There could be a powerful psychological reason for this: people may often carry an outdated mental representation of us.
Someone who knew you when you were young may unconsciously continue to see you through the identity you had at that time, or the identity they think you in the past, even when decades have passed and even when decades have of growth have changed you.
Why this happens
1. Their memory freezes a version of you.
When people know us during our formative years, their memories become organized around that period. We may be 50, 60, or 70 today, but to them, we may still feel like the teenager, the young adult, the shy person, the rebellious person, the joker or the person who was not serious back then.
2. They confuse familiarity with knowing.
Knowing someone form a long time ago, doesn’t necessarily mean knowing who they have become. They may know your past better than your present.
3. They have an established a false “schema” for you.
In mental health, a schema may be a mental framework through which we interpret information. Once someone has formed a strong schema, “That’s just who they are”, they tend to notice information that confirms it and overlook evidence that contradicts it.
4. Your growth may be uncomfortable for them.
If you have changed substantially, your development may challenge their own narrative about you. Accepting that you’ve become more confident, knowledgeable, independent, emotionally mature, or accomplished may require them to revise their understanding of the past.
5. They remember your role in the old relationship, years ago.
This is especially important. People don’t only remember you; they remember who they were in relation to you. If you were the younger sibling, playful friend, joker, classmate, or just a quite person, they may unconsciously continue interacting with that version of you.
6. They may not have witnessed your transformation.
Personal development is usually gradual and happens privately. You experienced thousands of small changes, new experiences, failures, insights, relationships, education, losses, accomplishments, and choices. Someone who hasn’t been present for those changes doesn’t have the same evidence you have.
The interesting part
Sometimes strangers may see us more accurately than people who knew us decades ago.
A new person encounters who you are now. They don’t have to reconcile your present identity with an old mental picture.
An old acquaintance may unconsciously think:
“I know who you are.”
A newer person may be more open to:
“Let me discover who you are.”
And that distinction may be profound.
You don’t necessarily need their recognition
One of the psychologically liberating realizations of adulthood is:
You are not obligated to remain psychologically consistent with the person someone remembers from a long time ago.
You may say, internally:
“You knew me then. You don’t necessarily know me now.”
Their memory of your past “may” explain your past?, but it will not define your present.
And sometimes the people who knew us in our youth are actually Refusing To See Our Growth, or they simply don’t have enough current information to update their mental picture of us, or Their jealousy and competitiveness prevent them from seeing how much we have grown.
Shervan K Shahhian
LIBERTY PSYCHOLOGICAL ASSOCIATION 