Tag Archives: love

People who knew us in our youth may never see us for who we are today, but Why?

There could be a powerful psychological reason for this: people may often carry an outdated mental representation of us.

Someone who knew you when you were young may unconsciously continue to see you through the identity you had at that time, or the identity they think you in the past, even when decades have passed and even when decades have of growth have changed you.

Why this happens

1. Their memory freezes a version of you.

When people know us during our formative years, their memories become organized around that period. We may be 50, 60, or 70 today, but to them, we may still feel like the teenager, the young adult, the shy person, the rebellious person, the joker or the person who was not serious back then.

2. They confuse familiarity with knowing.

Knowing someone form a long time ago, doesn’t necessarily mean knowing who they have become. They may know your past better than your present.

3. They have an established a false “schema” for you.

In mental health, a schema may be a mental framework through which we interpret information. Once someone has formed a strong schema, “That’s just who they are”, they tend to notice information that confirms it and overlook evidence that contradicts it.

4. Your growth may be uncomfortable for them.

If you have changed substantially, your development may challenge their own narrative about you. Accepting that you’ve become more confident, knowledgeable, independent, emotionally mature, or accomplished may require them to revise their understanding of the past.

5. They remember your role in the old relationship, years ago.

This is especially important. People don’t only remember you; they remember who they were in relation to you. If you were the younger sibling, playful friend, joker, classmate, or just a quite person, they may unconsciously continue interacting with that version of you.

6. They may not have witnessed your transformation.

Personal development is usually gradual and happens privately. You experienced thousands of small changes, new experiences, failures, insights, relationships, education, losses, accomplishments, and choices. Someone who hasn’t been present for those changes doesn’t have the same evidence you have.

The interesting part

Sometimes strangers may see us more accurately than people who knew us decades ago.

A new person encounters who you are now. They don’t have to reconcile your present identity with an old mental picture.

An old acquaintance may unconsciously think:

“I know who you are.”

A newer person may be more open to:

“Let me discover who you are.”

And that distinction may be profound.

You don’t necessarily need their recognition

One of the psychologically liberating realizations of adulthood is:

You are not obligated to remain psychologically consistent with the person someone remembers from a long time ago.

You may say, internally:

“You knew me then. You don’t necessarily know me now.”

Their memory of your past “may” explain your past?, but it will not define your present.

And sometimes the people who knew us in our youth are actually Refusing To See Our Growth, or they simply don’t have enough current information to update their mental picture of us, or Their jealousy and competitiveness prevent them from seeing how much we have grown.

Shervan K Shahhian

Age Affirming Beliefs (AAB) are healthy ways of thinking that challenge ageism:

Age Affirming Beliefs could be healthy ways of thinking that challenge ageism, self-stereotyping, and the idea that getting older automatically means becoming less capable, valuable, attractive, or relevant.

Great Age Affirming Beliefs

  1. My age is part of my story, not a limitation on my future.
  2. Getting older does not diminish my worth.
  3. I may continue to learn, grow, and change throughout my life.
  4. My experience is an asset, not a burden.
  5. I don’t have to compete with younger people to have value.
  6. There is no expiration date on curiosity, creativity, or personal growth.
  7. I am allowed to discover new interests at any age.
  8. My wisdom may coexist with openness to new ideas.
  9. I may be both experienced and still learning.
  10. My life may not have to look like anyone else’s timeline.
  11. I don’t need to apologize for my age.
  12. Growing older may not be the same thing as becoming irrelevant.
  13. I may redefine what aging means to me.
  14. My appearance may not determine my worth at any age.
  15. I deserve respect regardless of my age.
  16. I may remain socially connected, engaged, and purposeful as I age.
  17. It may never be too late to begin something meaningful.
  18. I may adapt to change without losing who I am.
  19. My past experiences may inform my future without controlling it.
  20. I may appreciate what my younger self accomplished without wishing to become that person again.
  21. I may not have to hide my age to be valued.
  22. Age may bring perspective, depth, resilience, and self-knowledge.
  23. I may take care of my changing needs without seeing those changes as personal failure.
  24. I am more than my age, my appearance, my productivity, or my abilities.
  25. Every stage of life has its own possibilities.
  26. I WILL ALWAYS TAKE CARE OF MY HEALTH, REGARDLESS OF MY AGE!

A particularly powerful one

“I am not aging out of life; I am continuing to live it.”

And perhaps the deepest age-affirming belief:

“My value is inherent. I do not have to remain young to remain worthy.”

These beliefs may be especially useful for countering internalized ageism, when negative cultural messages about aging become part of a person’s own self-image.

Shervan K Shahhian

Internalized Ageism could be when a person absorbs negative stereotypes:

Internalized Ageism could be when a person absorbs negative stereotypes, assumptions, or prejudices about aging and older people and then applies those beliefs to themselves.

In simple terms: society’s negative messages about aging become part of your own self-image.

Common examples

A person may think:

  • “I’m too old to learn something new.”
  • “People won’t value me because I’m older.”
  • “I shouldn’t try to change my appearance anymore.”
  • “My best years are behind me.”
  • “I’m becoming useless.”
  • “Older people aren’t attractive.”
  • “I shouldn’t need help, I should be able to keep up with younger people.”
  • “It’s normal for me to be ignored or treated as less important because of my age.”

How it can develop

Internalized ageism may be developed through repeated exposure to:

  • Media portraying youth as more desirable or valuable
  • Workplace discrimination
  • Family or social attitudes toward aging
  • Cultural emphasis on youth and physical appearance
  • Repeated jokes or derogatory comments about older people
  • Experiences of being dismissed or stereotyped because of age

Over time, these external messages may become internal beliefs and self-judgments.

Psychological effects

Internalized ageism may contribute to:

  • Lower self-esteem and self-worth
  • Shame about getting older
  • Anxiety about aging
  • Body dissatisfaction
  • Social withdrawal
  • Reduced confidence and self-efficacy
  • Feeling less competent or relevant
  • Avoiding activities because of assumptions about what is “appropriate” for one’s age
  • Greater vulnerability to depressive thinking

One particularly important mechanism is self-fulfilling prophecy:

if someone believes aging necessarily means cognitive or physical decline, they may stop challenging themselves, become less active, or withdraw socially, potentially reinforcing the very decline they fear.

Internalized ageism vs. ordinary awareness of aging

Being aware that aging may involve genuine physical or cognitive changes isn’t automatically ageism.

The distinction is whether someone turns a realistic limitation into a global negative judgment about their worth or potential.

“I may need more time to learn this than I used to.”, Realistic self-awareness.

“I’m too old to learn this.”, Potential internalized ageism.

A healthier alternative

The goal may not be to deny aging. It’s to develop age affirming beliefs:

“I am aging, but aging does not determine my worth, intelligence, usefulness, attractiveness, or capacity for growth.”

This may connect closely with self-compassion, self-efficacy, age acceptance, and healthy identity development across the lifespan.

Shervan K Shahhian

Catfishing is a form of deception:

Catfishing is a form of deception in which someone creates a false online identity to manipulate, deceive, or exploit another person. The fake identity may involve stolen photos, a fabricated biography, or lies about age, occupation, relationship status, location, or intentions.

Possible Reasons People Catfish

People catfish for different reasons, that may include:

  • Seeking emotional attention or validation.
  • Escaping loneliness or low self-esteem.
  • Financial scams (“romance scams”).
  • Identity theft or fraud.
  • Revenge or harassment.
  • Entertainment or “trolling.”
  • Grooming or exploiting vulnerable individuals.

Possible Common Warning Signs

Some red flags may include:

  • They refuse to video chat or meet in person despite months of communication.
  • They have excuses for why they cannot meet (“I’m overseas,” “My camera is broken,” “I’m working on a secret project.”).
  • Their photos appear unusually professional or model like.
  • Their stories frequently change or contain inconsistencies.
  • They declare love or deep emotional attachment very quickly.
  • They ask for money, gift cards, cryptocurrency, or financial help.
  • They avoid answering direct personal questions.
  • Their social media presence is sparse, newly created, or lacks interactions from real friends.
  • They pressure you to keep the relationship secret.

Emotional Manipulation Techniques

Catfishers may use psychological tactics such as:

  • Love bombing: Excessive affection and compliments early in the relationship.
  • Emotional dependency: Making you feel like you’re the only person who understands them.
  • Creating crises: Constant emergencies requiring emotional or financial support.
  • Guilt: Making you feel responsible if you question them.
  • Isolation: Encouraging you to withdraw from family and friends.

How to Possibly Protect Yourself

  • Reverse search their profile photos using a search engine.
  • Ask for a live video call early in the relationship.
  • Verify details they tell you through public information when appropriate.
  • Never send money or share sensitive financial information.
  • Trust your instincts if something feels “off.”
  • Talk to trusted friends, family, and the authorities, because they may notice warning signs you miss.

What to Do If You Think You’re Being Catfished

  1. Stop sending money or personal information.
  2. Save screenshots and messages as evidence.
  3. Ask for a live video call or another form of identity verification.
  4. End contact if they continue making excuses or become manipulative.
  5. Report the account to the platform where you met.
  6. If money was involved, contact your bank immediately and report the fraud to the appropriate authorities.

Psychological Impact

Being catfished may lead to:

  • Betrayal and loss of trust
  • Shame or embarrassment
  • Anxiety and depression
  • Grief over the loss of what felt like a real relationship
  • Difficulty trusting future partners

It’s important to remember that catfishing relies on deception. Intelligent, cautious people can still become victims because scammers often exploit normal human needs for connection, affection, and companionship.

Report the fraud to the appropriate authorities.

Shervan K Shahhian

Catfishing maybe a form of deception in which someone creates a false online identity to manipulate,…

Catfishing maybe a form of deception in which someone creates a false online identity to manipulate, deceive, or exploit another person. The fake identity may involve stolen photos, a fabricated biography, or lies about age, occupation, relationship status, location, or intentions.

Common Reasons People Catfish

People may catfish for different reasons, including:

  • Seeking emotional attention or validation.
  • Escaping loneliness or low self-esteem.
  • Financial scams (“romance scams”).
  • Identity theft or fraud.
  • Revenge or harassment.
  • Entertainment or “trolling.”
  • Grooming or exploiting vulnerable individuals.

Common Warning Signs

Some red flags may include:

  • They refuse to video chat or meet in person despite months of communication.
  • They have excuses for why they cannot meet (“I’m overseas,” “My camera is broken,” “I’m working on a secret project.”).
  • Their photos appear unusually professional or model like.
  • Their stories frequently change or contain inconsistencies.
  • They declare love or deep emotional attachment very quickly.
  • They ask for money, gift cards, cryptocurrency, or financial help.
  • They avoid answering direct personal questions.
  • Their social media presence is sparse, newly created, or lacks interactions from real friends.
  • They pressure you to keep the relationship secret.

Emotional Manipulation Techniques

Catfishers may often use psychological tactics such as:

  • Love bombing: Excessive affection and compliments early in the relationship.
  • Emotional dependency: Making you feel like you’re the only person who understands them.
  • Creating crises: Constant emergencies requiring emotional or financial support.
  • Guilt: Making you feel responsible if you question them.
  • Isolation: Encouraging you to withdraw from family and friends.

How to Protect Yourself

  • Reverse search their profile photos using a search engine.
  • Ask for a live video call early in the relationship.
  • Verify details they tell you through public information when appropriate.
  • Never send money or share sensitive financial information.
  • Trust your instincts if something feels “off.”
  • Talk to trusted friends or family, they may notice warning signs you miss.

What to Do If You Think You’re Being Catfished

  1. Stop sending money or personal information.
  2. Save screenshots and messages as evidence.
  3. Ask for a live video call or another form of identity verification.
  4. End contact if they continue making excuses or become manipulative.
  5. Report the account to the platform where you met.
  6. If money was involved, contact your bank immediately and report the fraud to the appropriate authorities.

Psychological Impact

Being catfished may lead to:

  • Betrayal and loss of trust
  • Shame or embarrassment
  • Anxiety and depression
  • Grief over the loss of what felt like a real relationship
  • Difficulty trusting future partners

It’s important to remember that catfishing relies on deception. Intelligent, cautious people may still become victims because scammers often exploit normal human needs for connection, affection, and companionship.

Shervan K Shahhian

Emotional Blackmail is a form of psychological manipulation:

Emotional Blackmail is a form of psychological manipulation in which someone uses fear, obligation, guilt, shame, or affection to pressure another person into doing what they want. The goal is to control another person’s behavior by exploiting the relationship rather than communicating openly and respectfully.

How Emotional Blackmail Works

It often follows a predictable pattern:

A demand

The person wants you to do something.

Example: “You need to cancel your plans and stay with me.”

Resistance

You politely decline or express your own needs.

Pressure

They increase the emotional pressure.

They may criticize, guilt trip, threaten, or play the victim.

Compliance

You give in to stop the conflict or avoid feeling guilty.

Repetition

They learn that this strategy works and continue using it.

Common Tactics

1. Guilt Tripping

Making you feel responsible for their emotions.

Examples:

“After everything I’ve done for you…”

“You’re so selfish.”

“A good son/daughter would help.”

2. Fear

Creating fear of consequences.

Examples:

“If you leave me, I’ll never recover.”

“You’ll regret this.”

“Don’t expect me to be there for you.”

3. Obligation

Making you feel indebted.

Examples:

“You owe me.”

“I sacrificed everything for you.”

4. Shame

Attacking your character.

Examples:

“You’re a terrible friend.”

“Only bad people would say no.”

5. Silent Treatment

Using withdrawal of affection or communication as punishment.

Examples:

Ignoring texts.

Refusing to speak for days.

6. Playing the Victim

Presenting themselves as helpless to make you feel guilty.

Examples:

“Nobody cares about me.”

“Everyone abandons me.”

7. Conditional Love

Making affection dependent on obedience.

Examples:

“If you loved me, you would…”

“I thought you cared about me.”

The FOG Model

F – Fear

Fear of conflict, rejection, abandonment, or punishment.

O – Obligation

Feeling you “should” do what they ask.

G – Guilt

Feeling like a bad person for saying no.

When you’re in FOG, it becomes difficult to make decisions based on your own values and needs.

Why People Use Emotional Blackmail

Not everyone who uses these tactics is intentionally malicious. Some people learned these behaviors growing up or use them because they struggle to communicate their needs effectively. Others may use them deliberately to gain control.

Possible reasons include:

  • Poor emotional regulation
  • Fear of abandonment
  • Insecure attachment
  • Learned family patterns
  • Desire for control
  • Certain personality traits or disorders (though emotional blackmail is not specific to any one diagnosis)

Signs You May Be Experiencing Emotional Blackmail

You might notice that:

  • You constantly feel guilty for saying no.
  • You feel responsible for someone else’s happiness.
  • You walk on eggshells.
  • You often give in just to keep the peace.
  • Your boundaries are repeatedly ignored.
  • You feel anxious before expressing your own needs.

Signs You May Be Experiencing Emotional Blackmail

You might notice that:

You constantly feel guilty for saying no.

You feel responsible for someone else’s happiness.

You walk on eggshells.

You often give in just to keep the peace.

Your boundaries are repeatedly ignored.

You feel anxious before expressing your own needs.

Healthy Ways to Respond

Stay calm and avoid reacting impulsively.

Acknowledge their feelings without accepting unfair responsibility.

“I understand you’re upset.”

Repeat your boundary clearly.

“I can’t do that.”

Avoid lengthy justifications, which may invite further pressure.

Recognize guilt as a feeling, not proof that you’ve done something wrong.

If the pattern is ongoing, consider limiting contact or seeking support from trusted friends or a mental health professional.

Example

Emotional Blackmail

Person A: “I can’t lend you money this month.”

Person B: “I guess you don’t care if I end up homeless. After everything I’ve done for you.”

The second response attempts to create guilt rather than discuss the situation constructively.

Healthy Alternative

Person A: “I can’t lend you money this month.”

Person B: “I’m disappointed, but I understand. I’ll look for other options.”

This response expresses emotion while respecting the other person’s decision.

Key Point

Emotional blackmail differs from healthy emotional expression. It’s normal for people to express sadness, disappointment, or frustration. It becomes emotional blackmail when those emotions are used as tools of pressure or control, rather than shared honestly in a way that respects the other person’s autonomy and boundaries.

Shervan K Shahhian

Controlling Behavior refers to actions used to dominate, direct, or excessively,…

Controlling behavior refers to actions used to dominate, direct, or excessively influence another person’s thoughts, feelings, choices, or activities. It often stems from a need for power, certainty, security, or fear of losing control.

Common Signs of Controlling Behavior

  • Constantly telling others what they should do.
  • Monitoring or checking up on people excessively.
  • Making decisions for others without their input.
  • Criticizing or micromanaging how others do things.
  • Using guilt, threats, intimidation, or manipulation to get compliance.
  • Isolating someone from friends, family, or support systems.
  • Demanding excessive reassurance, loyalty, or obedience.
  • Refusing to respect personal boundaries.

Examples

  • A partner insists on knowing where their spouse is at all times.
  • A parent makes major life decisions for an adult child without considering their wishes.
  • A manager micromanages every detail and allows no autonomy.
  • A friend uses guilt to pressure someone into doing what they want.

Why People Become Controlling

Controlling behavior may develop from:

  • Anxiety and fear of uncertainty.
  • Insecurity or low self-esteem.
  • Fear of abandonment or rejection.
  • Perfectionism.
  • Learned behavior from family or past relationships.
  • A desire for power and dominance.

Healthy Influence vs. Controlling Behavior

Healthy influence:

  • Respects autonomy.
  • Encourages discussion and collaboration.
  • Accepts disagreement.
  • Honors boundaries.

Controlling behavior:

  • Seeks compliance rather than cooperation.
  • Uses pressure, manipulation, or intimidation.
  • Disregards boundaries.
  • Punishes disagreement.

Impact on Others

People subjected to controlling behavior may experience:

  • Reduced self-confidence.
  • Anxiety and stress.
  • Resentment and anger.
  • Difficulty making independent decisions.
  • Feelings of being trapped or powerless.

What Helps

  • Recognize and clearly define boundaries.
  • Communicate needs assertively.
  • Encourage mutual respect and autonomy.
  • Address underlying fears or insecurities.
  • Consider counseling if the pattern is persistent or damaging.

When controlling behavior becomes severe and involves intimidation, isolation, threats, surveillance, or coercion, it may be considered coercive control, a form of psychological and emotional abuse that may seriously affect a person’s well-being.

Shervan K Shahhian

“Ghosting” usually means suddenly cutting off communication:

“Ghosting” usually means suddenly cutting off communication with someone, no replies, no explanation, disappearing from texts/calls/social media. It may be used in dating, but it can also happen in friendships, work, or family situations.

Examples:

  • Someone you’ve been talking to daily suddenly stops responding.
  • A recruiter vanishes after interviews.
  • A friend goes silent without explanation.

People ghost for different reasons:

  • Avoiding confrontation or uncomfortable conversations
  • Losing interest
  • Feeling overwhelmed
  • Emotional immaturity
  • Anxiety or personal issues

Being ghosted may feel confusing because there’s no closure. Usually, the healthiest approach is to avoid chasing indefinitely, assume the silence is an answer, and move forward.

A possible explanation:

  • why people ghost psychologically,
  • how to respond to being ghosted,
  • signs someone is about to ghost,
  • or the difference between ghosting and just needing space.

why people ghost psychologically?

People ghost for a variety of psychological reasons, and the behavior is often more about the ghoster’s coping style than the worth of the person being ghosted.

Common psychological factors include:

Conflict Avoidance

Some people experience strong discomfort around disappointing others, rejecting someone, or having emotionally difficult conversations. Instead of saying “I’m no longer interested,” they disappear to avoid guilt, anxiety, or confrontation.

Emotional Immaturity

A person may lack the communication skills or emotional development needed to handle endings directly. Ghosting may reflect difficulty tolerating:

  • awkwardness,
  • accountability,
  • emotional responsibility,
  • or another person’s reaction.

Avoidant Attachment

In attachment psychology, people with an avoidant attachment style may pull away when relationships become emotionally close or demanding. Intimacy may trigger discomfort, leading them to withdraw suddenly rather than discuss their feelings.

Overwhelm or Stress

Not all ghosting is malicious. Some people disappear because they are overwhelmed by:

  • depression,
  • anxiety,
  • burnout,
  • life crises,
  • or social exhaustion.

In these cases, avoidance becomes a coping mechanism. However, the silence can still hurt others.

Fear of Vulnerability

Direct honesty requires vulnerability. Saying:

  • “I changed my mind,”
  • “I’m not ready,”
  • or “I don’t feel the same”
    may feel emotionally risky. Ghosting avoids exposure and emotional discomfort.

Dehumanization Through Digital Communication

Modern texting and app culture may make relationships feel more disposable. When interactions happen mostly online, some people psychologically distance themselves from the emotional impact of disappearing.

Passive Control or Power Dynamics

Sometimes ghosting is used unconsciously, or consciously, as a way to regain control, create ambiguity, or avoid feeling emotionally vulnerable. The uncertainty may leave the other person emotionally preoccupied.

Shame or Guilt

A person who feels ashamed about their behavior, inconsistency, cheating, or inability to commit may avoid communication because facing the other person intensifies those feelings.

What Ghosting Usually Does Not Mean

People may often personalize ghosting as proof that they are unworthy or fundamentally flawed. Psychologically, ghosting more commonly reflects:

  • the other person’s coping mechanisms,
  • emotional limitations,
  • communication style,
  • or avoidance patterns.

Important Distinction

Ghosting differs from:

  • setting a healthy boundary,
  • needing temporary solitude,
  • or ending contact after abuse or danger.

In unhealthy or unsafe situations, disengagement without explanation maybe protective rather than avoidant.

Shervan K Shahhian

Creating Emotional Safety, how:

Creating emotional safety may not be about being “nice all the time”, it’s about building a relationship where people can be real without fear of punishment, rejection, or humiliation. It’s foundational in therapy, leadership, and intimate relationships, and heavily emphasized in approaches like Attachment Theory.

Here’s what actually creates emotional safety in a practical, grounded way:

1. Predictability: “I know how you’ll respond”

People feel safe when your reactions are consistent.

  • Avoid sudden emotional swings or unpredictable anger
  • Respond instead of reacting
  • Follow through on what you say

Unpredictability: vigilance, not safety

2. Non-judgmental listening

This is where some people might think they’re good, but aren’t.

  • Listen to understand, not correct or fix
  • Don’t immediately evaluate (“That’s irrational,” “You shouldn’t feel that way”)
  • Reflect back what you hear

Example:

  • Unsafe: “That doesn’t make sense.”
  • Safe: “That really affected you. Tell me more.”

3. Emotional validation

Validation doesn’t mean agreement, it means acknowledgment.

  • “That makes sense given what you went through”
  • “I can see why you’d feel that way”

This may align with emotional attunement models used in Emotionally Focused Therapy.

Without validation, people feel invisible or wrong

4. Repair after rupture

Safety isn’t the absence of conflict, it’s how you handle it.

  • Own your part without defensiveness
  • Apologize specifically (“I shut you down earlier, that wasn’t fair”)
  • Reconnect intentionally

Repair attempts maybe one of the strongest predictors of relationship stability.

5. Emotional regulation (your side)

If you can’t regulate yourself, you can’t create safety for others.

  • Notice escalation early (tight chest, faster speech, irritability)
  • Take pauses instead of pushing through
  • Return when calmer

Dysregulation in one person spreads quickly to the other

6. Boundaries (clear, not harsh)

Surprisingly, boundaries increase safety.

  • Say what is and isn’t okay
  • Be consistent
  • Avoid passive-aggressive behavior

Example:

  • “I want to keep talking, but not if we’re yelling. Let’s pause and come back.”

7. No weaponizing vulnerability

This is a dealbreaker.

  • Don’t bring up someone’s past disclosures during conflict
  • Don’t mock, minimize, or expose their insecurities

Once vulnerability is used against someone, safety collapses fast

8. Warmth and responsiveness

Small behaviors matter more than big speeches.

  • Eye contact
  • Tone of voice
  • Turning toward bids for connection (“Hey, listen to this…”)

Gottman calls these “bids”, and consistently responding to them builds long-term trust.

9. Psychological permission to be imperfect

People feel safe when they don’t have to perform.

  • Allow mistakes without overreaction
  • Normalize emotional complexity
  • Avoid perfection standards

This connects with the concept of Psychological Safety, often used in teams but just as relevant in relationships.

What destroys emotional safety (quick reality check)

  • Contempt (eye-rolling, sarcasm, superiority)
  • Chronic criticism (attacking the person, not the behavior)
  • Defensiveness
  • Stonewalling

Bottom line

Emotional safety is built through repeated micro-experiences:

“When I show up honestly, I’m met with understanding, not danger.”

It’s less about techniques and more about consistency over time.

Shervan K Shahhian

“Radical Honesty” is a communication approach built around telling the truth as directly and completely as possible:

“Radical honesty” is a communication approach built around telling the truth as directly and completely as possible, especially about your own thoughts, feelings, and intentions, instead of filtering, softening, or avoiding discomfort.

At its core, it’s a reaction against the everyday habits most people rely on:

White lies, politeness scripts, emotional suppression, and strategic silence. The idea is that those habits create stress, distance, and confusion over time.

What it actually means in practice

Radical honesty isn’t just “saying whatever comes to mind.” Done well, it involves:

  • Owning your internal state
    Instead of: “I’m fine.”
    You say: “I’m actually feeling irritated and a bit hurt.”
  • Dropping social masks
    You don’t pretend to agree, like something, or be okay when you’re not.
  • Admitting uncomfortable truths about yourself
    Jealousy, insecurity, attraction, resentment, things people usually hide.
  • Speaking in real time
    You address things as they arise instead of letting them build into resentment.

The upside

People who practice it seriously might often report:

  • Less internal tension (no energy spent “managing impressions”)
  • Clearer relationships (others know where they stand)
  • Faster conflict resolution (issues surface early)
  • A stronger sense of authenticity

The downside (and why it’s controversial)

Radical honesty may easily go wrong:

  • It can be hurtful if used without empathy
    Brutal honesty or helpful honesty.
  • It can become self-centered
    Dumping every thought or feeling on others isn’t always appropriate.
  • It ignores social context
    Not every situation benefits from full transparency (workplaces, safety, power dynamics).
  • It can damage relationships
    Especially if the other person hasn’t consented to that level of openness.

The difference between radical honesty and just “being blunt”

A useful distinction:

  • Bluntness: “That idea is terrible.”
  • Radical honesty: “I’m noticing I’m having a strong negative reaction to that idea, and I think it’s because I’m worried it won’t work.”

One is an attack. The other is self-revealing.

A more grounded way to use it

If you’re interested in the idea, a balanced version works better than going all in:

  • Be honest about your own experience, not judgments about others
  • Pair honesty with responsibility and empathy
  • Choose timing and context deliberately
  • Ask: “Is this true, necessary, and constructive?”

Radical honesty isn’t about removing all filters, it’s about replacing unconscious, fear based filtering with conscious, intentional communication.

Shervan K Shahhian