life – LIBERTY PSYCHOLOGICAL ASSOCIATION

The Illogical Mind; the Reasoning Contains a Flaw:

The Illogical Mind could be a way of describing thinking that reaches conclusions that may not follow reliably from the available evidence or reasoning. It may not mean a person is unintelligent. Some may think illogically under stress, fear, strong emotion, social pressure, or uncertainty.

Common forms of illogical thinking

Pattern	What happens	Example
Emotional reasoning	Feelings are treated as facts	“I feel unsafe, therefore I am unsafe.”
Confirmation bias	Evidence supporting a belief is noticed more than contradictory evidence	“I knew this would happen; look at this one example.”
Black and white thinking	Complex situations become two extremes	“Either I’m successful or I’m a failure.”
Catastrophizing	A possible negative outcome becomes an assumed disaster	“If I make this mistake, everything will be ruined.”
Overgeneralization	One event becomes a broad rule	“They rejected me, so nobody likes me.”
Mind reading	Another person’s thoughts are assumed without evidence	“She didn’t say hello because she dislikes me.”
Post hoc reasoning	Sequence is mistaken for causation	“I thought about the storm, and then it happened, so my thought caused it.”
Magical thinking	Thoughts, rituals, or symbols are treated as directly influencing external events without adequate evidence	“If I don’t perform this ritual, something bad will happen.”
Appeal to authority	A claim is accepted primarily because an authority says it	“It must be true because an expert said it.”
Self-deception	Information threatening one’s preferred belief is avoided or distorted	“I don’t have a problem; everyone else is overreacting.”

Illogical may not necessarily mean irrational

There could be an important distinction:

Illogical thinking: the reasoning contains a flaw.

Irrational thinking: the belief or behavior is poorly supported by evidence, disproportionately driven by emotion, or inconsistent with the person’s goals.

A person may have an understandable reason for an irrational conclusion. For example:

“I’ve been betrayed several times, so I assume everyone will eventually betray me.”

The conclusion may be understandable given the person’s history, but the evidence doesn’t necessarily justify applying it to everyone.

The logical mind vs. the illogical mind

A useful conceptual distinction is:

Logical mind:

“What evidence supports this? What evidence contradicts it? Are there alternative explanations?”

Illogical mind:

“It feels true, therefore it must be true.”

The goal may not be to eliminate emotion. A psychologically healthy person may use emotion as information while using reason and evidence to evaluate what the emotion means.

A powerful question

When you notice an intense belief, ask:

“What do I know, what do I believe, what do I feel, and what am I assuming?”

That separates reality, interpretation, emotion, and inference, one of the foundations of good critical thinking.

Shervan K Shahhian

Grief can be a form of suffering, but grief itself is not usually a choice:

Grief and Suffering

Grief: is the emotional, cognitive, physical, relational, and sometimes spiritual response to a significant loss. It may include sadness, longing, anger, guilt, numbness, confusion, loneliness, or a sense that life has changed fundamentally.

Suffering: is the distress associated with that experience. Grief may therefore involve suffering, but the two may not be identical.

For example:

Loss…grief…pain/distress…adaptation and meaning making

Is grief a choice?

The initial experience of grief may generally not be voluntary. You may not simply choose to miss someone, feel sadness, or experience the shock of a loss.

However, there may be choices within the grieving process:

whether to seek support or isolate
whether to acknowledge or avoid painful emotions
how to remember and honor the person
how to care for yourself while grieving
whether to gradually reconnect with life
what meaning, if any, you eventually make from the loss
how you incorporate the loss into your continuing life

This distinction is important:

You may not choose the pain of grief, but you may have some choice in how you respond to the pain.

That may not mean someone should be told to “choose happiness” or “choose to stop suffering.” Such statements can become invalidating, particularly during acute bereavement.

A useful psychological distinction

Pain is often unavoidable; suffering may sometimes be influenced.

This may be related to the idea of secondary suffering:

The additional distress that may arise from fighting, judging, catastrophizing, or becoming trapped in thoughts about the original pain.

For example:

“I miss her terribly. “Primary grief/pain.

versus:

“I shouldn’t still feel this way. Something is wrong with me. I’ll never be okay again.

“Additional psychological suffering.”

The second layer may be more amenable to psychological intervention.

And importantly, healthy grieving may not necessarily mean eliminating grief. Sometimes adaptation means learning to carry the loss while gradually rebuilding a meaningful life.

In one sentence:

Grief may not be a choice; how a person eventually relates to, processes, and lives with their grief could involve choices and psychological capacities that may develop over time.

Shervan K Shahhian

Releasing the Past: so that the past no longer has to control your present:

“Releasing the Past” may not mean forgetting it, denying it, or pretending that it did not matter. It may mean changing your relationship with what happened so that the past no longer has to control your present.

Psychologically, it may involve:

Accepting reality: “This happened, and I cannot change the event itself.”
Processing the emotions: allowing grief, anger, guilt, hurt, or disappointment to be acknowledged rather than continually suppressed.
Learning from the experience: asking, “What can this teach me?” rather than repeatedly asking, “Why did this happen?”
Letting go of rumination: recognizing when reflection has become repetitive mental replay without producing new understanding.
Separating memory from the present: “That happened then; I am here now.”
Reclaiming agency: focusing attention on what you can influence today.
Making room for the future: allowing new experiences rather than requiring the future to compensate for the past.

This may be closely related to acceptance and psychological flexibility. In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), acceptance may not be resignation or approval; it may involve reducing the unnecessary struggle with internal experiences so that a person may engage more fully with the present and with personally meaningful actions.

An important distinction

Releasing vs forgetting

Releasing vs forgiving someone

Releasing vs approving what happened

Releasing: “I will remember what happened, learn what I can from it, and stop allowing it to consume my present.”

A useful phrase may be:

“Honor the past, learn from the past, but don’t live in the past.”

Mindfulness approaches similarly emphasize returning attention to the present rather than becoming consumed by memories, regrets, or future worries.

And sometimes the healthiest goal isn’t “I need to get over it.” It is:

“I want the memory to become part of my history rather than the center of my identity.”

Shervan K Shahhian

Present Focused living means deliberately directing your attention toward what is happening now:

Present focused living means deliberately directing your attention toward what is happening now, rather than becoming excessively absorbed in the past or preoccupied with an imagined future.

It may not mean ignoring the past or refusing to plan for the future. It may mean using the past for learning and the future for planning, while recognizing that your actual ability to act exists in the present moment.

A simple way to understand it

The past is for learning. The future is for planning. The present is for living and acting.

Three time perspectives

Time	Healthy use	Unhelpful pattern
Past	Reflection, learning, processing	Rumination, regret, resentment
Future	Planning, preparation, realistic anticipation	Catastrophizing, excessive worry
Present	Action, awareness, engagement	Avoidance or impulsive distraction

What present focused living looks like

Instead of:

“Why did I let that happen years ago?”

Ask:

“What can I learn from what happened, and what can I do today?”

Instead of:

“What if something terrible happens tomorrow?”

Ask:

“Is there something reasonable I can prepare for today?”

And when there isn’t an immediate action to take:

“Can I allow myself to experience this moment without solving everything?”

The psychological principle

Present focused living is closely related to mindfulness, but it may be broader than mindfulness meditation.

It may involve:

Attention: noticing what is happening now.
Acceptance: allowing the present to be what it is without immediately fighting it.
Metacognition: recognizing when your mind has moved into rumination or worry.
Behavioral choice: deciding what action is useful now.
Emotional regulation: experiencing emotions without automatically reacting to them.
Reality orientation: distinguishing what is actually happening from what you fear, remember, or imagine.

The “rear view mirror” analogy

The rear view mirror is small because you need to know where you’ve been but the windshield is much larger because you need to see where you’re going.

The past remains important. You occasionally need to look backward. But driving while staring continuously into the rear view mirror is dangerous.

Likewise, excessive attention to the past may become rumination, while excessive attention to the future could become chronic worry.

Present focused living brings your attention back to:

“What is happening, and what may I meaningfully do about it, right now?”

A practical 30 second exercise

Pause and ask:

What is happening right now?
What am I feeling right now?
What am I thinking about?
Am I in the past, future, or present?
Is there something I can actually do about this right now?
If yes…take the next reasonable action.
If no…return attention to the present.

The goal may not be to live only in the present. It is to avoid allowing yesterday’s pain or tomorrow’s uncertainty to consume today’s life.

Shervan K Shahhian

People who knew us in our youth may never see us for who we are today, but Why?

There could be a powerful psychological reason for this: people may often carry an outdated mental representation of us.

Someone who knew you when you were young may unconsciously continue to see you through the identity you had at that time, or the identity they think you in the past, even when decades have passed and even when decades have of growth have changed you.

Why this happens

1. Their memory freezes a version of you.

When people know us during our formative years, their memories become organized around that period. We may be 50, 60, or 70 today, but to them, we may still feel like the teenager, the young adult, the shy person, the rebellious person, the joker or the person who was not serious back then.

2. They confuse familiarity with knowing.

Knowing someone form a long time ago, doesn’t necessarily mean knowing who they have become. They may know your past better than your present.

3. They have an established a false “schema” for you.

In mental health, a schema may be a mental framework through which we interpret information. Once someone has formed a strong schema, “That’s just who they are”, they tend to notice information that confirms it and overlook evidence that contradicts it.

4. Your growth may be uncomfortable for them.

If you have changed substantially, your development may challenge their own narrative about you. Accepting that you’ve become more confident, knowledgeable, independent, emotionally mature, or accomplished may require them to revise their understanding of the past.

5. They remember your role in the old relationship, years ago.

This is especially important. People don’t only remember you; they remember who they were in relation to you. If you were the younger sibling, playful friend, joker, classmate, or just a quite person, they may unconsciously continue interacting with that version of you.

6. They may not have witnessed your transformation.

Personal development is usually gradual and happens privately. You experienced thousands of small changes, new experiences, failures, insights, relationships, education, losses, accomplishments, and choices. Someone who hasn’t been present for those changes doesn’t have the same evidence you have.

The interesting part

Sometimes strangers may see us more accurately than people who knew us decades ago.

A new person encounters who you are now. They don’t have to reconcile your present identity with an old mental picture.

An old acquaintance may unconsciously think:

“I know who you are.”

A newer person may be more open to:

“Let me discover who you are.”

And that distinction may be profound.

You don’t necessarily need their recognition

One of the psychologically liberating realizations of adulthood is:

You are not obligated to remain psychologically consistent with the person someone remembers from a long time ago.

You may say, internally:

“You knew me then. You don’t necessarily know me now.”

Their memory of your past “may” explain your past?, but it will not define your present.

And sometimes the people who knew us in our youth are actually Refusing To See Our Growth, or they simply don’t have enough current information to update their mental picture of us, or Their jealousy and competitiveness prevent them from seeing how much we have grown.

Shervan K Shahhian

Internalized Ageism could be when a person absorbs negative stereotypes:

Internalized Ageism could be when a person absorbs negative stereotypes, assumptions, or prejudices about aging and older people and then applies those beliefs to themselves.

In simple terms: society’s negative messages about aging become part of your own self-image.

Common examples

A person may think:

“I’m too old to learn something new.”
“People won’t value me because I’m older.”
“I shouldn’t try to change my appearance anymore.”
“My best years are behind me.”
“I’m becoming useless.”
“Older people aren’t attractive.”
“I shouldn’t need help, I should be able to keep up with younger people.”
“It’s normal for me to be ignored or treated as less important because of my age.”

How it can develop

Internalized ageism may be developed through repeated exposure to:

Media portraying youth as more desirable or valuable
Workplace discrimination
Family or social attitudes toward aging
Cultural emphasis on youth and physical appearance
Repeated jokes or derogatory comments about older people
Experiences of being dismissed or stereotyped because of age

Over time, these external messages may become internal beliefs and self-judgments.

Psychological effects

Internalized ageism may contribute to:

Lower self-esteem and self-worth
Shame about getting older
Anxiety about aging
Body dissatisfaction
Social withdrawal
Reduced confidence and self-efficacy
Feeling less competent or relevant
Avoiding activities because of assumptions about what is “appropriate” for one’s age
Greater vulnerability to depressive thinking

One particularly important mechanism is self-fulfilling prophecy:

if someone believes aging necessarily means cognitive or physical decline, they may stop challenging themselves, become less active, or withdraw socially, potentially reinforcing the very decline they fear.

Internalized ageism vs. ordinary awareness of aging

Being aware that aging may involve genuine physical or cognitive changes isn’t automatically ageism.

The distinction is whether someone turns a realistic limitation into a global negative judgment about their worth or potential.

“I may need more time to learn this than I used to.”, Realistic self-awareness.

“I’m too old to learn this.”, Potential internalized ageism.

A healthier alternative

The goal may not be to deny aging. It’s to develop age affirming beliefs:

“I am aging, but aging does not determine my worth, intelligence, usefulness, attractiveness, or capacity for growth.”

This may connect closely with self-compassion, self-efficacy, age acceptance, and healthy identity development across the lifespan.

Shervan K Shahhian

The personal fulfillment of helping others is the sense of meaning, satisfaction,…

“For me and for some others, that sense of meaningful contribution is one of the deepest sources of personal fulfillment.”

The Personal Fulfillment of Helping Others

The personal fulfillment of helping others is the sense of meaning, satisfaction, and emotional reward a person experiences when they contribute to another person’s well-being.

It could be connected to the human need for purpose, connection, compassion, and meaningful contribution.

Why helping others may feel fulfilling

A sense of purpose

Helping someone may create the feeling that your time, knowledge, and efforts have genuine meaning.

“I made a positive difference in someone’s life, Wow.”

Meaningful connection

Acts of kindness may strengthen our connection with other people and reduce feelings of isolation or disconnection.

Compassion and empathy

When we understand another person’s suffering, helping them may provide a powerful sense of emotional meaning.

Personal growth

Helping others may develop patience, wisdom, empathy, resilience, and a deeper understanding of life.

A sense of contribution

Many people find fulfillment in knowing they are contributing to something larger than themselves, whether through family, community, work, volunteering, therapy, mentorship, or simple acts of kindness.

The psychological concept of a “helper’s high”

Helping others may sometimes produce positive emotional experiences such as joy, gratitude, satisfaction, and a sense of purpose. This is sometimes informally called a “helper’s high.” Positive social behavior may also strengthen a person’s sense of connection and well-being.

An important distinction

Healthy fulfillment comes from choosing to help, not from feeling that you must save everyone.

A healthy mindset might be:

“I want to help whenever I can, while also understanding my own boundaries and limitations.”

An unhealthy pattern may involve:

“My value depends on constantly rescuing other people.”

This may lead to compassion fatigue, burnout, emotional exhaustion, or codependent patterns.

In essence

The fulfillment of helping others may come from the profound human experience of realizing:

“My existence and my actions have made someone else’s life a little better.”

“For me and for some others, that sense of meaningful contribution is one of the deepest sources of personal fulfillment.”

Shervan K Shahhian

Emotional Blackmail is a form of psychological manipulation:

Emotional Blackmail is a form of psychological manipulation in which someone uses fear, obligation, guilt, shame, or affection to pressure another person into doing what they want. The goal is to control another person’s behavior by exploiting the relationship rather than communicating openly and respectfully.

How Emotional Blackmail Works

It often follows a predictable pattern:

A demand

The person wants you to do something.

Example: “You need to cancel your plans and stay with me.”

Resistance

You politely decline or express your own needs.

Pressure

They increase the emotional pressure.

They may criticize, guilt trip, threaten, or play the victim.

Compliance

You give in to stop the conflict or avoid feeling guilty.

Repetition

They learn that this strategy works and continue using it.

Common Tactics

1. Guilt Tripping

Making you feel responsible for their emotions.

Examples:

“After everything I’ve done for you…”

“You’re so selfish.”

“A good son/daughter would help.”

2. Fear

Creating fear of consequences.

Examples:

“If you leave me, I’ll never recover.”

“You’ll regret this.”

“Don’t expect me to be there for you.”

3. Obligation

Making you feel indebted.

Examples:

“You owe me.”

“I sacrificed everything for you.”

4. Shame

Attacking your character.

Examples:

“You’re a terrible friend.”

“Only bad people would say no.”

5. Silent Treatment

Using withdrawal of affection or communication as punishment.

Examples:

Ignoring texts.

Refusing to speak for days.

6. Playing the Victim

Presenting themselves as helpless to make you feel guilty.

Examples:

“Nobody cares about me.”

“Everyone abandons me.”

7. Conditional Love

Making affection dependent on obedience.

Examples:

“If you loved me, you would…”

“I thought you cared about me.”

The FOG Model

F – Fear

Fear of conflict, rejection, abandonment, or punishment.

O – Obligation

Feeling you “should” do what they ask.

G – Guilt

Feeling like a bad person for saying no.

When you’re in FOG, it becomes difficult to make decisions based on your own values and needs.

Why People Use Emotional Blackmail

Not everyone who uses these tactics is intentionally malicious. Some people learned these behaviors growing up or use them because they struggle to communicate their needs effectively. Others may use them deliberately to gain control.

Possible reasons include:

Poor emotional regulation
Fear of abandonment
Insecure attachment
Learned family patterns
Desire for control
Certain personality traits or disorders (though emotional blackmail is not specific to any one diagnosis)

Signs You May Be Experiencing Emotional Blackmail

You might notice that:

You constantly feel guilty for saying no.
You feel responsible for someone else’s happiness.
You walk on eggshells.
You often give in just to keep the peace.
Your boundaries are repeatedly ignored.
You feel anxious before expressing your own needs.

Signs You May Be Experiencing Emotional Blackmail

You might notice that:

You constantly feel guilty for saying no.

You feel responsible for someone else’s happiness.

You walk on eggshells.

You often give in just to keep the peace.

Your boundaries are repeatedly ignored.

You feel anxious before expressing your own needs.

Healthy Ways to Respond

Stay calm and avoid reacting impulsively.

Acknowledge their feelings without accepting unfair responsibility.

“I understand you’re upset.”

Repeat your boundary clearly.

“I can’t do that.”

Avoid lengthy justifications, which may invite further pressure.

Recognize guilt as a feeling, not proof that you’ve done something wrong.

If the pattern is ongoing, consider limiting contact or seeking support from trusted friends or a mental health professional.

Example

Emotional Blackmail

Person A: “I can’t lend you money this month.”

Person B: “I guess you don’t care if I end up homeless. After everything I’ve done for you.”

The second response attempts to create guilt rather than discuss the situation constructively.

Healthy Alternative

Person A: “I can’t lend you money this month.”

Person B: “I’m disappointed, but I understand. I’ll look for other options.”

This response expresses emotion while respecting the other person’s decision.

Key Point

Emotional blackmail differs from healthy emotional expression. It’s normal for people to express sadness, disappointment, or frustration. It becomes emotional blackmail when those emotions are used as tools of pressure or control, rather than shared honestly in a way that respects the other person’s autonomy and boundaries.

Shervan K Shahhian

“Ghosting” usually means suddenly cutting off communication:

“Ghosting” usually means suddenly cutting off communication with someone, no replies, no explanation, disappearing from texts/calls/social media. It may be used in dating, but it can also happen in friendships, work, or family situations.

Examples:

Someone you’ve been talking to daily suddenly stops responding.
A recruiter vanishes after interviews.
A friend goes silent without explanation.

People ghost for different reasons:

Avoiding confrontation or uncomfortable conversations
Losing interest
Feeling overwhelmed
Emotional immaturity
Anxiety or personal issues

Being ghosted may feel confusing because there’s no closure. Usually, the healthiest approach is to avoid chasing indefinitely, assume the silence is an answer, and move forward.

A possible explanation:

why people ghost psychologically,
how to respond to being ghosted,
signs someone is about to ghost,
or the difference between ghosting and just needing space.

why people ghost psychologically?

People ghost for a variety of psychological reasons, and the behavior is often more about the ghoster’s coping style than the worth of the person being ghosted.

Common psychological factors include:

Conflict Avoidance

Some people experience strong discomfort around disappointing others, rejecting someone, or having emotionally difficult conversations. Instead of saying “I’m no longer interested,” they disappear to avoid guilt, anxiety, or confrontation.

Emotional Immaturity

A person may lack the communication skills or emotional development needed to handle endings directly. Ghosting may reflect difficulty tolerating:

awkwardness,
accountability,
emotional responsibility,
or another person’s reaction.

Avoidant Attachment

In attachment psychology, people with an avoidant attachment style may pull away when relationships become emotionally close or demanding. Intimacy may trigger discomfort, leading them to withdraw suddenly rather than discuss their feelings.

Overwhelm or Stress

Not all ghosting is malicious. Some people disappear because they are overwhelmed by:

depression,
anxiety,
burnout,
life crises,
or social exhaustion.

In these cases, avoidance becomes a coping mechanism. However, the silence can still hurt others.

Fear of Vulnerability

Direct honesty requires vulnerability. Saying:

“I changed my mind,”
“I’m not ready,”
or “I don’t feel the same”
may feel emotionally risky. Ghosting avoids exposure and emotional discomfort.

Dehumanization Through Digital Communication

Modern texting and app culture may make relationships feel more disposable. When interactions happen mostly online, some people psychologically distance themselves from the emotional impact of disappearing.

Passive Control or Power Dynamics

Sometimes ghosting is used unconsciously, or consciously, as a way to regain control, create ambiguity, or avoid feeling emotionally vulnerable. The uncertainty may leave the other person emotionally preoccupied.

Shame or Guilt

A person who feels ashamed about their behavior, inconsistency, cheating, or inability to commit may avoid communication because facing the other person intensifies those feelings.

**What Ghosting Usually Does Not Mean**

People may often personalize ghosting as proof that they are unworthy or fundamentally flawed. Psychologically, ghosting more commonly reflects:

the other person’s coping mechanisms,
emotional limitations,
communication style,
or avoidance patterns.

Important Distinction

Ghosting differs from:

setting a healthy boundary,
needing temporary solitude,
or ending contact after abuse or danger.

In unhealthy or unsafe situations, disengagement without explanation maybe protective rather than avoidant.

Shervan K Shahhian

“Radical Honesty” is a communication approach built around telling the truth as directly and completely as possible:

“Radical honesty” is a communication approach built around telling the truth as directly and completely as possible, especially about your own thoughts, feelings, and intentions, instead of filtering, softening, or avoiding discomfort.

At its core, it’s a reaction against the everyday habits most people rely on:

White lies, politeness scripts, emotional suppression, and strategic silence. The idea is that those habits create stress, distance, and confusion over time.

What it actually means in practice

Radical honesty isn’t just “saying whatever comes to mind.” Done well, it involves:

Owning your internal state
Instead of: “I’m fine.”
You say: “I’m actually feeling irritated and a bit hurt.”
Dropping social masks
You don’t pretend to agree, like something, or be okay when you’re not.
Admitting uncomfortable truths about yourself
Jealousy, insecurity, attraction, resentment, things people usually hide.
Speaking in real time
You address things as they arise instead of letting them build into resentment.

The upside

People who practice it seriously might often report:

Less internal tension (no energy spent “managing impressions”)
Clearer relationships (others know where they stand)
Faster conflict resolution (issues surface early)
A stronger sense of authenticity

The downside (and why it’s controversial)

Radical honesty may easily go wrong:

It can be hurtful if used without empathy
Brutal honesty or helpful honesty.
It can become self-centered
Dumping every thought or feeling on others isn’t always appropriate.
It ignores social context
Not every situation benefits from full transparency (workplaces, safety, power dynamics).
It can damage relationships
Especially if the other person hasn’t consented to that level of openness.

The difference between radical honesty and just “being blunt”

A useful distinction:

Bluntness: “That idea is terrible.”
Radical honesty: “I’m noticing I’m having a strong negative reaction to that idea, and I think it’s because I’m worried it won’t work.”

One is an attack. The other is self-revealing.

A more grounded way to use it

If you’re interested in the idea, a balanced version works better than going all in:

Be honest about your own experience, not judgments about others
Pair honesty with responsibility and empathy
Choose timing and context deliberately
Ask: “Is this true, necessary, and constructive?”

Radical honesty isn’t about removing all filters, it’s about replacing unconscious, fear based filtering with conscious, intentional communication.

Shervan K Shahhian