Deceptive Mind games, what are they:

Deceptive mind games are psychological strategies used to manipulate, mislead, or deceive someone, often for personal gain or to assert control in a situation. These tactics play on the vulnerabilities, emotions, or perceptions of the target, creating confusion or a false sense of reality. They can occur in various contexts, such as relationships, business, politics, or negotiations. Some common types of deceptive mind games include:

1. Gaslighting:

• A tactic where the manipulator makes the target doubt their own memory, perception, or reality, making them feel confused or mentally unstable.

2. Love Bombing and Withdrawal:

• Involves overwhelming someone with affection, attention, or promises, only to withdraw suddenly, leaving the person disoriented and insecure.

3. Triangulation:

• Bringing a third party into a conflict or situation to create jealousy, competition, or insecurity in the target.

4. Mirroring:

• Mimicking the target’s behavior, preferences, or attitudes to build rapport and trust, often with the intent of manipulation later on.

5. Playing Victim:

• Manipulating the situation by acting like the victim to gain sympathy, avoid responsibility, or shift blame onto others.

6. Silent Treatment:

• Withholding communication or emotional response to punish or manipulate the target into seeking approval or reconciliation.

7. Feigning Ignorance (Playing Dumb):

• Pretending not to understand something to avoid accountability, gain sympathy, or make the target feel overly responsible.

8. Bait and Switch:

• Initially offering something desirable but changing the offer or terms once the target is committed, leaving them in a disadvantageous position.

9. Creating False Urgency:

• Manipulating the target by fabricating a sense of urgency or scarcity, pressuring them to make hasty decisions that they might later regret.

10. Projection:

• Accusing the target of the manipulator’s own negative traits or actions, shifting focus away from their behavior and onto the victim.

These games are usually manipulative and can be emotionally or mentally harmful, causing confusion, insecurity, or loss of self-esteem in the target.

Examples of gaslighting:

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where the perpetrator makes the victim question their own reality, memory, or perceptions. Here are some common examples of gaslighting in various contexts:

1. In Relationships:

• Denial of Conversations or Events:
• Example: A person brings up a previous argument, and the gaslighter says, “That never happened. You’re imagining things,” even though the conversation did take place.
• Invalidating Feelings:
• Example: A partner expresses feeling hurt by something, and the gaslighter responds, “You’re too sensitive. You’re always overreacting,” making the person doubt their emotional responses.
• Blaming the Victim:
• Example: A gaslighter cheats in a relationship, and when confronted, they turn it around by saying, “If you weren’t so paranoid and controlling, I wouldn’t have to lie to you.”

2. At Work:

• Undermining Performance:
• Example: An employee completes a task successfully, but their boss tells them, “You didn’t do it right. I don’t know why you’re always messing up,” even though the task was done correctly.
• Changing Expectations:
• Example: A supervisor assigns a task with vague instructions and, when the employee completes it, criticizes their work and claims, “I told you to do it differently. How could you forget that?”

3. In Friendships:

• Rewriting the Narrative:
• Example: A friend agrees to help with something but then doesn’t show up. When confronted, they respond, “I never said I’d help you. You must be confused.”
• Distorting Facts:
• Example: A gaslighting friend says hurtful things but later denies it, claiming, “I never said that. You’re just being dramatic.”

4. In Family:

• Denial of Abuse or Neglect:
• Example: A parent might say, “I never treated you badly. You had a great childhood,” even though the child experienced abuse or neglect.
• Shifting Blame:
• Example: When confronted about toxic behavior, a family member might say, “You’re always the problem in this family. No one else thinks there’s anything wrong except you.”

5. In Politics or Public Discourse:

• Denial of Facts or History:
• Example: A politician makes a claim, then, when challenged with evidence that contradicts them, they say, “I never said that. You’re misinterpreting what I meant,” despite there being a clear record.
• Redefining Reality:
• Example: A public figure is caught in a scandal, but they respond with, “This is all fake news. You’re being misled by biased sources,” making their audience doubt the credibility of the information.

6. In Medical Settings (Medical Gaslighting):

• Dismissing Symptoms:
• Example: A patient expresses concerns about chronic pain, and the doctor dismisses it, saying, “It’s all in your head. You’re just being anxious,” rather than investigating the underlying cause.
• Minimizing Health Issues:
• Example: A person feels they are not being taken seriously about a health issue, but their healthcare provider says, “There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re just exaggerating,” leading the person to doubt their own health concerns.

7. In Public or Social Situations:

• Denying Hurtful Behavior in Front of Others:
• Example: A person insults someone publicly, but later, when confronted privately, they say, “I was just joking. Everyone else laughed. You’re just too sensitive,” making the person doubt if they were really hurt or overreacting.

In all of these examples, the gaslighter’s goal is to distort the victim’s sense of reality, often to manipulate, control, or escape accountability. This can lead to the victim feeling confused, dependent, and even doubting their own judgment or sanity.

Why do people gaslight:

People gaslight for various reasons, often linked to their own emotional needs, insecurities, or desire for control. While each gaslighter’s motives can vary, here are some common reasons why people engage in gaslighting:

1. To Gain Control and Power:

• Gaslighting allows the manipulator to dominate the victim by making them question their own reality and judgment. When someone begins to doubt their perceptions, they become more reliant on the gaslighter for their sense of reality, giving the gaslighter significant influence.

2. To Avoid Accountability:

• By distorting reality and making the victim feel responsible for misunderstandings or conflicts, gaslighters avoid taking responsibility for their own actions or mistakes. For example, a person who cheats in a relationship might gaslight their partner by denying it or accusing the partner of being paranoid to deflect blame.

3. To Preserve a False Self-Image:

• Gaslighters often have fragile egos or narcissistic tendencies. They may gaslight others to maintain a façade of perfection, competence, or superiority. By undermining others’ perceptions, they protect their image and avoid facing their own flaws or inadequacies.

4. To Gain Emotional Validation or Sympathy:

• Some gaslighters play the victim in order to garner sympathy or emotional support. By making others feel guilty or responsible for imagined wrongs, they manipulate situations to get attention or validation.

5. As a Learned Behavior:

• Gaslighting can be a learned behavior, especially if someone grew up in a manipulative or dysfunctional environment where this kind of psychological manipulation was common. In this case, they may unconsciously repeat patterns they have seen or experienced.

6. To Create Confusion and Disorientation:

• Gaslighters often want to keep their victims off-balance. When people are confused or unsure of their perceptions, they become easier to manipulate. The more uncertain the victim feels, the more likely they are to rely on the gaslighter for guidance, making them vulnerable to further manipulation.

7. To Maintain Control in Relationships:

• In personal relationships, particularly abusive ones, gaslighting can be used to erode a partner’s confidence and independence. By making their partner question their worth, decisions, or sanity, the gaslighter can keep them dependent, isolated, and less likely to challenge the abusive behavior.

8. For Psychological or Emotional Manipulation:

• Gaslighters may enjoy the psychological games they play and the emotional turmoil they create. For some, manipulating others into questioning themselves can be a way of feeling superior or in control, fulfilling a need for dominance or validation.

9. As a Defense Mechanism:

• In some cases, people gaslight as a defense mechanism to cope with their own insecurities or anxiety. By projecting their own flaws, guilt, or shortcomings onto others, they shield themselves from facing uncomfortable truths about their own behavior.

10. To Control Perceptions of Others:

• In professional or social settings, gaslighting can be used to damage someone’s reputation or credibility. By making others doubt a person’s competence or reliability, the gaslighter can influence how others perceive that person, often for personal gain, such as to gain a promotion or power in the workplace.

11. To Maintain Denial of an Inconvenient Truth:

• Sometimes, gaslighters may be deeply uncomfortable with a reality they don’t want to face. Instead of confronting a difficult situation (such as infidelity, addiction, or personal failure), they twist facts and reality to deny that the problem exists, forcing the victim to question the truth.

12. Narcissistic Personality:

• People with narcissistic traits or full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) often gaslight others to maintain their sense of superiority and entitlement. Narcissists use gaslighting as a tool to manipulate their environment and reinforce their belief that they are always right or superior to others.

In summary, gaslighting serves the gaslighter’s needs, whether those needs are for power, control, validation, or avoidance of responsibility. It is a destructive form of manipulation that has profound psychological effects on the victim, making them doubt their sense of reality and eroding their confidence and self-worth.

Signs you are being gaslit:

Recognizing that you’re being gaslit can be challenging because gaslighting is designed to make you doubt your own perceptions and reality. However, there are common signs that can help you identify if you’re being gaslit:

1. Constant Self-Doubt:

• You frequently question your own judgment, memory, or sanity, even in situations where you used to feel confident.
• Example: You wonder, “Am I being too sensitive?” or “Did that really happen the way I remember?”

2. Feeling Confused or Disoriented:

• You often feel confused or second-guess yourself in conversations, even after simple exchanges. The manipulator may twist facts or deny things that happened, leaving you uncertain about what is true.
• Example: You start feeling unsure about your own perceptions or begin doubting your decisions, even though you previously felt sure of them.

3. Constant Apologizing:

• You find yourself apologizing frequently, even when you’re not at fault, because you’re made to feel responsible for things going wrong.
• Example: You apologize for things you didn’t do, like, “I’m sorry if I misunderstood you” or “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

4. Feeling Isolated:

• The gaslighter may try to isolate you from friends, family, or other support systems by suggesting that others don’t care about you or are lying to you.
• Example: They might say, “Your friends don’t understand you like I do,” or “Your family is only making things worse.”

5. Second-Guessing Everything:

• You start questioning even the most basic decisions or beliefs, such as what to wear, how to act, or what you believe is right or wrong.
• Example: You become increasingly dependent on the gaslighter for validation and approval because you’re unsure of your own choices.

6. Feeling Like You’re “Walking on Eggshells”:

• You feel anxious around the person gaslighting you, constantly trying to avoid conflict or upset. You adjust your behavior to avoid triggering their criticism or manipulation.
• Example: You change your behavior or downplay your thoughts because you’re worried they’ll react negatively or accuse you of being overly emotional.

7. They Frequently Deny or Distort Reality:

• The gaslighter denies that certain events happened or dismisses your feelings by saying things like, “That never happened,” “You’re making things up,” or “You’re imagining things.”
• Example: You recall a conversation where they insulted you, but they completely deny it, leaving you confused.

8. Feeling Disconnected from Your Own Identity:

• You might feel like you’ve lost a sense of who you are, what you believe, or what you want because the gaslighter has made you question so many aspects of your life.
• Example: You no longer recognize yourself because your thoughts and actions are constantly influenced by the other person’s manipulation.

9. Inconsistent Feedback:

• The gaslighter gives you mixed messages, praising you one minute and then criticizing or demeaning you the next. This leaves you feeling constantly off-balance and unsure of where you stand.
• Example: They might tell you, “You’re amazing,” but later criticize or belittle you for small mistakes, making you feel unworthy.

10. Feeling Like Something is “Off”:

• Even if you can’t quite put your finger on it, you have a persistent feeling that something is wrong or that you’re being manipulated. However, you can’t always point to a clear reason for this feeling.
• Example: You sense that you’re being treated unfairly, but every time you try to express it, the other person dismisses your concerns or makes you feel like you’re overreacting.

11. Constantly Being Blamed:

• The gaslighter makes everything your fault, even when it’s clearly not. They might twist events to make you feel guilty, responsible, or like the “bad guy” in every situation.
• Example: They say things like, “If you hadn’t acted that way, this wouldn’t have happened,” even when their own behavior caused the problem.

12. Feeling Emotionally Drained:

• Gaslighting can take a heavy emotional toll, leaving you feeling exhausted, anxious, or depressed because you’re constantly questioning yourself and trying to figure out what’s real.
• Example: After interactions with the gaslighter, you feel emotionally depleted and unsure of yourself, your relationships, and your life.

13. Your Concerns Are Dismissed:

• When you try to confront the gaslighter about their behavior or express how you feel, they minimize your concerns, make you feel silly for bringing them up, or accuse you of overreacting.
• Example: They might say, “You’re making a big deal out of nothing” or “You’re just being dramatic.”

14. Feeling Dependent on the Gaslighter:

• Over time, you may feel increasingly dependent on the gaslighter for approval, emotional validation, or decision-making because your self-confidence has been eroded.
• Example: You feel like you need their permission or opinion before making any decisions, even minor ones.

15. They Use Others to Validate Their Behavior:

• The gaslighter might manipulate the opinions of others or use triangulation (bringing in a third party) to reinforce their version of events or make you feel isolated.
• Example: They might say, “Everyone thinks you’re acting crazy,” or, “Even your friends agree with me.”

How to Respond:

If you recognize these signs in your life, it’s important to:

• Trust your instincts: If something feels wrong, don’t ignore that feeling.
• Seek outside perspectives: Talk to trusted friends or family members to get an objective view of the situation.
• Set boundaries: Firmly state your reality and refuse to accept distortions of the truth.
• Get professional help: Therapy or counseling can help you rebuild your confidence and navigate the effects of gaslighting.

Recognizing the signs is the first step to protecting yourself and regaining control over your thoughts, emotions, and sense of reality.

How do I stop gaslighting:

Stopping gaslighting, whether you’re experiencing it from someone else or recognize gaslighting tendencies in yourself, requires a combination of strategies to protect your mental health, establish boundaries, and regain control over your reality. Here’s how you can stop gaslighting in different scenarios:

1. Recognize the Gaslighting:

• The first and most crucial step is recognizing that you are being gaslit. This often involves identifying patterns of manipulation where someone distorts reality, makes you question your judgment, or dismisses your feelings. Awareness helps you stop internalizing the gaslighter’s false narrative.

2. Trust Your Perceptions:

• Gaslighters try to make you doubt your own reality. Start rebuilding trust in your own thoughts, memories, and feelings. Keep a mental (or written) reminder that your perceptions are valid, even if the gaslighter tries to convince you otherwise.
• Action Step: Keep a journal to document specific events, conversations, or interactions. This written record can help you verify your reality and resist the distortions.

3. Set Boundaries:

• Clearly communicate boundaries with the person gaslighting you. Let them know what kind of behavior you will no longer tolerate and be consistent in enforcing those limits.
• Example: If the gaslighter denies something you remember clearly, you can say, “We remember this situation differently, but I know what I experienced, and I won’t engage in this conversation anymore.”

4. Avoid Arguing About Reality:

• Gaslighters often thrive on getting you to argue and defend your version of events, which can leave you more confused. Instead of debating with them, state your reality confidently and refuse to engage in circular arguments.
• Example: Instead of trying to convince them, say something like, “I know what happened, and I don’t need to prove it to you.”

5. Limit Emotional Reactions:

• Gaslighters often manipulate emotions to get a reaction from you. If you can maintain emotional distance and avoid reacting in ways that fuel their manipulation, they may have less power over you.
• Action Step: Stay calm and composed when responding, and don’t let them see that their tactics are working.

6. Seek External Support:

• Gaslighting often isolates the victim, so it’s essential to reach out to trusted friends, family, or a therapist who can provide objective perspectives. They can help you regain confidence in your perceptions and give you a reality check when you feel confused.
• Example: Confide in a close friend or family member about what you’re experiencing. Their insights can reinforce your sense of reality.

7. Strengthen Your Self-Esteem:

• Gaslighters often target people’s insecurities, so boosting your self-esteem can help you become more resilient to their tactics. Engage in activities that reinforce your self-worth, such as practicing self-care, pursuing personal goals, and surrounding yourself with positive people.
• Action Step: List your strengths, accomplishments, and what you value about yourself. Regularly remind yourself of these qualities to build your self-confidence.

8. Establish Clear Communication:

• Be direct in your communication, stating your thoughts and feelings without allowing the gaslighter to twist your words. Avoid long explanations, as gaslighters tend to exploit ambiguity or over-explanation.
• Example: Say, “I know how I feel, and I am not interested in debating it.”

9. Focus on Actions, Not Words:

• Gaslighters may say one thing but behave in a completely different way. Pay attention to their actions rather than their words, and use those actions to guide your decisions.
• Example: If someone apologizes but continues to manipulate or undermine you, focus on the fact that their behavior hasn’t changed.

10. Don’t Internalize Blame:

• Gaslighters often make you feel like everything is your fault. Remind yourself that you are not responsible for their actions or manipulations. Recognize when the blame is being unfairly shifted onto you.
• Action Step: Repeat affirmations such as, “I am not responsible for someone else’s bad behavior,” or “I know what I experienced is real.”

11. Limit Exposure to the Gaslighter:

• If possible, reduce your interactions with the person gaslighting you. The less time you spend in their presence, the less opportunity they have to manipulate you.
• Example: Avoid unnecessary conversations or interactions, especially when they are likely to lead to manipulation or confusion.

12. Leave the Situation if Necessary:

• In extreme cases of gaslighting, especially in toxic relationships, the best solution may be to leave the situation or relationship entirely. Gaslighting can be emotionally abusive, and protecting your mental and emotional health is a priority.
• Action Step: If you’re unable to stop the gaslighting or feel trapped, consider seeking professional help or making an exit plan.

13. Therapy or Counseling:

• Seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor can help you process the effects of gaslighting, rebuild your self-confidence, and develop coping strategies. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore your feelings and regain control over your life.
• Action Step: Find a therapist who specializes in emotional abuse or manipulation to guide you through the recovery process.

14. Educate Yourself About Gaslighting:

• Understanding the dynamics of gaslighting can help you see through manipulative behaviors more clearly. The more you know, the better you’ll be at recognizing and stopping gaslighting in its tracks.
• Action Step: Read books, articles, or seek support groups that focus on gaslighting and emotional abuse.

If You Notice Gaslighting in Yourself:

If you recognize gaslighting tendencies in your own behavior, it’s important to take accountability and change the pattern. Here’s how:

• Acknowledge the behavior: Realize that gaslighting, whether intentional or not, is harmful.
• Seek self-awareness: Reflect on why you gaslight and whether it’s linked to insecurities or the need for control.
• Apologize and change: If you’ve been gaslighting others, take responsibility for it and make a conscious effort to stop. Apologize sincerely and work on healthier communication habits.
• Consider therapy: Therapy can help you understand your motivations and develop healthier ways of interacting with others.

Stopping gaslighting requires recognizing it, setting boundaries, and protecting yourself emotionally. It’s essential to surround yourself with supportive people and maintain a strong sense of self. Healing from gaslighting can take time, but by taking proactive steps, you can regain confidence and break free from manipulation.

Confronting a gaslighter can be challenging, especially because they often twist conversations to make you question your reality or shift the blame back to you. However, with careful preparation, you can confront a gaslighter effectively without getting pulled into their manipulative tactics. Here’s how to approach it:

1. Prepare Yourself Emotionally:

• Before confronting a gaslighter, ensure you’re emotionally grounded. Understand that they may try to manipulate the conversation or deny their behavior, so be prepared for a defensive or dismissive response.
• Action Step: Practice mindfulness, deep breathing, or other techniques to stay calm and centered during the confrontation.

2. Be Clear About What Happened:

• Gaslighters often rely on distorting past events, so before confronting them, have a clear sense of the specific behaviors or incidents you’re addressing. Documenting these events can help you stay focused on the facts.
• Example: You might say, “On [specific date], you said [specific thing], and when I brought it up later, you denied ever saying it.”

3. Stay Firm in Your Reality:

• When you confront a gaslighter, don’t let them convince you that your feelings or experiences are wrong. State your perspective confidently and avoid giving them room to twist your words.
• Example: Instead of saying, “I might be wrong, but…” say, “I know what I experienced, and it was hurtful when you [specific behavior].”

4. Use “I” Statements:

• Frame your confrontation around your feelings and experiences rather than accusing or attacking. This reduces the chance of them becoming overly defensive and shifting the blame back onto you.
• Example: Say, “I feel hurt when you deny things that I know happened,” rather than “You’re always lying to me.”

5. Stick to the Facts:

• Gaslighters often try to derail conversations with emotional manipulation, accusations, or changing the subject. Stay focused on the specific instances of gaslighting, and don’t let them lead you into unrelated arguments.
• Action Step: If they try to divert the conversation, bring it back by saying, “That’s not what we’re talking about right now. I want to discuss [specific issue].”

6. Avoid Emotional Reactivity:

• Gaslighters often provoke emotional responses to gain control over the situation. They might deny, deflect, or become defensive. Staying calm and emotionally detached will make it harder for them to manipulate the situation.
• Action Step: Practice non-reactive responses like, “I understand you feel that way, but that doesn’t change my experience,” to avoid escalating the conversation.

7. Set Boundaries:

• Establishing clear boundaries is crucial when dealing with a gaslighter. Let them know what behaviors are unacceptable and what the consequences will be if they continue gaslighting you.
• Example: “If you keep denying my feelings or distorting reality, I will not engage in this conversation anymore.”

8. Limit the Interaction If Necessary:

• If the gaslighter refuses to take accountability or becomes manipulative during the confrontation, it may be necessary to end the conversation. Walking away can help protect your mental health and prevent further gaslighting.
• Action Step: If they continue to gaslight, say, “I don’t want to continue this conversation right now because we’re not getting anywhere. I’ll talk to you when we can have a respectful discussion.”

9. Be Ready for Deflection and Denial:

• Gaslighters are likely to deny, downplay, or blame you for the very things you’re confronting them about. They might say things like, “You’re being too sensitive,” or, “I never said that.” Be prepared for this and don’t let it undermine your confidence.
• Action Step: Respond with statements like, “I’m not asking you to agree, but this is how I feel, and I need you to respect that.”

10. Stay Focused on Solutions:

• Instead of getting stuck in a back-and-forth argument, guide the conversation toward how you both can move forward. If the gaslighter acknowledges their behavior, suggest ways to improve communication.
• Example: “I want us to communicate better. Going forward, we need to be more respectful of each other’s feelings and memories.”

11. Trust Your Instincts:

• Gaslighters will try to make you question your reality, so trust your gut. If something feels off, acknowledge it, even if the gaslighter is trying to convince you otherwise.
• Action Step: Reinforce your own perceptions by reminding yourself, “I know what happened, and I don’t need anyone to validate my experience.”

12. Get Support:

• Sometimes, confronting a gaslighter on your own can be overwhelming. Consider having someone you trust with you during the conversation, or talk through your concerns with a trusted friend or therapist before confronting the gaslighter.
• Action Step: Before the confrontation, share your thoughts with a supportive person who can offer perspective and validation.

13. Know When to Walk Away:

• Not all gaslighters will take responsibility for their behavior, and sometimes the healthiest option is to distance yourself from the relationship, especially if the gaslighting is persistent or abusive.
• Action Step: If the gaslighter continues their behavior despite your confrontation and boundaries, consider whether it’s best to limit or end the relationship for your mental and emotional well-being.

Example of Confronting a Gaslighter:

You: “Last week, we had a conversation where you told me [specific statement], but later, you completely denied it. It left me feeling confused and hurt.”

Gaslighter: “I never said that. You must be remembering wrong.”

You: “I know what I heard, and it’s not helpful when you deny something that happened. I need you to acknowledge my feelings, even if you remember things differently.”

Gaslighter: “You’re just being too sensitive.”

You: “I don’t think I’m being too sensitive. I’m telling you how your words and actions affected me, and I need you to respect that. If we can’t have a productive conversation, I will step away.”

Confronting a gaslighter requires staying grounded in your reality, being clear and assertive, and refusing to be drawn into their manipulative tactics. Set firm boundaries, protect your mental health, and be prepared to walk away if the gaslighting continues.

Recovering from gaslighting can be a challenging and emotional journey, but it is possible to rebuild your sense of self, trust in your perceptions, and regain emotional strength. Here’s how to begin the healing process after experiencing gaslighting:

1. Acknowledge the Gaslighting:

• Understanding what happened is the first step. Accept that you were manipulated and that your confusion, self-doubt, and emotional pain are valid responses to gaslighting. Acknowledge that the behavior you experienced was not your fault.
• Action Step: Say to yourself, “I was manipulated, but I am not to blame for what happened.”

2. Rebuild Trust in Your Own Perceptions:

• Gaslighting can leave you doubting your reality, but it’s essential to start trusting your own thoughts, feelings, and experiences again. Recognize that your perceptions are valid, even if the gaslighter made you feel otherwise.
• Action Step: Reflect on past events without the influence of the gaslighter. Writing things down or talking them through with someone you trust can help you reconnect with your own sense of reality.

3. Seek Professional Help:

• Therapy is an excellent way to process the emotional damage caused by gaslighting. A therapist can help you untangle the manipulation, validate your experiences, and teach you coping strategies to rebuild your self-confidence.
• Action Step: Find a therapist who specializes in emotional abuse, trauma, or manipulation to guide you through your recovery.

4. Validate Your Emotions:

• Allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions — anger, sadness, confusion, betrayal, etc. — that come from recognizing you’ve been gaslit. Suppressing these emotions can prolong the healing process.
• Action Step: Journal about your feelings or speak openly about them with a trusted friend, therapist, or support group. Acknowledge that your emotions are valid and part of the healing process.

5. Reconnect with Supportive People:

• Gaslighters often isolate their victims, making it essential to reconnect with friends, family, or supportive individuals who can help reaffirm your sense of reality and self-worth.
• Action Step: Reach out to people who you trust and who make you feel valued and heard. Rebuilding a strong support system will help you feel more grounded.

6. Rebuild Your Self-Esteem:

• Gaslighting can erode your self-esteem, making you question your worth and abilities. Focus on activities and experiences that boost your confidence and remind you of your strengths.
• Action Step: Make a list of your accomplishments, skills, and positive qualities. Engage in hobbies or pursuits that make you feel capable and successful.

7. Set Boundaries with the Gaslighter:

• If you’re still in contact with the person who gaslit you, set firm boundaries to protect your mental health. Limit interactions, avoid situations where you could be manipulated, and assert your needs clearly.
• Action Step: You might say, “I won’t engage in conversations where my reality is being questioned,” or “I need space to heal, so I’m limiting our interactions.”

8. Challenge Negative Thoughts:

• Gaslighting often leaves you with negative self-talk, such as “I’m too sensitive” or “I’m always wrong.” Challenge these thoughts by reminding yourself that these are the effects of manipulation, not the truth.
• Action Step: When a negative thought arises, counter it with positive affirmations like, “My feelings are valid,” or “I am capable and trustworthy.”

9. Avoid Self-Blame:

• It’s common for gaslighting victims to blame themselves for not recognizing the manipulation earlier. Understand that gaslighting is designed to be subtle and confusing. The responsibility lies with the gaslighter, not you.
• Action Step: Practice self-compassion. When you catch yourself blaming yourself, remind yourself that no one deserves to be manipulated or emotionally abused.

10. Reestablish Your Identity:

• Gaslighting can cause you to lose a sense of who you are. Take time to reconnect with your identity, values, beliefs, and passions.
• Action Step: Reflect on what’s important to you outside of the gaslighting relationship. What do you enjoy? What do you believe in? What goals do you want to pursue? Explore these aspects of yourself through journaling, meditation, or creative activities.

11. Practice Mindfulness and Grounding Techniques:

• Gaslighting can create a persistent sense of confusion and disorientation. Mindfulness and grounding exercises can help you stay present and connected to your reality.
• Action Step: Try mindfulness meditation, deep breathing, or grounding exercises like focusing on your surroundings and physical sensations to bring yourself back to the present moment.

12. Give Yourself Time to Heal:

• Recovery from gaslighting isn’t quick or linear. Be patient with yourself as you work through the emotional fallout. Healing can take time, and it’s okay to have setbacks along the way.
• Action Step: Acknowledge small victories in your recovery process, like trusting your own decisions again or setting boundaries. Celebrate these moments as signs of progress.

13. Learn About Gaslighting:

• Educating yourself about gaslighting and emotional manipulation can help you make sense of your experience and prevent it from happening again.
• Action Step: Read books or articles on gaslighting, attend support groups, or talk to a therapist to deepen your understanding of this form of abuse.

14. Limit Rumination:

• It’s easy to fall into the trap of endlessly replaying gaslighting incidents in your mind, but excessive rumination can hinder healing. Try to focus on the present and your path forward rather than dwelling on past interactions.
• Action Step: When you catch yourself ruminating, redirect your attention to something positive or constructive, like a hobby, self-care, or connecting with loved ones.

15. Reconnect with Your Intuition:

• Gaslighting undermines your ability to trust your gut instincts. Start tuning back into your intuition and trusting your inner voice.
• Action Step: Practice listening to your instincts in small, low-stakes situations. As you rebuild trust in your intuition, you’ll become more confident in making decisions based on your internal guidance.

16. Forgive Yourself:

• It’s important to practice self-forgiveness. You may feel regret for not recognizing the manipulation sooner, but understand that gaslighting is a gradual, insidious form of abuse. Forgive yourself for any perceived mistakes and focus on moving forward.
• Action Step: Write yourself a letter of forgiveness, acknowledging the strength it took to survive the gaslighting and recognizing your courage in moving toward healing.

Recovering from gaslighting is about reclaiming your sense of self, rebuilding your trust in your own perceptions, and surrounding yourself with support. Through therapy, self-care, and setting boundaries, you can regain confidence and heal from the emotional wounds of gaslighting. Take it one step at a time, and remember that healing is a journey, not a destination.

Regaining trust, whether in yourself, others, or relationships after experiencing gaslighting or other forms of betrayal, takes time, self-reflection, and intentional effort. Here’s how to rebuild trust after gaslighting or emotional manipulation:

1. Start with Trusting Yourself:

• Gaslighting often makes you doubt your own judgment and perceptions. To rebuild trust in others, you must first regain trust in yourself — your thoughts, feelings, and instincts.
• Action Step: Reflect on times when your instincts were right. Reaffirm your ability to perceive reality by journaling your thoughts and experiences to create a tangible record of events.

2. Give Yourself Time:

• Trust, especially after betrayal or manipulation, cannot be rebuilt overnight. Allow yourself to heal at your own pace, without rushing the process.
• Action Step: Set realistic expectations for how long it may take to regain trust. Remind yourself that it’s okay to take time and that healing is not linear.

3. Forgive Yourself for Being Vulnerable:

• Many people feel self-blame after experiencing gaslighting, believing they should have “seen it coming.” Recognize that anyone can be vulnerable to manipulation and that it’s not your fault.
• Action Step: Write down any feelings of guilt or self-blame, then actively practice self-forgiveness. Remind yourself that being vulnerable is not a weakness.

4. Rebuild Self-Esteem:

• Gaslighting can erode your sense of self-worth. Rebuilding trust starts with affirming your own value and capabilities.
• Action Step: Engage in activities that make you feel competent and confident. Reflect on your strengths and accomplishments, and surround yourself with people who uplift and support you.

5. Set Healthy Boundaries:

• Establishing clear boundaries is crucial when rebuilding trust in relationships. Boundaries protect you from further harm and help you feel secure as you rebuild trust in others.
• Action Step: Clearly communicate your boundaries with others, such as saying, “I need you to be honest with me, even when it’s difficult,” or “I need space to process my feelings.” Be consistent in enforcing these boundaries.

6. Take Small Steps:

• Rebuilding trust doesn’t have to happen all at once. Start small — whether it’s trusting your intuition or trusting others with minor things — and gradually increase as you feel more secure.
• Action Step: Identify one small way you can practice trusting yourself or others. For example, trust your intuition in a minor decision, or trust a friend with a personal detail.

7. Communicate Openly and Honestly:

• Clear, open communication is essential for rebuilding trust in relationships. If you’re rebuilding trust with someone, talk openly about your needs, expectations, and concerns.
• Action Step: Have honest conversations with the person you’re rebuilding trust with. Be clear about what you need from them to feel safe, and listen to their concerns as well.

8. Look for Consistency in Actions:

• Trust is built through consistent, trustworthy behavior over time. Pay attention to whether others’ actions align with their words, and use this to gauge whether you can trust them.
• Action Step: Observe how people behave over time. Do they follow through on their promises? Are they reliable? Focus on actions, not just words, to determine whether trust can be rebuilt.

9. Establish Accountability:

• When rebuilding trust with someone, it’s important that both parties take responsibility for their actions. If they gaslit or betrayed you, they must show accountability and work on their behavior.
• Action Step: If you’re rebuilding trust with a person, ask them to take responsibility for their past actions and discuss ways to prevent similar issues in the future. Acknowledge your role, if any, in the dynamic as well.

10. Work with a Therapist:

• A therapist can help you process the trauma of gaslighting and guide you in rebuilding trust. Therapy is especially helpful if you’re struggling to trust yourself or if you’re trying to repair trust in a relationship.
• Action Step: Consider individual or couples therapy to help navigate the complexities of rebuilding trust. Therapy can provide tools for better communication, setting boundaries, and processing emotions.

11. Focus on Forgiveness (If Appropriate):

• Forgiving someone doesn’t mean excusing their behavior, but it can help you release anger and resentment that may block the rebuilding of trust. Forgiveness is more about your own healing than the other person’s actions.
• Action Step: If you feel ready, work on forgiving the person who betrayed you. This could mean letting go of the emotional hold they have on you. However, only forgive if it feels right for your healing process.

12. Build a Support Network:

• Rebuilding trust often requires the support of others who reinforce your sense of reality and offer encouragement. Surround yourself with people who have consistently shown that they care about you.
• Action Step: Lean on supportive friends, family, or support groups where you can express your feelings and receive encouragement during the healing process.

13. Be Patient with Yourself and Others:

• It’s normal to feel hesitant about trusting again. If you’re rebuilding trust in a relationship, both you and the other person need to understand that it will take time, and there will be ups and downs.
• Action Step: Practice patience with yourself as you rebuild trust in your own instincts, and with others if they are working to regain your trust. Acknowledge small steps of progress.

14. Develop Emotional Resilience:

• Strengthening your emotional resilience helps protect you from future manipulations or betrayals. By building self-confidence and coping strategies, you’ll be better equipped to handle challenges that arise.
• Action Step: Practice resilience-building strategies like mindfulness, self-care, and seeking help when needed. These tools will help you trust yourself and navigate future relationships with more clarity.

15. Know When to Walk Away:

• Sometimes, it’s not possible to rebuild trust, especially if the person continues harmful behaviors or refuses to take accountability. In such cases, protecting yourself by leaving the relationship may be necessary for your well-being.
• Action Step: Assess whether the person or relationship is worth the effort of rebuilding trust. If not, prioritize your emotional health and consider stepping away.

Final Thought

Rebuilding trust is a gradual process that starts with trusting yourself and your perceptions. By setting boundaries, taking small steps, and seeking support, you can regain your confidence and build healthier, more trustworthy relationships. Be patient with the journey — it takes time, but you will emerge stronger.

Shervan K Shahhian

Long-Term Care Ombudsman, who are they:

A Long-Term Care Ombudsman is an advocate for individuals in long-term care facilities, like nursing homes and assisted living centers. They work to ensure that residents receive appropriate care and their rights are protected. Their responsibilities include investigating complaints, educating residents and their families about their rights, and working with facility staff to resolve issues. They also often work to improve the quality of care and address systemic issues in long-term care facilities.

Long-Term Care Ombudsmen can assist with a variety of issues, including:

Quality of Care: Addressing concerns about inadequate or substandard care, including issues with medication management, personal hygiene, and overall health services.

Residents’ Rights: Ensuring that residents’ rights are respected, such as the right to privacy, dignity, and freedom from abuse or neglect.

Facility Conditions: Addressing problems related to the physical environment, such as unsafe living conditions, inadequate cleanliness, or maintenance issues.

Financial Concerns: Helping with issues related to billing, financial exploitation, or discrepancies in charges and services.

Resident Autonomy: Advocating for residents’ ability to make their own choices and maintain control over their daily lives and care decisions.

Communication Issues: Assisting with problems related to communication between residents, families, and facility staff, including resolving misunderstandings or conflicts.

Discharge and Transfer Issues: Helping residents and their families navigate and address concerns about improper or forced discharge or transfer.

Abuse and Neglect: Investigating allegations of physical, emotional, or financial abuse and neglect, and taking steps to protect residents.

Ombudsmen serve as a neutral party to mediate and resolve these issues, aiming to improve the quality of life and care for individuals in long-term care settings.

To file a complaint with a Long-Term Care Ombudsman, follow these general steps:

Identify the Ombudsman Office: Find the local Long-Term Care Ombudsman program. This might be through your state’s Department of Aging or similar agency. You can often find contact information on their website or by calling local government offices.

Gather Information: Collect all relevant details about the issue. This might include the name of the facility, the nature of the complaint, dates of incidents, and any evidence or documentation you have.

Contact the Ombudsman Office: Reach out to the Ombudsman office via phone, email, or their online complaint form (if available). Provide a clear and detailed description of your complaint.

Follow Up: After filing the complaint, follow up with the Ombudsman office to ensure it has been received and is being addressed. They may provide updates on the progress or request additional information.

Documentation: Keep a record of all communications and any responses from the Ombudsman office for your reference.

If you’re unsure how to proceed, the Ombudsman office can often guide you through the process and help you understand the next steps.

Yes, family members can file complaints on behalf of their loved ones in long-term care facilities. Ombudsman programs recognize that family members often have valuable insights and concerns about the care their relatives are receiving. Here’s how family members can get involved:

Contact the Ombudsman Office: Reach out to the local Long-Term Care Ombudsman office to express your concerns. They can provide guidance on how to proceed and what information will be needed.

Provide Details: When filing a complaint, provide as much detail as possible about the issue, including the name of the facility, specific problems encountered, and any relevant documentation or evidence.

Respect Privacy: While the Ombudsman can work with family members, they also respect the privacy of the resident. If the resident is able to, their consent might be required for the Ombudsman to take action.

Follow Up: Stay in touch with the Ombudsman office for updates on the status of the complaint and any actions being taken.

Family members play a crucial role in advocating for their loved ones, and Ombudsman programs are there to support and assist in resolving issues to improve care and ensure residents’ rights are upheld.

After you file a complaint with a Long-Term Care Ombudsman, several steps typically follow:

Acknowledgment: The Ombudsman office will acknowledge receipt of your complaint. They may provide an initial response or request additional information if needed.

Assessment: The Ombudsman will review the details of your complaint to determine its validity and the appropriate course of action. They may conduct an initial assessment to understand the nature and severity of the issue.

Investigation: If the complaint warrants further action, the Ombudsman will investigate. This may involve:

• Interviews: Speaking with the resident, family members, and facility staff.
• Facility Review: Examining records, policies, and procedures related to the complaint.
• Site Visits: Visiting the facility to observe conditions and practices.

Resolution: Based on the investigation, the Ombudsman will work to resolve the issue. This might include:

• Mediation: Facilitating discussions between the resident, family, and facility to reach a resolution.
• Recommendations: Suggesting changes or improvements to the facility’s practices or policies.
• Advocacy: Assisting in addressing and rectifying specific problems identified in the complaint.

Follow-Up: The Ombudsman will follow up to ensure that the issue has been addressed and to monitor any changes or improvements. They may provide updates to you about the progress and outcome.

Documentation: The Ombudsman office will document the complaint and the actions taken. This helps in tracking trends and systemic issues that may need broader attention.

If you have any questions or need updates during the process, you can contact the Ombudsman office for more information. They are there to advocate on behalf of residents and work towards ensuring that their concerns are properly addressed.

Yes, the process with a Long-Term Care Ombudsman is generally confidential. Here’s how confidentiality is maintained:

Privacy of Information: The Ombudsman will keep personal information about the complainant and the resident confidential. This includes details about the complaint, the identity of the resident, and any other sensitive information.

Anonymous Complaints: Some Ombudsman programs allow for anonymous complaints, though providing your contact information can help if further clarification or follow-up is needed.

Confidential Handling: The investigation process is conducted in a manner that respects the privacy of all parties involved. Information gathered during the investigation is typically shared only with those who need to know to address the issue.

Resident’s Consent: If a complaint involves a resident’s care, the Ombudsman may need to obtain the resident’s consent before discussing details with others, unless the resident is unable to provide consent due to their condition.

Records Protection: Ombudsman offices maintain records of complaints and investigations in a secure manner to protect against unauthorized access.

Confidentiality helps ensure that residents and their families can voice concerns without fear of retaliation or negative consequences. If you have specific concerns about confidentiality, you can discuss them with the Ombudsman office when you file your complaint.

The length of an investigation by a Long-Term Care Ombudsman can vary depending on several factors:

Complexity of the Issue: Simple complaints might be resolved quickly, while more complex issues involving multiple parties or systemic problems can take longer.

Nature of the Complaint: Issues related to immediate safety or health concerns may be prioritized and addressed more urgently, whereas less urgent matters might take more time to investigate thoroughly.

Availability of Information: The speed at which relevant information and documents can be obtained from the facility and other sources can affect the timeline.

Facility Cooperation: The responsiveness and cooperation of the long-term care facility can impact the duration of the investigation. Facilities that are more open and responsive may lead to faster resolutions.

Ombudsman Workload: The caseload and resources of the Ombudsman office can also influence how quickly an investigation is completed.

Typically, you might expect initial updates or responses within a few weeks, but a complete investigation and resolution can take several weeks to months. The Ombudsman office will usually keep you informed about the status and any progress made. If you have concerns about the timeline or need updates, it’s a good idea to reach out to the Ombudsman office for information on the status of your complaint.

Retaliation against a resident or their family for filing a complaint with a Long-Term Care Ombudsman is a serious issue and is generally not tolerated. Here’s what you can do if you suspect retaliation:

Document the Retaliation: Keep detailed records of any retaliatory actions. This might include changes in treatment, threats, or other negative consequences you believe are a result of the complaint.

Report the Retaliation: Inform the Ombudsman office about the retaliation. They are there to protect residents’ rights and can take steps to address and investigate claims of retaliation.

Seek Support: You may also reach out to other advocacy groups or legal aid organizations that specialize in elder care or residents’ rights. They can offer additional support and advice.

Contact Regulatory Agencies: If the retaliation is severe or ongoing, you might consider reporting it to state or federal regulatory agencies that oversee long-term care facilities. They can investigate and enforce regulations against such practices.

Legal Recourse: In extreme cases, legal action may be necessary. Consulting with an attorney who specializes in elder law can provide guidance on possible legal steps to address and rectify the situation.

The Ombudsman’s role includes protecting residents from such negative consequences and ensuring their rights are upheld. If you experience retaliation, it’s important to act promptly and make use of available resources to safeguard the well-being of the resident.

Yes, retaliation can often be stopped, and there are mechanisms in place to address and prevent it. Here’s how the process generally works:

Report the Retaliation: Inform the Long-Term Care Ombudsman or the appropriate regulatory body about the retaliatory actions. Provide detailed documentation and evidence of what has occurred.

Investigation: The Ombudsman or regulatory agency will investigate the claims of retaliation. They will look into the circumstances and assess whether the retaliation is linked to the complaint made.

Intervention: The Ombudsman or regulatory body can intervene to address and rectify the situation. This may involve:

• Mediation: Facilitating discussions between the facility, the resident, and their family to resolve issues and mitigate retaliation.
• Enforcement Actions: Taking formal actions against the facility if they are found to be in violation of regulations or laws.

Corrective Measures: The facility may be required to take corrective measures to stop the retaliation and ensure that such actions do not occur in the future. This might include changes in policies or procedures.

Monitoring: Ongoing monitoring by the Ombudsman or regulatory agency can help ensure that retaliation stops and that the facility complies with any corrective actions.

Support and Advocacy: Support organizations and advocacy groups can offer additional help to ensure the safety and well-being of the resident. They can provide guidance and assistance in dealing with retaliatory actions.

It’s important to address retaliation promptly, as it not only affects the well-being of the resident but also undermines the complaint process. The mechanisms in place are designed to protect residents and ensure that their rights are upheld, including protection from retaliation.

Following up on a complaint with a Long-Term Care Ombudsman is an important step to ensure that your concerns are being addressed and to stay informed about the progress of your case. Here’s how to effectively follow up:

Contact the Ombudsman Office: Reach out to the Ombudsman office through their phone number, email, or any other contact method provided. Ask for an update on the status of your complaint.

Provide Information: When contacting the Ombudsman office, be prepared to provide your case reference number (if you have one) and any relevant details about the complaint to help them locate your file.

Ask Specific Questions: Inquire about the current status of the investigation, any actions that have been taken, and any next steps. You might ask about timelines, progress, and whether further information is needed from you.

Document Communication: Keep a record of all communications with the Ombudsman office, including dates, names of the people you spoke with, and details of the conversations. This can be useful if you need to reference past interactions.

Be Persistent but Patient: Understand that some investigations can take time. If you don’t receive a timely response, follow up regularly but maintain patience as the Ombudsman works through the process.

Request Escalation: If you’re not satisfied with the response or progress, ask about escalation options. You might request that your case be reviewed by a higher authority within the Ombudsman office or seek additional assistance.

Seek Additional Resources: If you encounter significant delays or issues with the Ombudsman process, you might consider contacting other advocacy groups, legal aid organizations, or regulatory bodies for additional support.

By staying engaged and informed, you can help ensure that your complaint is addressed effectively and that you’re aware of any outcomes or resolutions.

Yes, a Long-Term Care Ombudsman can take actions to stop retaliation and address issues related to it. Here’s how an Ombudsman might intervene:

Investigate the Complaint: The Ombudsman will investigate the claims of retaliation, assessing whether the retaliatory actions are a direct consequence of the complaint made.

Facilitate Resolution: The Ombudsman can mediate between the resident, family, and facility to resolve the issue. This might involve:

• Negotiating: Working with the facility to address and stop the retaliatory behavior.
• Improving Communication: Facilitating discussions to clear up misunderstandings and ensure that the facility understands the seriousness of the issue.

Enforce Policies: If the facility is found to be violating regulations or policies, the Ombudsman can take steps to enforce corrective actions. This could include:

• Recommending Changes: Suggesting changes to facility policies or practices to prevent further retaliation.
• Reporting to Authorities: Involving state or federal regulatory agencies to ensure compliance and address serious violations.

Monitor Compliance: The Ombudsman can monitor the situation to ensure that the retaliation has ceased and that the facility is complying with any corrective measures.

Advocacy and Support: The Ombudsman office may provide ongoing support and advocacy for the resident and their family to ensure their rights are upheld and they are protected from further retaliation.

While the Ombudsman’s role is crucial in addressing and preventing retaliation, it’s important to maintain communication with the Ombudsman office and follow up regularly to ensure that the situation is resolved effectively.

Yes, you can typically appeal decisions made by a Long-Term Care Ombudsman, though the process for doing so may vary depending on your location and the specific Ombudsman program. Here’s a general outline of how you might appeal a decision:

Review the Decision: Carefully review the decision or resolution provided by the Ombudsman office. Understand the reasons behind their decision and any specific actions they have taken or recommended.

Contact the Ombudsman Office: Reach out to the Ombudsman office to discuss your concerns about the decision. They may be able to clarify the decision or provide additional information.

Request an Appeal: Ask about the formal process for appealing the decision. This process can vary, but you may need to submit a written request for an appeal, detailing why you believe the decision should be reconsidered.

Provide Additional Information: If you’re appealing a decision, be prepared to provide any additional evidence or information that supports your case. This might include new evidence or arguments that were not considered initially.

Follow the Appeal Process: Adhere to any specific procedures and deadlines for submitting an appeal. The Ombudsman office will guide you on the next steps and how the appeal will be reviewed.

Seek Assistance: If you’re unsure how to proceed with an appeal or if you face difficulties, you may seek assistance from advocacy groups, legal aid organizations, or other resources that specialize in elder care and residents’ rights.

External Review: In some cases, if you’re dissatisfied with the Ombudsman’s appeal process or outcome, you might consider contacting external regulatory agencies or seeking legal advice to explore further options.

The appeal process is designed to ensure that decisions are fair and that all concerns are thoroughly addressed. By following the proper procedures, you can work to ensure that your issues are reconsidered and resolved appropriately.

Yes, there are several legal protections available for residents in long-term care facilities, designed to safeguard their rights and address issues such as retaliation, neglect, and abuse. Here are some key protections and legal avenues:

Residents’ Rights Laws:

• Federal Law: The Nursing Home Reform Act (NHRA) of 1987 provides residents in nursing homes with a set of rights, including the right to be free from abuse, neglect, and exploitation. It also guarantees the right to participate in care planning and make personal choices.
• State Laws: Many states have additional regulations that provide further protections for residents in long-term care facilities. These laws often cover issues related to quality of care, residents’ rights, and facility standards.

Anti-Retaliation Protections:

• Federal and State Protections: Laws typically prohibit retaliation against residents or their families who file complaints about care. Facilities are not allowed to discriminate or retaliate against those who exercise their rights or report issues.

Abuse and Neglect Reporting:

• Mandatory Reporting Laws: Care facilities and certain professionals are legally required to report suspected abuse or neglect to authorities. Failure to report can lead to legal consequences for the facility or individuals involved.

Legal Recourse:

• Civil Lawsuits: Residents or their families can pursue civil lawsuits for damages if there is evidence of abuse, neglect, or breach of rights. Legal action can be taken against individuals or the facility.
• Elder Abuse Hotlines: Many states have hotlines or agencies dedicated to investigating elder abuse and neglect. These can be used to report serious issues and seek intervention.

Advocacy and Legal Aid:

• Legal Aid Organizations: Various non-profit organizations offer legal assistance to residents and their families. These organizations can help navigate legal processes and advocate for residents’ rights.
• Elder Law Attorneys: Specialized attorneys who focus on elder law can provide legal advice and representation for issues related to long-term care.

Regulatory Agencies:

• State Health Departments: These agencies oversee long-term care facilities and can take enforcement actions if facilities are found to be in violation of regulations.
• Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services (CMS): CMS oversees nursing homes and can take action against facilities that fail to comply with federal standards.

If you encounter issues such as retaliation or other violations, it’s important to document everything and seek support from the appropriate legal and advocacy resources.

Several agencies and organizations can help with issues related to long-term care facilities, including complaints, abuse, neglect, and retaliation. Here are key agencies and resources to consider:

Federal Agencies:

Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services (CMS)

• Role: Oversees nursing homes and other long-term care facilities that participate in Medicare and Medicaid programs.
• Contact: CMS Website

Administration for Community Living (ACL)

• Role: Provides information and resources related to aging and disability services. It oversees the Long-Term Care Ombudsman Program.
• Contact: ACL Website

Office of Inspector General (OIG)

• Role: Investigates allegations of fraud and abuse in Medicare and Medicaid programs.
• Contact: OIG Website

State Agencies:

State Department of Aging or Office on Aging

• Role: Provides oversight and resources for elder care services and can handle complaints about long-term care facilities.
• Contact: Search for your state’s department or office on aging through state government websites.

State Health Department

• Role: Regulates and inspects long-term care facilities. Can address issues related to health and safety violations.
• Contact: Find your state’s health department through state government websites.

State Long-Term Care Ombudsman Program

• Role: Advocates for residents in long-term care facilities, investigates complaints, and works to resolve issues.
• Contact: National Ombudsman Resource Center provides contact information for state programs.

Local Agencies and Resources:

Local Aging and Disability Resource Centers (ADRCs)

• Role: Provide information and support for individuals seeking long-term care services and can assist with complaints.
• Contact: ADRC Locator

Local Elder Law Attorneys

• Role: Specialize in issues related to elder care, including abuse, neglect, and legal rights.
• Contact: Find through local bar associations or elder law directories.

Local Legal Aid Organizations

• Role: Offer free or low-cost legal assistance for issues related to elder care and long-term care facilities.
• Contact: Search for local legal aid organizations through national directories or local community resources.

National Advocacy Organizations:

AARP

• Role: Provides information, advocacy, and resources for older adults, including issues related to long-term care.
• Contact: AARP Website

National Consumer Voice for Quality Long-Term Care

• Role: Advocates for quality care in long-term care facilities and provides resources for residents and families.
• Contact: Consumer Voice Website

Elder Justice Coalition

• Role: Works to protect elders from abuse and neglect and advocates for policies and resources to support elder care.
• Contact: Elder Justice Coalition Website

If you encounter issues with a long-term care facility, these agencies and organizations can provide guidance, support, and intervention to address and resolve your concerns.

If you have concerns or issues with a long-term care facility and have already engaged with the Long-Term Care Ombudsman or relevant agencies, here are the next steps you might consider:

Review and Follow Up:

• Understand the Outcome: Review any decisions or resolutions provided by the Ombudsman or agency.
• Follow Up: If you need further clarification or updates, contact the Ombudsman office or relevant agency to inquire about the status and next steps.

Document Everything:

• Keep Records: Maintain detailed records of all communications, decisions, and actions taken related to your complaint.
• Gather Evidence: Continue to collect any additional evidence or documentation that supports your case.

Request an Appeal (if necessary):

• Appeal Process: If you are dissatisfied with the outcome, follow the formal appeal process as outlined by the Ombudsman or agency.
• Submit Additional Information: Provide any new evidence or arguments that may support your appeal.

Seek Additional Resources:

• Legal Assistance: Consult with an elder law attorney or legal aid organization for advice and potential legal action if necessary.
• Advocacy Groups: Reach out to national or local advocacy organizations for additional support and guidance.

Report to Regulatory Agencies:

• State Health Department: If the issue involves health and safety violations, file a report with your state’s health department.
• Federal Agencies: Contact federal agencies like CMS or the Office of Inspector General if applicable.

Consider Alternative Avenues:

• Mediation: Explore mediation services to resolve disputes between the resident, family, and facility.
• Public Awareness: In some cases, raising awareness through local media or advocacy groups might help address systemic issues.

Monitor and Review:

• Check Compliance: Monitor the facility to ensure that any required changes or improvements are implemented.
• Regular Updates: Continue to stay in touch with the Ombudsman or relevant agencies for ongoing updates.

Self-Care:

• Support: Ensure that you and your family are getting the emotional and psychological support needed during this process. Advocacy and complaint resolution can be stressful, and support from professionals or support groups can be beneficial.

Taking these steps helps ensure that your concerns are addressed thoroughly and that appropriate actions are taken to resolve issues with the long-term care facility.

Appealing a decision made by a Long-Term Care Ombudsman or any related agency involves a specific process that can vary depending on the organization and the nature of the decision. Here’s a general guide on how to appeal a decision:

1. Review the Decision

• Understand the Rationale: Carefully review the decision or resolution provided by the Ombudsman or agency to understand the reasons behind it.
• Identify Grounds for Appeal: Determine the basis for your appeal. This could include new evidence, procedural errors, or disagreements with the decision’s outcome.

2. Contact the Ombudsman Office

• Initial Inquiry: Contact the Ombudsman office to express your intention to appeal. Ask for detailed information about the appeal process and any specific requirements.
• Request Appeal Instructions: Obtain any forms, guidelines, or procedures necessary for submitting an appeal.

3. Prepare Your Appeal

• Draft Your Appeal Letter: Write a formal appeal letter or statement. Include:
• Your Contact Information: Name, address, phone number, and email.
• Case Details: Reference the case or complaint number, if applicable.
• Reason for Appeal: Clearly state why you are appealing, including any new evidence or arguments.
• Desired Outcome: Specify what resolution or action you are seeking.
• Gather Supporting Documents: Include any new evidence, documentation, or information relevant to your appeal.

4. Submit Your Appeal

• Follow Submission Guidelines: Submit your appeal according to the instructions provided by the Ombudsman office. This could be via mail, email, or an online portal.
• Meet Deadlines: Ensure that you adhere to any deadlines for filing an appeal.

5. Follow Up

• Confirm Receipt: Verify that your appeal has been received by the Ombudsman office or agency. Request confirmation if you do not receive one.
• Inquire About Timeline: Ask about the expected timeline for reviewing and making a decision on your appeal.

6. Review the Appeal Decision

• Receive and Review: Once your appeal has been reviewed, you will receive a decision. Review it carefully to understand any new conclusions or actions taken.
• Further Actions: If you are still dissatisfied with the outcome, inquire about additional appeal options or next steps.

7. Seek Additional Assistance

• Legal Support: If needed, consult with an elder law attorney or legal aid organization to explore further legal options or advice.
• Advocacy Groups: Reach out to advocacy groups for additional support and guidance throughout the appeal process.

8. Document Everything

• Keep Records: Maintain a complete record of all communications, documents, and decisions related to your appeal.

Each Ombudsman office or agency may have specific procedures for handling appeals, so it’s crucial to follow their guidelines closely. If you have difficulty navigating the process, seeking assistance from a legal professional or advocacy organization can be beneficial.

Shervan K Shahhian

Mental Health Elder/Dependent Adult Abuse Reporting:

Reporting mental health elder or dependent adult abuse is crucial for protecting vulnerable populations. Abuse can take many forms, including physical, emotional, financial, or neglect, and it’s important to understand the steps for reporting it to the proper authorities.

Key Steps for Reporting Abuse:

1. Identify the Abuse:

• Abuse may include physical injury, emotional distress, neglect, isolation, abandonment, or financial exploitation.
• Mental health abuse can involve manipulation, coercion, or failure to provide necessary care.

1. Who to Report:

• Elder Abuse: Typically, anyone over the age of 65, in California could be over age 60, please double check it
• with your local laws.
• Dependent Adult Abuse: Anyone between 18 and 64 years in California could be anyone from 18 years old to 59, please double check it with your local laws. old with a physical or mental disability that makes them dependent on others for care.

1. Who Should Report:

• Mandated Reporters: These include health professionals (doctors, nurses, psychologists), social workers, caregivers, and law enforcement. They are legally required to report abuse.
• Others: While not required, anyone who witnesses or suspects abuse can and should report it.

1. Where to Report:

• Adult Protective Services (APS): APS is a government agency responsible for investigating reports of elder and dependent adult abuse. Each state has its own APS office, and reports can be made confidentially.
• Local Law Enforcement: If abuse involves criminal activity, it may also be necessary to contact the police.
• Long-Term Care Ombudsman: For those in nursing homes or assisted living, this office handles abuse complaints.

1. How to Report:

• Emergency: If the situation is life-threatening, call 911.
• Non-Emergency: Report to APS by phone or online through your local agency. The report should include:
• Name, age, and address of the elder or dependent adult.
• The nature and extent of the abuse.
• The name of the person responsible for the abuse (if known).
• Any other relevant details.

1. After Reporting:

• Investigation: APS or the appropriate agency will investigate the report and assess the individual’s safety.
• Confidentiality: Reports can be made anonymously, and mandated reporters are protected from liability.

1. Legal Protections:

• In many states, laws protect individuals who report abuse in good faith from retaliation or legal action.

1. Support Services:

• In addition to reporting, it may be important to connect the elder or dependent adult with mental health services, legal aid, or other community resources to ensure their safety and well-being.

If you suspect abuse, it’s always better to report it and let professionals investigate further.

Filing a report for elder or dependent adult abuse involves contacting the appropriate authorities in your area, providing detailed information, and ensuring the vulnerable individual gets help as quickly as possible. Here’s a step-by-step guide to filing a report:

1. Assess the Urgency

• Immediate Danger: If the elder or dependent adult is in immediate danger, call 911 or your local emergency services right away.
• Non-Emergency: If the abuse is not life-threatening but still serious, proceed with reporting to the appropriate agency.

2. Gather Information

Before filing a report, gather the following details:

• Victim’s Information: Name, age, address, and any known medical or mental health conditions.
• Details of the Abuse: Describe the type of abuse (physical, emotional, neglect, financial, etc.), when it occurred, and how you became aware of it.
• Abuser’s Information (if known): Name and relationship to the victim (e.g., family member, caregiver).
• Any Witnesses: Provide details if others can corroborate the abuse.
• Context: Explain how the abuse is affecting the victim (physical injury, mental distress, financial loss).

3. Contact the Right Agency

The agency to contact depends on the situation and location:

• Adult Protective Services (APS):
• This is the primary agency in the U.S. for reporting elder or dependent adult abuse.
• Each state has its own APS agency. You can find your local APS contact information through:
• The National Adult Protective Services Association (NAPSA) Website.
• APS accepts reports via phone, email, or through online reporting systems in some states.
• Long-Term Care Ombudsman:
• If the person is in a nursing home or long-term care facility, you can file a report with the Long-Term Care Ombudsman.
• Contact the Ombudsman program for your area via the Eldercare Locator or call 1–800–677–1116.
• Local Law Enforcement:
• If the abuse involves physical harm, theft, or other crimes, you may also need to file a police report. Call the non-emergency number for your local police department or sheriff’s office.

4. File the Report

• In-Person or By Phone: Many states have a hotline for APS where you can report suspected abuse directly. The agency staff will guide you through the process.
• Example for California APS: 1–833–401–0832 or visit the APS online portal to report abuse.
• Online: Some states and counties have an online reporting system, where you can submit the details electronically.
• Example: California’s APS Reporting Website Online Portal

5. What Happens After You File?

• Investigation: APS or law enforcement will open an investigation. They may visit the victim’s home or care facility, interview witnesses, and assess the person’s safety.
• Confidentiality: Your identity can be kept confidential if you request it, and anonymous reports are often accepted.
• Follow-Up: APS may provide updates on the case, but in many cases, details of the investigation are kept confidential. You can request to be informed of the outcome.

6. Follow Up if Necessary

• If the situation seems to worsen or if you believe the authorities have not addressed the issue, you can follow up with the APS caseworker or law enforcement to get an update.

Additional Resources

• National Center on Elder Abuse (NCEA): Offers resources and state-specific reporting information: NCEA Website.
• Shervan K Shahhian

Psychological war games, what are they:

Psychological war games refer to strategies and techniques used to influence, manipulate, or disrupt the mental state, morale, decision-making processes, and perceptions of opponents, often in the context of military operations, politics, or business. These tactics are designed to create confusion, fear, doubt, or uncertainty in the minds of adversaries, causing them to make decisions that are advantageous to the one employing the psychological tactics.

Key Elements of Psychological War Games:

Deception: This involves misleading the opponent about intentions, capabilities, or plans. Deception can be achieved through misinformation, camouflage, or creating false narratives.

Propaganda: The use of media, communication channels, and symbols to spread messages that influence public opinion, demoralize the enemy, or rally support. Propaganda can be overt (clearly intended as influence) or covert (designed to look like normal information).

Disinformation: Deliberately spreading false information to confuse or mislead the opponent. This can be used to create uncertainty or cause the opponent to make poor decisions.

Psychological Operations (PSYOP): These are specific military operations aimed at influencing the emotions, motives, and behaviors of target audiences. The goal is to weaken the enemy’s resolve or strengthen the resolve of allies.

Perception Management: Manipulating how the opponent or the public perceives a situation, often by controlling the flow of information or framing events in a specific way.

Fear and Intimidation: Using threats, demonstrations of power, or the suggestion of dire consequences to create fear or panic in the opponent, leading to irrational or hasty decision-making.

Mind Games: Engaging in tactics that cause the opponent to second-guess themselves, doubt their abilities, or question their strategies. This can involve feints, bluffs, or calculated provocations.

Historical Examples:

• Cold War Espionage: Two super powers used psychological tactics to outmaneuver each other, including disinformation campaigns, propaganda, and espionage.
• Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War”: An ancient text that outlines various psychological strategies in warfare, emphasizing the importance of deception and the mental aspect of conflict.
• Operation Fortitude (World War II): The Allied forces used a complex deception plan to mislead Nazi Germany about the location of the D-Day invasion, contributing to the success of the Normandy landings.

Modern Applications:

Psychological war games are not limited to traditional warfare. They can be seen in areas such as:

• Politics: Campaign strategies often involve psychological tactics to sway voters or undermine opponents.
• Business: Competitive intelligence and strategic planning may include psychological elements to outmaneuver competitors.
• Cyber Warfare: The digital age has introduced new avenues for psychological operations, including social media manipulation, hacking, and spreading disinformation online.

The goal of psychological war games is to achieve an advantage without direct confrontation, often by exploiting the human element in decision-making and perception.

Shervan K Shahhian

The Path of the Reduction of Suffering

“Compassion Beyond Compassion”

“Compassion Psychology, it’s a modern approach to Psychology, with its practical applications. This theory was conceived by:

Shervan K. Shahhian in Los Angeles, California, USA and it is still developing as a theory of interpersonal development and Compassion. In Compassion Psychology, the effort is made by an individual to understand themselves better by self reflection, contemplation, meditation and helping others. Once a person understands their own strengths and weaknesses they can possibly make better decisions. Compassion Psychology can only work if a person is willing to make positive changes in their thoughts, words and behavior. Self improvement, compassion for self and compassion for all living things are at the core of Compassion Psychology.”
Copyright 2021
Literary Division
United States Copyright Office

Shervan K. Shahhian

Excessive people-pleasing behavior, also known as people-pleasing or approval-seeking behavior, refers to a pattern of behavior where an individual goes to great lengths to gain the approval, validation, or acceptance of others. People who engage in excessive people-pleasing often prioritize the needs and desires of others over their own, sometimes at the expense of their own well-being.

Key characteristics of excessive people-pleasing behavior may include:

Fear of Disapproval: People-pleasers often have an intense fear of being disliked, rejected, or criticized by others. This fear may drive them to seek constant approval and avoid any form of conflict.

Difficulty Saying No: Individuals with people-pleasing tendencies may find it challenging to say no, even when it is in their best interest. They may take on too many responsibilities or agree to things they don’t genuinely want to do.

Avoidance of Conflict: People-pleasers may go to great lengths to avoid conflict or disagreement. They may suppress their own opinions or needs to maintain a harmonious environment.

Low Self-Esteem: Excessive people-pleasing can be linked to low self-esteem. The individual may derive their sense of self-worth from the approval of others, leading to a constant need for external validation.

Over-Apologizing: People-pleasers may apologize frequently, even for things that are not their fault. They may apologize to avoid confrontation or to seek reassurance that they are not upsetting others.

Difficulty Expressing Authentic Emotions: Individuals who excessively people-please may struggle to express their true emotions, fearing that their genuine feelings might be met with disapproval.

Neglect of Personal Needs: People-pleasers often prioritize the needs of others over their own, neglecting self-care and personal well-being.

Excessive people-pleasing can have negative consequences on mental health and relationships. It may lead to feelings of frustration, resentment, and burnout. It’s important for individuals exhibiting these behaviors to develop a healthier balance between meeting their own needs and maintaining positive social connections. This may involve setting boundaries, learning to say no when necessary, and building self-esteem independent of external validation. Therapy can be a helpful resource for those looking to address and change these patterns of behavior.

Shervan K Shahhian

Emotional neglect and codependency are related concepts that often intersect in the realm of psychology and interpersonal relationships.

Emotional Neglect: Emotional neglect refers to a situation in which an individual’s emotional needs are consistently unmet or ignored, typically within the context of their family or primary caregiving environment. It can manifest in various ways, such as a lack of emotional responsiveness, attention, validation, or support. Emotional neglect can occur during childhood or in adult relationships, and it may have significant and lasting effects on an individual’s emotional well-being.

Codependency: Codependency is a pattern of dysfunctional and excessive reliance on others for a sense of identity, self-worth, and emotional well-being. People who struggle with codependency often prioritize others’ needs and feelings over their own, to the detriment of their own mental and emotional health. Codependent individuals may have difficulty setting boundaries, experience a fear of abandonment, and may feel a compulsive need to take care of others, often at the expense of their own needs and desires.

Intersection of Emotional Neglect and Codependency: There is a connection between emotional neglect and the development of codependent patterns. In many cases, individuals who experience emotional neglect during their formative years may develop codependent tendencies as a way to cope with the lack of emotional support and validation. Codependency can be a survival strategy that evolves from a background of unmet emotional needs.

Codependency often involves a strong desire for external validation and a fear of rejection or abandonment. These traits may be exacerbated in individuals who have experienced emotional neglect, as they may have learned to seek validation and connection outside of themselves due to a lack of emotional support within their primary relationships.

Addressing Emotional Neglect and Codependency: Therapy, particularly approaches such as psychotherapy or counseling, can be beneficial for individuals dealing with the effects of emotional neglect and codependency. Therapy can help individuals explore and understand their past experiences, develop healthier coping mechanisms, establish boundaries, and work towards building healthier relationships.

It’s important to note that individuals experiencing these challenges can benefit from professional support and guidance to navigate their emotions and develop more positive and fulfilling relationships.

Shervan K Shahhian

The terms “big trauma” and “small trauma” are not widely recognized or used in formal psychological or clinical contexts. However, I can provide some information based on the general understanding of trauma.

Trauma refers to an emotional or psychological response to a distressing or disturbing event or series of events. Trauma can vary in intensity, and different individuals may respond to similar events in different ways. There are two main types of trauma: acute trauma and chronic trauma.

Acute Trauma (Big Trauma):

• Acute trauma typically refers to a single, severe event that has a profound and immediate impact on an individual.
• Examples of acute trauma include natural disasters, serious accidents, physical assault, sexual assault, or witnessing a violent event.
• The effects of acute trauma can be intense and may result in symptoms such as flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety, depression, and other psychological responses.

Chronic Trauma (Small Trauma):

• Chronic trauma, sometimes referred to as complex trauma, is associated with repeated and prolonged exposure to distressing events.
• This type of trauma often occurs within relationships, such as in cases of ongoing emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, neglect, or living in a consistently unsafe environment.
• Chronic trauma can have a cumulative effect on an individual’s mental and emotional well-being, leading to long-term consequences and impacting one’s ability to form healthy relationships or cope with stress.

It’s important to note that the terms “big trauma” and “small trauma” are not standard psychological terms, and the impact of trauma is highly individualized. What may be considered a small trauma for one person could have a significant impact on another. Additionally, the severity of the trauma is not solely determined by the external event but also by an individual’s subjective experience and coping mechanisms.

If you or someone you know is dealing with trauma, it is advisable to seek support from mental health professionals who can provide guidance and assistance based on the specific circumstances and needs of the individual.

Shervan K Shahhian

Inherited generational trauma refers to the transmission of trauma, stress, or adverse experiences from one generation to the next. This concept suggests that the effects of trauma can be passed down through families, impacting individuals who did not directly experience the traumatic events. The idea is rooted in the understanding that trauma can have lasting effects on an individual’s mental, emotional, and even physical well-being, and these effects may be observed in subsequent generations.

Key aspects of inherited generational trauma include:

Epigenetics: Some researchers propose that trauma can lead to changes in gene expression, and these changes can be passed down through generations. Epigenetic modifications do not alter the underlying DNA sequence but can influence how genes are activated or silenced. This may result in a heightened vulnerability to stress or mental health issues in descendants.

Family Dynamics: Trauma can influence family dynamics, communication patterns, and coping mechanisms. Behaviors and coping strategies developed by one generation in response to trauma may be passed down to the next, creating a cycle of dysfunctional patterns.

Cultural Transmission: Cultural values, beliefs, and practices within a family or community can play a role in transmitting trauma across generations. Cultural narratives, rituals, or the absence of open communication about traumatic events can contribute to the perpetuation of trauma.

Social and Environmental Factors: External factors, such as systemic oppression, discrimination, or socioeconomic challenges, can contribute to the persistence of trauma across generations. These factors may create an environment where individuals and families continue to face adversity.

Resilience: On the positive side, some individuals and families demonstrate resilience in the face of trauma. Resilience refers to the ability to adapt and bounce back from adversity. Supportive relationships, community resources, and mental health interventions can help break the cycle of inherited generational trauma.

Addressing inherited generational trauma often involves a multifaceted approach, including therapy, education, and community support. Recognizing the impact of trauma, fostering open communication within families, and seeking professional help can contribute to breaking the cycle and promoting healing across generations.

Shervan K Shahhian

Behavioral avoidance refers to a strategy or pattern of behavior in which an individual actively avoids certain situations, objects, activities, or people to reduce anxiety, fear, or discomfort. This type of avoidance is often associated with conditions such as anxiety disorders, phobias, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

People who engage in behavioral avoidance typically go to great lengths to steer clear of stimuli that trigger their emotional distress. This avoidance can take various forms, such as avoiding specific places, people, or activities, or using coping mechanisms to minimize exposure to perceived threats. For example, someone with a social anxiety disorder might avoid social gatherings, while someone with a specific phobia, such as a fear of flying, may go to great lengths to avoid situations involving air travel.

While avoidance behaviors may provide temporary relief from distress, they can also reinforce and exacerbate anxiety over time. In therapeutic settings, addressing and gradually confronting these avoided situations or stimuli is often a key component of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and other evidence-based treatments for anxiety-related disorders. The goal is to help individuals develop healthier coping mechanisms and reduce the impact of fear or anxiety on their daily lives.

Shervan K Shahhian