healing – LIBERTY PSYCHOLOGICAL ASSOCIATION

Planning for High-Risk Situations, explained:

Planning for high-risk situations is a way to protect future, you when you know your nervous system, habits, or environment might get activated and pull you off course. It’s used a lot in substance use recovery, trauma work, and relapse-prevention, but it’s really about anticipating vulnerability and adding support ahead of time.

Here’s a clean, practical breakdown.

What counts as a “high-risk situation”?

Anything that reliably increases the chance of:

relapse or acting out
emotional overwhelm
dissociation or shutdown
impulsive or self-defeating behavior

Common examples:

Strong emotional states (shame, loneliness, anger, grief)
Interpersonal triggers (conflict, rejection, criticism)
Environmental cues (certain places, people, times of day)
Internal states (fatigue, hunger, pain, stress)
Cognitive states (“I don’t care anymore,” “What’s the point?”)

High-risk ≠ weakness.
It means predictable nervous-system activation.

Core elements of planning for high-risk situations

1. Identify your personal risk profile

Not generic, yours.

Ask:

When do I usually lose access to my values?
What patterns repeat before things go sideways?
What sensations, thoughts, or urges show up first?

This is somatic + cognitive:

Body: tight chest, buzzing, collapse
Mind: all-or-nothing thinking, justifying, numbing logic
Behavior: isolating, seeking relief fast

2. Name early warning signs

Catching it early is everything.

Examples:

“I stop answering texts”
“My inner critic gets louder”
“I feel unreal / detached”
“I start bargaining with myself”

This shifts you from reactive to observant.

3. Pre-decide coping responses

You choose before the trigger, because during activation, choice narrows.

Good plans include:

Immediate regulation (grounding, breath, movement)
Delay strategies (urge surfing, 20-minute rule)
Connection (specific people, not vague “reach out”)
Environment changes (leave, remove access, change location)
Meaning anchors (values, commitments, consequences)

Simple beats clever.

4. Plan for impaired thinking

In high-risk moments, insight often goes offline.

So ask:

What will I forget when I’m activated?
What lies does my mind tell me?

Then write counter-statements in advance:

“This urge will peak and pass.”
“Relief now = pain later.”
“I don’t have to decide anything tonight.”

This is borrowing your wise mind ahead of time.

5. Rehearse the plan

This part gets skipped and it matters.

Visualize the trigger
Walk through the response
Feel it in your body

You’re training the nervous system, not just the intellect.

Why this works (psychologically & somatically)

Reduces cognitive load under stress
Interrupts habit loops
Restores a sense of agency
Builds trust in yourself
Shifts shame to strategy

Planning isn’t rigidity, it’s compassionate realism.

Shervan K Shahhian

Understanding Somatic Signatures:

Somatic signatures are the distinct, patterned ways your body signals a particular emotional or psychological state, often before your conscious mind catches up.

Think of them as your nervous system’s calling cards.

What they are, simply

A somatic signature is a reliable body pattern (sensations, posture, breath, tension, impulses) that shows up when a specific emotion, belief, memory, or survival strategy is activated.

They’re not random sensations—they’re meaningful, repeatable, and context-linked.

Examples

Anxiety signature: tight chest, shallow breathing, jaw clenching, forward-leaning posture
Shame signature: collapsed chest, downcast eyes, heat in face, urge to hide
Anger signature: heat in arms, clenched fists, pressure in jaw, urge to move forward
Grief signature: heaviness in chest, slow breathing, throat tightness
Safety/connection signature: warmth in torso, fuller breath, relaxed shoulders

Each person’s pattern is idiosyncratic, your anxiety may live in your gut, someone else’s in their throat.

Why they matter (clinically + practically)

They show up before thoughts, early warning system
They’re harder to lie to than cognition
They reveal which survival system is online (threat, attachment, collapse, mobilization)
They allow regulation without analysis

For trauma and attachment work, somatic signatures are gold because the body remembers what the mind rationalizes away.

Somatic signatures vs emotions

Important distinction:

Emotion = category label (fear, sadness, anger)
Somatic signature = the body configuration that carries that emotion

You can change the emotional trajectory by working with the signature directly (breath, posture, movement, grounding), without disputing thoughts.

In practice (micro-intervention)

Notice: “What is my body doing right now?”
Name the pattern (not the story): tight throat, shallow breath, pulled-in shoulders
Track it with curiosity (not control)
Offer a small counter-signal (lengthen exhale, widen posture, orient to room)This gently tells the nervous system: “You’re not in danger now.”

Specifically

Somatic signatures are also the interface layer, where perception, meaning, and regulation meet. They’re the substrate beneath cognition, belief, and even anomalous experience.

Shervan K Shahhian

Understanding Conditional Attachment:

Conditional attachment refers to a relational pattern where connection, care, or safety is experienced as dependent on meeting certain conditions—rather than being reliably available.

In short: “I’m attached if I perform, comply, please, succeed, stay regulated, or don’t need too much.”

Core features

Love = earned, not given
Attachment is contingent on behavior, mood, usefulness, or achievement
Safety feels revocable
The nervous system stays on watch for cues of withdrawal or disapproval

How it forms

Most often develops in environments where caregivers:

Gave affection selectively (praise for success, withdrawal for failure)
Were emotionally available only when the child was “easy,” calm, or impressive
Used approval, attention, or closeness as regulation tools
Rewarded compliance and punished authenticity (emotion, need, protest)

The child learns:

“To stay connected, I must manage myself—and often you.”

Common adult expressions

People-pleasing, over-functioning, or perfectionism
Hyper-attunement to others’ moods
Fear of being “too much” or “not enough”
Collapse, shame, or anger when needs arise
Relationships that feel transactional rather than resting

Nervous system angle

Conditional attachment keeps the system in sympathetic vigilance or freeze-compliance:

Attachment = threat + reward
Proximity doesn’t fully down-regulate
Safety is never assumed—only temporarily granted

This is why even “good” relationships can feel tiring or precarious.

Contrast: secure attachment

Conditional	Secure
Love must be maintained	Love is assumed
Safety is earned	Safety is baseline
Authenticity risks loss	Authenticity deepens bond
Needs feel dangerous	Needs are welcomed

Healing direction

Repair isn’t about “detaching” but re-patterning attachment:

Experiences of non-contingent presence (“I’m here even if nothing changes”)
Learning to tolerate being seen without performing
Nervous-system level safety before insight
Relational repair where rupture ≠ abandonment

Given your trauma and phenomenology-focused lens, conditional attachment is best understood not as a belief problem, but as a learned survival contract the body once needed.

Shervan K Shahhian

Difficulty Accepting Compassion, an explanation:

Difficulty accepting compassion is very common—especially in people who grew up needing to be self-reliant, vigilant, or emotionally contained. It’s less a flaw and more a learned survival strategy.

Here’s a clean way to understand it, psychologically and neurobiologically:

What “difficulty accepting compassion” really means

It’s not that compassion feels bad.
It’s that compassion feels unsafe, unfamiliar, or destabilizing.

When someone offers warmth, care, or gentleness, the nervous system may interpret it as:

a loss of control
a setup for disappointment or betrayal
an invitation to dependency
a threat to a hard-won identity (“I survive by being strong / competent / independent”)

So the system subtly resists.

Common internal experiences

People often report:

Feeling awkward, exposed, or undeserving
A reflex to deflect, minimize, joke, or intellectualize
Sudden tension, numbness, or irritation
Thoughts like:
- “They don’t really know me.”
- “I should be able to handle this myself.”
- “If I accept this, I owe something.”

These are protective responses, not character flaws.

Developmental roots (typical pathways)

Difficulty receiving compassion often develops when:

1. Care was inconsistent or conditional

Compassion came with strings attached, role reversal, or emotional cost.

Result: care = danger or debt

2. Vulnerability was punished or ignored

Needs were met with shame, dismissal, or overwhelm.

Result: softness = exposure

3. Identity formed around competence or insight

Being “the strong one,” “the wise one,” or “the self-sufficient one” became how safety was maintained.

Result: receiving care threatens identity coherence

Nervous system explanation (why it’s felt in the body)

Compassion activates social engagement systems (ventral vagal).
If those circuits were underused or paired with threat early on:

the body may respond with unease, vigilance
numbing, dissociation

So even kindness can feel like overstimulation or collapse.

Subtle forms of resistance (often overlooked)

Preferring to give compassion rather than receive it
Framing everything as insight, spirituality, or theory
Accepting compassion cognitively but not somatically
Feeling safer with respect than with warmth

These are elegant adaptations.

What helps (without forcing openness)

The goal is not to “open the heart” aggressively.

More effective approaches:

1. Micro-doses of compassion

Brief, low-intensity moments (a kind tone, a neutral acknowledgment) tolerated without needing to feel moved.

2. Choice and agency

Compassion that is invitational, not engulfing:

“Would it help if…?”

3. Somatic tracking

Noticing where the discomfort shows up (throat, chest, gut) without trying to fix it.

4. Reframing compassion as regulation, not dependency

Compassion = nervous system co-regulation, not weakness or debt.

A key reframe

Difficulty accepting compassion usually means
you learned to survive without it, not that you don’t deserve it.

That adaptation deserves respect.

Shervan K Shahhian

Global Self-Condemnation, what is it?

Global self-condemnation is a cognitive–emotional pattern in which a person judges their entire self as bad, defective, or unworthy based on specific mistakes, traits, or experiences.

Rather than thinking “I did something wrong,” the person concludes “I am wrong.”

Core Characteristics

Totalizing self-judgment: One flaw, failure, or behavior is taken as evidence that the whole self is bad.
Stable and global: The judgment feels permanent (“always,” “fundamentally”) and applies across contexts.
Moralized shame: Not just regret or guilt, but a sense of being inherently corrupt or unredeemable.
Resistant to evidence: Positive feedback or success doesn’t disconfirm the belief.

Common Forms

“I am a bad person.”
“There’s something wrong with me at my core.”
“If people really knew me, they’d reject me.”
“My past defines who I am.”

How It Differs From Related Constructs

Guilt → Behavior-focused (“I did something wrong”)
Shame → Self-focused but situational (“I feel bad about who I was then”)
Global self-condemnation → Identity-level and absolute (“I am bad, period”)

In CBT terms, it’s a global self-rating error.
In trauma psychology, it often reflects internalized blame or attachment injury.
In psychodynamic language, it resembles a harsh superego or introjected critical object.

Developmental & Trauma Links

Chronic criticism or moral shaming in childhood
Conditional attachment (“you’re lovable only if…”)
Religious or ideological absolutism
Trauma where self-blame preserved a sense of control
Environments where mistakes threatened belonging or safety

Psychological Functions (Why It Persists)

Paradoxically, global self-condemnation can:

Create a false sense of control (“If I’m bad, at least it makes sense”)
Prevent hope (which would risk disappointment)
Maintain attachment to critical caregivers or belief systems
Serve as a protective identity against vulnerability

Clinical Markers

Language of essence rather than action
Difficulty accepting compassion
Collapse into shame after minor errors
Strong resistance to self-forgiveness
Identity fusion with past behavior or symptoms

Therapeutic Reframes

Effective work usually involves:

De-globalizing identity (separating self from actions)
Restoring moral complexity (good people can do harmful things)
Contextualizing origins (how the belief once protected the person)
Developing self-compassion without bypassing responsibility
Relational repair (being seen without condemnation)

A key shift is from moral absolutism to human fallibility.

Shervan K Shahhian

Does Shame Narrows Perception, why:

Shame narrows perception because it is a high-intensity social threat response that shifts the brain and nervous system from open, integrative processing into defensive survival mode.

Here’s how that happens, layer by layer:

1. Shame Activates the Social Threat System

Shame signals “I am unacceptable; I may be rejected or expelled from the group.”
Because social belonging is essential for survival, the brain treats shame like danger.

Neurobiologically (Consult a Neurologist):

The amygdala and threat circuits activate
Stress hormones (cortisol, norepinephrine) increase
The prefrontal cortex (perspective-taking, nuance, mental flexibility) goes partially offline

Result: the mind prioritizes self-protection, not exploration or complexity.

2. Attention Collapses Inward

Under shame, attention narrows toward:

The self as an object of judgment
Perceived flaws, mistakes, or exposures
Imagined evaluations by others

This produces:

Tunnel vision
Loss of contextual awareness
Reduced ability to mentalize others accurately

Instead of “What is happening?” the question becomes “What’s wrong with me?”

3. Temporal Constriction

Shame compresses time:

Past mistakes feel ever-present
The future feels foreclosed or catastrophic
The present feels frozen

This is why shame often feels inescapable and global rather than specific or momentary.

4. Meaning-Making Becomes Rigid

Shame pushes cognition toward:

Global self-condemnation (“I am bad,” not “I did something”)
Black-and-white thinking
Certainty without curiosity

This rigidity protects against further exposure but blocks learning, repair, and growth.

5. Nervous System Immobilization

From a polyvagal perspective:

Shame often activates dorsal vagal shutdown or a collapsed sympathetic state
Energy drops
Voice, posture, and gaze constrict
Sensory richness diminishes

Perception narrows because the body is preparing to hide, disappear, or endure.

6. Developmental Roots

Many people learned early that:

Visibility led to humiliation or punishment
Being seen meant danger

So the nervous system learned:
“Narrow awareness = safety.”

Shame becomes a perceptual strategy, not just an emotion.

In Short

Shame narrows perception because:

It is designed to prevent social exile
It shifts the brain into threat-based efficiency
It collapses attention, time, and meaning to minimize risk

It is not a failure of insight.
It is survival intelligence doing exactly what it evolved to do—at the cost of openness.

Clinically Useful Reframe

Shame doesn’t mean “something is wrong with you.”
It means “your system believes visibility is unsafe right now.”

Restoring perception requires safety, attunement, and relational repair, not insight alone.

Shervan K Shahhian

Reduced shame around Survival Behaviors, explained:

Reduced shame around survival behaviors refers to the process of recognizing, reframing, and emotionally releasing shame tied to coping strategies that once helped you survive threat, trauma, neglect, or chronic stress.

In trauma-informed psychology, this is considered a key marker of healing and integration.

What are “survival behaviors”?

Survival behaviors are adaptive responses, not character flaws. Common examples include:

Hypervigilance or control
Emotional numbing or dissociation
People-pleasing or fawning
Avoidance or withdrawal
Aggression or defensiveness
Perfectionism or over-functioning
Addictive or compulsive patterns
Fantasy, absorption, or retreat into inner worlds

These behaviors emerged because at one time they worked.

What does “reduced shame” mean in this context?

It does not mean approving of harmful behaviors. It means:

Understanding why the behavior developed
Separating identity from coping strategy
Replacing moral judgment with compassion
Holding accountability without self-attack

Shame says: “I am bad.”
Integration says: “This was a solution under pressure.”

Signs that shame is reducing

You may notice:

Less self-contempt when recalling past behavior
Curiosity replacing self-criticism
The ability to say, “That makes sense” instead of “What’s wrong with me?”
Greater choice: the behavior is no longer automatic
Increased nervous system regulation
A felt sense of dignity returning

Clinically, this reflects movement from trauma-based identity fusion toward self-coherence.

Why shame loosens as healing occurs

Shame is often:

An internalized survival strategy itself
A byproduct of relational trauma
Reinforced by moralistic or pathologizing frameworks

As safety increases, the nervous system no longer needs shame to enforce compliance or conceal vulnerability.

This is especially true in somatic, parts-based, and phenomenological approaches, where behaviors are contextualized rather than condemned.

Reframing formula (simple but powerful)

“This behavior arose to protect something vulnerable when no better option was available.”

This reframing does not erase responsibility, but it restores humanity.

Clinical note

In both trauma work and parapsychological phenomenology, reduced shame is essential for:

Clear discernment
Decreased projection
Less distortion of perception
Greater signal-to-noise clarity

Shame narrows perception. Integration widens it.

Shervan K Shahhian

Healing Approach for Trauma-Adapted Survival Strategy:

A Healing Approach to Trauma-Adapted Survival Strategies focuses on honoring what once protected the person while gently helping the nervous system, identity, and relational patterns reorganize toward safety, flexibility, and choice.

Below is a non-pathologizing framework that fits well with trauma-informed psychology and somatic work.

1. Reframe the Strategy as Intelligent Protection

Core principle: Nothing is “wrong” with the survivor.

Trauma-adapted strategies (hypervigilance, dissociation, control, people-pleasing, withdrawal, spiritual bypassing, etc.) were adaptive responses to threat.

Healing move

Shift language from symptom to strategy
Acknowledge:“This kept me alive when I had no other options.”

This reframing reduces shame and softens internal resistance to change.

2. Establish Nervous System Safety First

Trauma strategies persist because the autonomic nervous system still perceives danger.

Key approaches

Somatic grounding (breath, posture, orienting)
Polyvagal-informed regulation
Titrated exposure to sensation (not story)
Rhythm, repetition, and predictability

Goal

Move from chronic survival states (fight/flight/freeze/fawn) toward felt safety
Build capacity before processing meaning or memory

Regulation precedes insight.

3. Differentiate Past Threat from Present Reality

Trauma strategies are time-locked.

Healing task

Help the system recognize:
“That was then. This is now.”

Methods

Parts-based work (e.g., IFS-informed)
Somatic tracking of “younger” responses
Explicit orientation to present cues of safety
Gentle boundary experiments in real time

This restores temporal integration, reducing overgeneralized threat detection.

4. Update the Strategy Instead of Eliminating It

Trying to “get rid of” survival strategies often retraumatizes.

Instead

Negotiate with the strategy:
- What is it protecting?
- What does it fear would happen if it relaxed?
Offer new resources:
- Choice
- Support
- Boundaries
- Agency

Example

Hypervigilance → discernment
Dissociation → selective distancing
Control to intentional leadership
People-pleasing to attuned reciprocity

The strategy evolves rather than disappears.

5. Repair Attachment and Relational Safety

Many trauma adaptations are relational.

Healing requires

Consistent, non-exploitative connection
Rupture-and-repair experiences
Clear boundaries + emotional presence
Witnessing without fixing or invading

Relational safety teaches the nervous system that connection is not inherently dangerous.

6. Integrate Meaning Without Over-Narrating

Cognitive insight alone can become another survival strategy.

Balanced integration

Meaning emerges after regulation
Narrative is anchored in bodily truth
Avoid spiritual or intellectual bypass

Signs of integration

Less urgency to explain
More tolerance for ambiguity
Increased spontaneity and play
Reduced identity fusion with the trauma

7. Cultivate Choice and Flexibility

Healing is not the absence of survival responses.
It is the ability to choose.

Markers of healing

Pausing before reacting
Access to multiple responses
Self-compassion during activation
Faster recovery after stress
Reduced shame around survival behaviors

Core Healing Orientation (Summary)

“This protected me once.
I thank it.
I no longer need it to run my life.”

Trauma healing is not erasure.
It is integration, updating, and liberation of energy once bound to survival.

Shervan K Shahhian

Trauma-Adapted Survival Strategy, what is it:

A Trauma-Adapted Survival Strategy is a pattern of thinking, feeling, and behaving that develops in response to overwhelming or chronic threat, especially when escape, protection, or support were unavailable. These strategies are adaptive at the time of trauma, but can become maladaptive later when they persist outside the original danger context.

In short:
They are survival intelligence, not pathology.

Core Definition

A Trauma-Adapted Survival Strategy is:
An automatic nervous-system–driven response
Shaped by early, repeated, or inescapable stress
Designed to preserve safety, attachment, or control
Maintained long after the original threat has passed

They are learned bottom-up (body → brain), not chosen consciously.

Why These Strategies Form

Trauma overwhelms:
Fight
Flight
Freeze
Attach
Meaning-making

When these systems fail or are punished, the nervous system creates compensatory strategies to survive.
Examples:
If expressing emotion led to harm emotional suppression
If abandonment was likely hyper-vigilance to others’ moods
If resistance was dangerous compliance or dissociation

Common Trauma-Adapted Survival Strategies

Hypervigilance

Constant scanning for danger, tone shifts, micro-threats
Originally: to anticipate harm
Later: anxiety, exhaustion, relational tension

People-Pleasing / Fawning

Appeasing others to prevent conflict or abandonment
Originally: ensured attachment safety
Later: loss of boundaries, resentment, identity confusion

Emotional Numbing / Dissociation

Reducing awareness of pain or emotion
Originally: prevented overwhelm
Later: disconnection, emptiness, memory gaps

Control and Perfectionism

Rigid order to prevent chaos
Originally: created predictability
Later: burnout, rigidity, shame

Avoidance / Withdrawal

Staying away from triggers, intimacy, risk
Originally: reduced danger exposure
Later: isolation, missed opportunities

Aggression or Dominance

Preemptive power to avoid vulnerability
Originally: deterrence
Later: relational rupture, shame cycles

Intellectualization or Spiritualization

Staying in cognition or meaning to avoid affect
Originally: preserved coherence
Later: emotional bypassing

Key Characteristics

Trauma-adapted strategies are:
Automatic (not deliberate)
State-dependent
Context-blind (activated even when danger is absent)
Self-protective
Deeply embodied

They are not character flaws.

Trauma Strategy vs Healthy Adaptation

Trauma-Adapted Healthy Strategy Rigid Flexible Fear-driven Choice-driven Context-blind Context-sensitive Body-overrides mind Mind and body cooperate Survival-focused Growth-oriented

Clinical Insight (Important)

Trauma-adapted strategies:
Often look like personality traits
Are frequently misdiagnosed as disorders
Must be respected before they can soften
Cannot be changed through insight alone

The nervous system must learn:
“I am safe now.”

Healing Approach

Effective work involves:
Somatic regulation
Tracking triggers and states
Building present-moment safety
Replacing strategies, not removing them
Honoring the intelligence of the adaptation

You don’t “get rid” of a survival strategy
You update it.

Reframe
“This isn’t who I am.
This is what kept me alive.”
Shervan K Shahhian

Trauma-Informed Premarital Framework, explained:

A Trauma-Informed Premarital Framework adapts traditional premarital counseling to explicitly account for attachment injury, developmental trauma, relational trauma, and dissociation, rather than assuming two mostly secure, self-regulating partners. Below is a clinically rigorous, integrative framework you can use for assessment, psychoeducation, and intervention.

Core Assumptions (Trauma-Informed Shift)
Traditional premarital models assume:

Conflict = skills deficit

Intimacy avoidance = immaturity

Reactivity = poor communication

A trauma-informed model assumes:

Conflict often = threat activation

Avoidance = nervous system protection

Reactivity = implicit memory discharge

This reframes “compatibility” as capacity for co-regulation and repair, not just shared values.

Framework Overview (6 Domains)
1. Attachment & Developmental History Mapping
Goal: Identify implicit relational templates before commitment.

Assess:

Childhood attachment style (earned vs insecure)

Caregiver unpredictability, role reversal, emotional neglect

Prior relational trauma (betrayal, abandonment, coercion)

Key questions:

What does closeness activate for you — relief or vigilance?

What does conflict predict in your body — repair or rupture?

Red flags:

Idealization without differentiation

“I don’t need anyone” narratives

Trauma bonding misread as chemistry

2. Nervous System Profiles & Trigger Cycles
Goal: Make implicit threat responses explicit.

Map:

Fight / flight / freeze / fawn patterns

Somatic cues preceding conflict

Typical escalation loops (e.g., pursuer–withdrawer)

Intervention:

Create a shared trigger map

Name states as states, not identities

Reframe:

“You’re not incompatible — you’re dysregulated together.”

3. Conflict Meaning & Repair Capacity
Goal: Assess rupture tolerance, not conflict avoidance.

Evaluate:

Ability to stay present under emotional load

Repair attempts after rupture

Time-to-repair duration

Trauma marker:

Conflict = existential threat (“This means we’re doomed”)

Stonewalling, dissociation, or catastrophic meaning-making

Practice:

Structured rupture–repair rehearsals

Post-conflict debriefs focused on state shifts, not blame

4. Boundaries, Autonomy & Enmeshment Risk
Goal: Prevent reenactment of control or fusion dynamics.

Assess:

Differentiation under stress

Guilt around saying no

Rescue / caretaker roles

Watch for:

“We do everything together”

One partner regulating the other’s emotions

Identity loss framed as devotion

Trauma-informed boundary reframe:

Boundaries are nervous system stabilizers, not walls.

5. Intimacy, Sexuality & Trauma Imprints
Goal: De-shame trauma-coded intimacy patterns.

Explore:

Desire discrepancies

Sexual shutdown or compulsivity

Trauma-linked arousal vs secure desire

Normalize:

Arousal ≠ consent ≠ safety

Love can feel boring when trauma equates intensity with connection

Interventions:

Sensate-focus style exercises with opt-out normalization

Explicit consent language practice

6. Meaning-Making, Values & Narrative Integration
Goal: Align future orientation without bypassing trauma.

Assess:

How each partner explains suffering

Spiritual or existential beliefs about love, sacrifice, permanence

Red flag:

“Marriage will heal me”

Redemption-through-relationship narratives

Reframe:

Marriage amplifies existing regulation patterns — it doesn’t replace them.

Readiness Indicators (Trauma-Informed)
A couple is premaritally ready when:

Both can name their own triggers without defensiveness

Repair happens without coercion or withdrawal

Each partner can self-regulate for short periods

Trauma is owned, not outsourced to the relationship

Contraindications for Marriage (at Present)
Not moral judgments — timing signals:

Active untreated PTSD with relational flashbacks

Ongoing addiction or compulsive dissociation

Recurrent emotional or psychological abuse

One partner acting as therapist, parent, or regulator

Integration With Existing Models
This framework can overlay:

Gottman → add nervous system literacy

EFT → add trauma-paced titration

IMAGO → reduce reenactment romanticization

Internal Family Systems → dyadic parts mapping

Clinical Stance
Slow the process

Normalize ambivalence

Privilege felt safety over insight

Treat “love” as a capacity, not just an emotion

Shervan K Shahhian