypassing: using spiritual ideas to avoid psychological issues
  • Toxic positivity: a common modern term for excessive positivity

Healthy Positivity vs. Exaggerated Positivity

Healthy PositivityExaggerated Positivity
Acknowledges painDenies pain
Allows mixed emotionsDemands happiness
Realistic hopeUnrealistic optimism
Encourages copingSuppresses feelings
“This is hard, but manageable.”“Just think positive.”

A More Balanced Approach

Psychological resilience usually involves:

  • accepting emotions without drowning in them
  • realistic thinking
  • emotional honesty
  • flexibility
  • hope without denial

Example:

“Things are difficult right now, and I still believe improvement is possible.”

That is different from pretending suffering does not exist.

Related ideas include:

  • Positive Psychology
  • Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
  • Acceptance and Commitment Therapy
  • Trauma Psychology

Shervan K Shahhian