Author Archives: Shervan K Shahhian, LIBERTY PSYCHOLOGICAL ASSOCIATION, The Most Comprehensive Online Library Regarding Mental Health, Psychology and Parapsychology in the World.

Doctored Degree in Clinical Psychology (PSYD) (ABD) All But Dissertation, a Masters (M.A.) in Clinical Psychology, a Bachelor's Degree (B.A.) in Psychology, a Associate Degree (AA) in Liberal Arts with an emphases in Psychology, Certification in Anger Management, Certification in MRT-Moral Reconation Therapy®, Certification in Clinical Hypnotherapy, and Certification in Advanced Hypnotherapy.

Fight-or-Flight Response, explained:

The fight-or-flight response is the body’s automatic reaction to perceived danger or threat. It’s a survival mechanism that prepares you to either fight the threat or run away (flight) from it.

How It Works:

When your brain detects danger — real or imagined — the amygdala (the brain’s fear center) sends a signal to the hypothalamus, which activates the sympathetic nervous system. This triggers the release of stress hormones such as adrenaline (epinephrine) and cortisol.

Physiological Changes:

These hormones cause several rapid changes in your body:

Heart rate increases — to pump more blood to muscles.
Breathing quickens — to take in more oxygen.
Muscles tense up — ready for action.
Pupils dilate — to improve vision.
Digestion slows — energy is redirected from non-essential functions.
Sweating increases — to cool the body.

Purpose:

This response evolved to help humans and animals survive immediate threats (like predators). Today, it can still be triggered by modern stressors like conflict, exams, or public speaking — even when physical danger isn’t present.

After the Threat:

Once the perceived threat passes, the parasympathetic nervous system (the “rest-and-digest” system) helps the body return to normal, reducing heart rate and relaxing muscles.

Shervan K Shahhian

Psychological Torment, explained:

Psychological torment refers to intense emotional or mental suffering caused by prolonged stress, fear, guilt, humiliation, manipulation, or other forms of psychological harm. Unlike physical pain, it primarily targets the mind and emotions, often leaving deep, invisible scars that can affect a person’s identity, perception, and overall functioning.

Here’s a breakdown of what it involves:

1. Core Definition

Psychological torment is a state of sustained emotional distress where a person feels trapped, powerless, or mentally broken down due to external or internal pressures. It can be deliberate (as in emotional abuse or psychological warfare) or unintentional (as in chronic grief, guilt, or trauma).

2. Common Forms

Emotional abuse: constant criticism, humiliation, or rejection.
Gaslighting: manipulating someone into doubting their reality or sanity.
Isolation: depriving someone of support or human connection.
Fear induction: using threats, unpredictability, or intimidation to create anxiety.
Internal torment: guilt, shame, or intrusive thoughts that create inner suffering.

3. Psychological Effects

Long-term psychological torment can lead to:

Anxiety disorders or panic attacks
Depression and hopelessness
Dissociation or emotional numbness
Sleep disturbances and nightmares
Loss of self-esteem and trust

PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder)

4. Mechanisms Behind It

The mind experiences torment when its sense of safety, control, or meaning is repeatedly undermined. This triggers chronic activation of the stress response system (fight, flight, or freeze), wearing down emotional resilience and cognitive clarity over time.

5. Healing and Recovery

Recovery from psychological torment involves:

Safety restoration: removing or reducing sources of distress
Therapeutic support: trauma-informed therapy, EMDR, or somatic approaches
Reconnection: rebuilding relationships and trust
Self-compassion and meaning-making: reclaiming one’s inner sense of worth and purpose

Shervan K Shahhian

Discernment Counseling, explained:

Discernment Counseling is a short-term, specialized form of couples counseling designed for partners who are uncertain about the future of their relationship — especially when one partner is leaning toward divorce and the other is leaning toward saving the marriage.

Here’s a clear breakdown:

Purpose

The goal isn’t to solve all marital problems or immediately repair the relationship. Instead, it helps couples gain clarity and confidence about whether to:

Stay together and work on the relationship,

Separate or divorce, or

Take a break before making a long-term decision.

Typical Context

It’s often used when couples are in what therapists call “mixed-agenda” situations:

One partner wants to preserve the relationship (“leaning in”).

The other is considering ending it (“leaning out”).

Traditional couples therapy doesn’t work well in this scenario because both partners have different goals. Discernment Counseling addresses that imbalance first.

Structure

Usually 1 to 5 sessions.

The counselor meets with both partners together, and also each partner individually during the session.

Focuses on understanding — not blaming or fixing.

Main Goals

Clarify what’s happened in the relationship to get to this point.

Understand each partner’s contributions to the problems.

Decide on a path forward with mutual respect and insight.

Outcome Options

At the end, couples typically choose one of three paths:

Path 1: Keep the status quo (no immediate changes).

Path 2: Move toward separation or divorce.

Path 3: Commit to a period (usually 6 months) of reconciliation-oriented couples therapy, with full effort from both sides.

I would like to explain how discernment counseling differs from traditional couples therapy or what a sample session looks like?

How discernment counseling differs from traditional couples therapy or what a sample session looks like?

How Discernment Counseling Differs from Traditional Couples Therapy

Aspect Discernment Counseling Traditional Couples Therapy Purpose To help couples decide whether to stay together or separate. To help couples improve and repair their relationship. When Used When partners are ambivalent or have mixed agendas (one leaning in, one leaning out).When both partners want to work on the relationship. DurationShort-term — usually 1 to 5 sessions. Ongoing — weekly sessions for months or longer.Focus Understanding what happened and clarifying future direction. Building skills (communication, trust, conflict resolution, intimacy). Therapist’s Role Neutral guide helping each partner reflect, not persuade. Active coach helping both partners collaborate on change. Outcome A decision — stay, separate, or try reconciliation therapy. Improved relationship through behavioral and emotional change. Client Readiness Designed for uncertainty and ambivalence. Requires mutual commitment to work on the relationship.

So, discernment counseling is about decision-making, not problem-solving it’s a structured pause before committing to either therapy or separation.

What a Sample Session Looks Like

Session Length: ~90 minutes

Step 1: Joint Conversation (15–20 min)

The counselor meets with both partners together.

Purpose: set the tone of respect and clarify goals (“We’re here to understand, not to make quick decisions”).

Each partner shares what brings them in and how they see the current situation.

Step 2: Individual Conversations (30–40 min total)

Each partner meets privately with the counselor.

The “leaning out” partner explores their ambivalence, reasons for leaving, and what they might need to consider staying.

The “leaning in” partner explores how they’ve contributed to the current state and what changes they’d make if given the chance.

Step 3: Rejoin and Reflect (20–30 min)

The counselor brings the couple back together.

Each partner summarizes insights they’ve gained (not negotiations).

The counselor helps them reflect on next steps — maintaining clarity and empathy.

If Further Sessions Occur:

Each session deepens understanding and moves toward one of three decisions:

Maintain the status quo for now.

Begin the process of separation/divorce.

Commit to couples therapy for six months of active repair work.

A brief example dialogue:

Here’s a brief, realistic example dialogue illustrating how a discernment counseling session might unfold when one partner is unsure (leaning out) and the other wants to save the marriage (leaning in).

Scene: First Session

Couple: Female Client (leaning out) and Male Client (leaning in)
and Counselor/Therapist:

Counselor/Therapist: Thank you both for being here. My role today isn’t to push you toward staying or separating, but to help you both understand what’s happened and what each of you wants moving forward. Sound okay?

Female Client: Yes. I’m not sure what I want right now I’ve thought about leaving, but I also feel guilty and confused.

Male Client: I just want us to work on things. I know it’s been bad, but I believe we can fix it.

Counselor/Therapist: That’s very common. In discernment counseling, we call this a mixed-agenda couple — one partner is leaning out, the other leaning in. My job is to help each of you get clearer about your own feelings and choices, not to pressure either way.

Individual Conversations

( Counselor/Therapist: with Female Client)
Counselor/Therapist: Female Client, what’s leading you to think about ending the marriage?

Female Client: I just feel done. We’ve had the same arguments for years, and I don’t feel heard anymore. I’m tired of hoping things will change.

Counselor/Therapist: That sounds painful. What part of you still feels uncertain?

Female Client: Well, we have two kids. And when Mark tries, he really tries. I just don’t know if it’s too late.

Counselor/Therapist: That uncertainty that small opening is something we can explore. Today, we’re not deciding; we’re understanding.

(Counselor/Therapist: with Male Client)
Counselor/Therapist: Male Client, what’s your hope for today?

Male Client: I want to show her I’m serious about changing. I know I’ve shut down emotionally, but I’m willing to do therapy or whatever it takes.

Counselor/Therapist: It’s good that you’re motivated. But remember, today isn’t about persuading Female Client it’s about understanding your part in how things got here. What do you think has been your contribution?

Male Client: I’ve avoided hard conversations. I think I made her feel alone.

Counselor/Therapist: That’s an honest reflection a good step toward clarity.

Joint Wrap-Up

Counselor/Therapist: You’ve both shared important insights today. Female Client:, you’re recognizing how exhaustion and hope are both present. , Male Client you’re seeing where withdrawal played a role.

My suggestion is that you both take a few days to reflect. When we meet next time, we can look at three possible paths:

Keep things as they are for now.

Move toward separation.

Commit to a period of structured couples therapy to rebuild.

The goal is clarity, not a rush to a decision.

Shervan K Shahhian

The Hedonic Treadmill, explained:

The hedonic treadmill (also called hedonic adaptation) is a psychological concept describing how people tend to return to a relatively stable level of happiness despite major positive or negative life changes.

Core Idea
No matter what happens — winning the lottery, getting a promotion, or experiencing loss — our emotional state tends to “reset” over time. After a period of excitement or sadness, people usually revert to their baseline level of happiness.

Psychological Explanation
Adaptation: Humans quickly get used to new circumstances. Once something becomes familiar, it has less emotional impact.

Comparison: We constantly compare ourselves to others or to our past selves, adjusting expectations and satisfaction levels.

Desire Renewal: Once one goal is achieved, a new one arises — keeping us “running” on the treadmill of seeking happiness.

Example
Someone wins $10 million. At first, their happiness spikes.

After months or a year, they adapt to the new lifestyle, and their happiness returns to roughly the same level as before the win.

Similarly, someone who loses their job may feel depressed but often recovers emotionally over time.

Therapeutic Implications
In psychotherapy or positive psychology, this concept emphasizes:

The importance of cultivating internal sources of happiness (like gratitude, mindfulness, or meaning) rather than external ones.

Encouraging clients to build sustainable well-being practices, not rely solely on changing life circumstances.

I would like to explain how the hedonic treadmill connects specifically to psychotherapy:

In psychotherapy, the hedonic treadmill helps explain why external life changes — money, success, relationships — often fail to produce lasting happiness or relief from emotional distress.

Here’s how it connects clinically and therapeutically:

1. Understanding Client Dissatisfaction
Many clients enter therapy believing:

“If I get this job, partner, or house, I’ll finally be happy.”

The hedonic treadmill helps therapists show that external goals alone don’t create enduring fulfillment. This awareness can shift therapy toward internal growth, values, and self-awareness, rather than constant pursuit of new external “fixes.”

2. Focus on Sustainable Well-Being
Therapists often teach clients to build psychological resilience and inner contentment through:

Mindfulness (staying present and savoring experiences)

Gratitude practices (appreciating what one already has)

Values-based living (pursuing meaning, not just pleasure)

Self-compassion (reducing self-criticism)

These help break the cycle of adaptation and create a deeper baseline of well-being.

3. Cognitive and Behavioral Reframing
In Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), clients may learn that chasing external rewards can reinforce avoidance of inner pain.
Instead, therapy works on acceptance, mindfulness, and committed action — anchoring happiness in personal meaning and acceptance, not constant novelty.

4. Example in Session
Client: “I thought getting this promotion would make me happy, but I feel empty again.”
Therapist: “That’s a common experience — our minds adapt quickly to new rewards. Let’s explore what lasting satisfaction means for you beyond achievement.”

This opens the door to deeper existential or emotional exploration.

5. Ultimate Goal
Psychotherapy helps clients step off the hedonic treadmill — to find a sense of peace and meaning that isn’t constantly dependent on external changes.

Shervan K Shahhian

The Psychology of Money, explained:

The Psychology of Money is the study of how people think, feel, and behave around money — including how beliefs, emotions, experiences, and biases shape financial decisions. It looks at why people make the choices they do about spending, saving, investing, and risk-taking, often in ways that go beyond logic or economics.

Here’s a breakdown of the key ideas:

1. Money is Emotional, Not Rational
Even though money seems like a logical topic (numbers, balance sheets, profits), people rarely make financial decisions purely rationally.

Fear, greed, status, security, and identity heavily influence choices.

For example: Someone might overspend to feel accepted, or avoid investing because of past financial trauma.

2. Personal History Shapes Financial Behavior
Everyone’s money mindset is shaped by their upbringing, culture, and past experiences:

A person who grew up during financial instability may hoard savings or fear debt.

Someone raised in wealth might view money as a tool for freedom or influence.

3. Perception of Money = Perception of Control
Money often symbolizes control, freedom, or security.
How much control one feels over life circumstances can shape how they manage money:

Feeling powerless → impulsive or avoidant money behaviors.

Feeling capable → strategic planning and long-term thinking.

4. Cognitive Biases in Financial Decisions
Human judgment is full of mental shortcuts that affect money management:

Loss aversion: People fear losing money more than they enjoy gaining it.

Present bias: Preferring small rewards now over larger rewards later.

Anchoring: Relying too heavily on first impressions (e.g., the first price seen).

Herd behavior: Following what others do (like during market booms or crashes).

5. The Relationship Between Money and Happiness
Money can increase happiness — but only up to a point, mainly by reducing stress and providing basic comfort.

Beyond that, happiness depends more on meaning, relationships, and autonomy than on wealth itself.

The psychological trick: People adapt quickly to new levels of wealth (the hedonic treadmill).

6. Identity, Status, and Self-Worth
Many people tie self-esteem to financial success. This leads to:

Comparison with others (social pressure).

Spending to signal success (“conspicuous consumption”).

Anxiety when financial goals are unmet.

7. Healthy Money Mindset
A balanced “psychology of money” involves:

Awareness of emotional triggers and biases.

Mindful decision-making instead of impulsive or fear-driven actions.

Values-based financial goals — aligning money with what truly matters (freedom, creativity, contribution, etc.).

I would like to explain this concept from a clinical/therapeutic perspective:

From a clinical or therapeutic perspective, the psychology of money explores how a person’s emotional life, attachment style, and internal belief systems influence their relationship with money. In therapy, money is not only an economic topic — it’s a mirror reflecting one’s self-worth, safety, power, and relationships.

Here’s how it’s often understood in clinical terms:

1. Money as a Mirror of the Psyche
In psychotherapy, money frequently symbolizes much more than currency:

Security → a substitute for safety or love.

Control → a means to manage anxiety or uncertainty.

Worth → a reflection of self-esteem or personal value.

Autonomy → a measure of independence from parents or authority figures.

Clients may unconsciously express unresolved conflicts through their financial behavior — overspending, hoarding, avoiding, or rescuing others financially.

2. Family-of-Origin and Money Scripts
Therapists often explore “money scripts” — deeply rooted beliefs learned in childhood about money and survival.
Examples include:

“Money is the root of all evil.”

“More money will solve my problems.”

“I must work hard to deserve money.”

“Rich people are selfish.”

These scripts shape adult behaviors:

A child who saw parents argue about money may associate it with conflict and avoid financial discussions.

Someone raised in scarcity might struggle to spend even when financially secure.

3. Emotional Regulation and Financial Behavior
Financial decisions often serve as emotion-regulation strategies:

Shopping to soothe loneliness or stress.

Saving excessively to ward off fear of loss.

Avoiding bills or taxes as a way of denying anxiety or shame.

In therapy, the focus is on helping clients identify these emotional patterns and replace them with healthier coping mechanisms.

4. Attachment and Money
A client’s attachment style often predicts their relationship with money:

Anxious attachment → financial overdependence or people-pleasing (giving too much, avoiding conflict).

Avoidant attachment → secretive, controlling, or emotionally detached from financial intimacy.

Secure attachment → open communication and balanced financial boundaries.

Couples therapy often reveals that money conflicts are attachment conflicts in disguise.

5. Shame, Guilt, and Self-Worth
Money frequently triggers shame (“I’m bad with money,” “I don’t deserve wealth”) or guilt (“I have more than others”).
Therapy helps clients:

Differentiate net worth from self-worth.

Recognize inherited guilt or unspoken family contracts (“Don’t surpass your parents”).

Develop financial self-compassion.

6. Power, Control, and Boundaries
Money dynamics in relationships often reflect power struggles:

One partner controlling finances as a form of dominance.

Another using spending to assert independence.

Families using money to maintain loyalty or dependence.

Therapeutically, this involves restoring financial boundaries and empowering clients to make choices aligned with their authentic needs and values.

7. Healing the Relationship with Money
Clinically, working on money issues means healing one’s emotional relationship with security, value, and trust:

Exploring the narrative behind financial behavior.

Building emotional tolerance for uncertainty and loss.

Creating a values-based financial plan that integrates emotional health with practical goals.

Shervan K Shahhian

Understanding Psychological Science:

Psychological science is the systematic study of mind and behavior through scientific methods. It uses observation, experimentation, and analysis to understand how people think, feel, and act — and why.

Here’s a clear breakdown:

Definition

Psychological science is the empirical study of mental processes and behavior. It’s the branch of psychology that treats the human mind as something that can be investigated scientifically, rather than just philosophically or intuitively.

Core Goals

Describe behavior and mental processes

Explain why they occur

Predict future behavior or outcomes

Control or influence behavior in helpful ways

Scientific Approach

Psychological scientists use the scientific method:

Forming a hypothesis
Conducting controlled experiments or studies
Using statistical analysis to test results
Replicating findings to confirm validity

Main Areas of Study

Cognitive psychology: How we think, learn, remember, and perceive
Biopsychology: How the brain and nervous system affect behavior
Social psychology: How people influence and relate to one another
Developmental psychology: How behavior changes across the lifespan
Clinical psychology: Causes and treatment of mental disorders
Health psychology: How psychological factors affect physical health

Why It Matters

Psychological science helps improve mental health, education, work performance, relationships, and even public policy — because it provides evidence-based insight into human behavior.

Shervan K Shahhian

Understanding Accurate Empathic Attunement:

Accurate Empathic Attunement refers to the therapist’s (or helper’s) ability to deeply sense, understand, and respond to a client’s inner emotional world in a way that feels precisely aligned with what the client is actually experiencing — not merely what the therapist imagines or assumes they feel.

Here’s a breakdown of what it means:

1. Definition

Accurate empathic attunement is the moment-to-moment sensitivity to the subtle shifts in a client’s emotional state, and the ability to reflect those feelings back with clarity, warmth, and precision. It is empathy in action, combined with accuracy — the therapist “tunes in” to the emotional wavelength of the client.

2. Core Elements

Empathic Understanding: Feeling with the client — sensing their inner world as if it were your own.
Accuracy: Distinguishing between your perception and the client’s actual experience; checking that your understanding matches theirs.
Attunement: Responding in a way that resonates emotionally — tone, pace, words, and presence all match the client’s state.

3. Example in Practice

Client: “I just feel like no matter what I do, I disappoint everyone.”
Therapist (with accurate empathic attunement):
“It sounds like you’re carrying a heavy sense of letting people down — almost like you can’t get it right, even when you try.”

(The therapist captures both the sadness and the self-blame — not just the words.)

If the therapist instead said:
“Sounds like you’re frustrated that others don’t appreciate you,”
— that would be inaccurate attunement because it misses the client’s deeper emotion (shame, not frustration).

4. Psychological Impact

Accurate empathic attunement:

Creates a deep sense of safety and trust.
Helps clients feel seen and validated.
Encourages emotional regulation and self-understanding.
Strengthens the therapeutic alliance — the foundation of healing.

5. In Summary

Accurate empathic attunement is the therapist’s finely tuned emotional radar — sensing not just what a client feels, but how deeply and in what way they feel it, and then mirroring it back with precision and care.

Shervan K Shahhian

Understanding Principle of Reflection:

How this principle applies psychologically:

In psychology, the Principle of Reflection takes on a metaphorical meaning rather than a physical one — but it’s rooted in the same idea: what is sent out is reflected back.

Psychological Interpretation:

Just as a mirror reflects light, people reflect the attitudes, emotions, and behaviors they perceive from others.
In essence:

The world (or others) often mirrors back to us what we project outward.

1. Interpersonal Reflection (Social Mirror Effect)

When you show kindness, empathy, or respect, people tend to respond similarly.
Conversely, hostility or contempt often invites defensiveness or withdrawal.

Example:
If a therapist listens attentively and nonjudgmentally, the client feels understood and begins to open up — mirroring that same acceptance inwardly.

2. Self-Reflection (Internal Mirror)

In self-awareness, reflection means looking inward — examining one’s own thoughts, motives, and actions.
This is the psychological “mirror” where growth happens.

Example:
After a conflict, asking “Why did I react that way?” is an act of self-reflection — helping transform reactive patterns into conscious choices.

3. Projection and Reflection

Psychodynamic theory suggests that what we criticize or admire in others can be a reflection of parts of ourselves — conscious or unconscious.

Example:
If someone irritates you for being arrogant, it may reflect your own unacknowledged pride or insecurity.

4. Therapeutic Reflection (Active Listening)

In counseling, reflection means mirroring the client’s emotions or thoughts to help them feel heard and gain insight.

Example (Therapist–Client dialogue):

Client: “I feel like no one values what I do.”
Therapist: “It sounds like you’re feeling unappreciated and unseen.”

This reflective statement helps the client recognize and process their inner experience.

Summary

Domain What is Reflected Purpose Physics Light Image formation Psychology Thoughts, feelings, behaviors Understanding and growth Interpersonal Attitudes & emotions Building empathy and harmony Therapy Client’s experience Insight and healing

I would you like to show how this Principle of Reflection is used specifically in psychotherapy or counseling practice (e.g., reflective listening, mirroring techniques)?

This Principle of Reflection is used specifically in psychotherapy or counseling practice

The Principle of Reflection is deeply embedded in psychotherapy and counseling practice.
Here, it shifts from being a law of physics to a core communication and insight tool that helps clients see themselves more clearly.

The Principle of Reflection in Psychotherapy and Counseling

1. Reflective Listening (Core Technique)

At the heart of counseling, reflection means accurately mirroring a client’s feelings, meanings, or experiences so they can recognize and process them.

How it works:

The therapist listens attentively, then reflects back what they’ve heard — not by parroting, but by capturing the emotional essence of the client’s message.

Example:

Client: “I’m tired of trying to please everyone and still feeling invisible.”
Therapist: “You feel exhausted from giving so much and still not being seen.”

Purpose:

Builds empathy and trust
Encourages deeper self-awareness
Helps clients hear their own inner truth spoken aloud

2. Emotional Reflection

Therapists often reflect underlying emotions that the client may not have clearly identified.

Example:

Client: “I guess I don’t care anymore.”
Therapist: “It sounds like beneath that, there’s some hurt and disappointment.”

Purpose:
This helps bring implicit feelings into conscious awareness, a crucial step for emotional healing.

3. Behavioral Reflection

Therapists also reflect behavioral patterns — like avoidance, defensiveness, or control — to help clients notice how they act or react.

Example:

Therapist: “I notice that when we talk about your father, you change the subject quickly. Maybe that topic feels uncomfortable?”

Purpose:
Increases insight into habitual responses and opens space for change.

4. Mirroring (Nonverbal Reflection)

Therapists sometimes subtly mirror the client’s tone, posture, or pace to build rapport and convey understanding.

Purpose:
Creates a sense of safety and connection through nonverbal empathy — what Carl Rogers called “accurate empathic attunement.”

5. Reflective Practice (For the Therapist)

The principle also applies to the therapist’s own growth — engaging in self-reflection after sessions to examine reactions, biases, or blind spots.

Purpose:
Maintains professional integrity and emotional balance.

Summary Table

Type of Reflection What is Reflected Therapeutic Purpose Verbal Reflection Client’s words and meaning Shows understanding Emotional Reflection Feelings and tone Promotes awareness & catharsis Behavioral Reflection Patterns of action Builds insight into habits Nonverbal Mirroring Body language, tone Enhances connection Therapist Self-Reflection Therapist’s inner process Supports ethical, empathic work.

In essence:

The Principle of Reflection in psychotherapy means that:

The therapist acts as a mirror of understanding, helping clients see themselves clearly — not by telling them what they are, but by reflecting what is already within them.

Shervan K Shahhian

Understanding Discernment Counseling:

Here’s a clear breakdown:

Purpose:
The goal isn’t to solve all marital problems or immediately repair the relationship. Instead, it helps couples gain clarity and confidence about whether to:

Stay together and work on the relationship,

Separate or divorce, or

Take a break before making a long-term decision.

Typical Context:
It’s often used when couples are in what therapists call “mixed-agenda” situations:

One partner wants to preserve the relationship (“leaning in”).

The other is considering ending it (“leaning out”).

Traditional couples therapy doesn’t work well in this scenario because both partners have different goals. Discernment Counseling addresses that imbalance first.

Structure:
Usually 1 to 5 sessions.

The counselor meets with both partners together, and also each partner individually during the session.

Focuses on understanding — not blaming or fixing.

Main Goals:
Clarify what’s happened in the relationship to get to this point.

Understand each partner’s contributions to the problems.

Decide on a path forward with mutual respect and insight.

Outcome Options:
At the end, couples typically choose one of three paths:

Path 1: Keep the status quo (no immediate changes).

Path 2: Move toward separation or divorce.

Path 3: Commit to a period (usually 6 months) of reconciliation-oriented couples therapy, with full effort from both sides.

I would you like to explain how discernment counseling differs from traditional couples therapy or what a sample session looks like?

How discernment counseling differs from traditional couples therapy or what a sample session looks like?

Let’s look at both:

How Discernment Counseling Differs from Traditional Couples Therapy
Aspect Discernment Counseling Traditional Couples Therapy
Purpose To help couples decide whether to stay together or separate. To help couples improve and repair their relationship.
When Used When partners are ambivalent or have mixed agendas (one leaning in, one leaning out). When both partners want to work on the relationship.

Duration Short-term — usually 1 to 5 sessions. Ongoing — weekly sessions for months or longer.

Focus Understanding what happened and clarifying future direction. Building skills (communication, trust, conflict resolution, intimacy).
Therapist’s Role Neutral guide helping each partner reflect, not persuade. Active coach helping both partners collaborate on change.

Outcome A decision — stay, separate, or try reconciliation therapy. Improved relationship through behavioral and emotional change.
Client Readiness Designed for uncertainty and ambivalence. Requires mutual commitment to work on the relationship.
So, discernment counseling is about decision-making, not problem-solving — it’s a structured pause before committing to either therapy or separation.

What a Sample Session Looks Like:
Session Length: ~90 minutes

Step 1: Joint Conversation (15–20 min)

The counselor meets with both partners together.

Purpose: set the tone of respect and clarify goals (“We’re here to understand, not to make quick decisions”).

Each partner shares what brings them in and how they see the current situation.

Step 2: Individual Conversations (30–40 min total)

Each partner meets privately with the counselor.

The “leaning out” partner explores their ambivalence, reasons for leaving, and what they might need to consider staying.

The “leaning in” partner explores how they’ve contributed to the current state and what changes they’d make if given the chance.

Step 3: Rejoin and Reflect (20–30 min)

The counselor brings the couple back together.

Each partner summarizes insights they’ve gained (not negotiations).

The counselor helps them reflect on next steps — maintaining clarity and empathy.

If Further Sessions Occur:

Each session deepens understanding and moves toward one of three decisions:

Maintain the status quo for now.

Begin the process of separation/divorce.

Commit to couples therapy for six months of active repair work.

Would you like me to show you a brief example dialogue from a discernment counseling session — one “leaning out” partner and one “leaning in”?

A brief example dialogue:
Here’s a brief, realistic example dialogue illustrating how a discernment counseling session might unfold when one partner is unsure (leaning out) and the other wants to save the marriage (leaning in).

Scene: First Session:
Couple: Female Client (leaning out) and Male Client (leaning in)
Counselor

Counselor: Thank you both for being here. My role today isn’t to push you toward staying or separating, but to help you both understand what’s happened and what each of you wants moving forward. Sound okay?

Female Client: Yes. I’m not sure what I want right now — I’ve thought about leaving, but I also feel guilty and confused.

Male Client: I just want us to work on things. I know it’s been bad, but I believe we can fix it.

Counselor: That’s very common. In discernment counseling, we call this a mixed-agenda couple — one partner is leaning out, the other leaning in. My job is to help each of you get clearer about your own feelings and choices, not to pressure either way.

Individual Conversations:
(Counselor: with Female Client)
Counselor: Female Client, what’s leading you to think about ending the marriage?

Female Client: I just feel done. We’ve had the same arguments for years, and I don’t feel heard anymore. I’m tired of hoping things will change.

Counselor: That sounds painful. What part of you still feels uncertain?

Female client: Well, we have two kids. And when Male Client tries, he really tries. I just don’t know if it’s too late.

Counselor: That uncertainty — that small opening — is something we can explore. Today, we’re not deciding; we’re understanding.

(Counselor with Male Client):
Counselor: Client, what’s your hope for today?

Male Client: I want to show her I’m serious about changing. I know I’ve shut down emotionally, but I’m willing to do therapy or whatever it takes.

Counselor: It’s good that you’re motivated. But remember, today isn’t about persuading Female Client it’s about understanding your part in how things got here. What do you think has been your contribution?

Male Client: I’ve avoided hard conversations. I think I made her feel alone.

Counselor: That’s an honest reflection — a good step toward clarity.

Joint Wrap-Up:
Counselor: You’ve both shared important insights today. Female Client, you’re recognizing how exhaustion and hope are both present. Male Client, you’re seeing where withdrawal played a role.

My suggestion is that you both take a few days to reflect. When we meet next time, we can look at three possible paths:

Keep things as they are for now.

Move toward separation.

Commit to a period of structured couples therapy to rebuild.

The goal is clarity, not a rush to a decision.

Shervan K Shahhian

Trauma Response, what is it:

A trauma response is the body and mind’s automatic reaction to a deeply distressing or threatening event. It’s how a person survives, processes, and adapts after trauma.

Common Types of Trauma Responses
Fight — Reacting with aggression or control to regain safety or power.
Example: Arguing, yelling, or trying to dominate a situation.

Flight — Escaping or avoiding the threat.
Example: Running away, overworking, or distracting oneself to feel safe.

Freeze — Becoming immobile or numb.
Example: Feeling paralyzed, dissociated, or “checked out.”

Fawn — Appeasing others to avoid harm.
Example: People-pleasing, suppressing personal needs, or trying to keep peace at any cost.

Psychological Effects
Hypervigilance (always on alert)

Emotional numbness or detachment

Intrusive memories or flashbacks

Shame, guilt, or self-blame

Difficulty trusting others or regulating emotions

Physiological Effects
Heightened heart rate, muscle tension, or rapid breathing

Sleep problems or fatigue

Chronic stress or health issues from prolonged activation of the stress response system

Healing Involves
Safety and stabilization (feeling secure in one’s body and environment)

Processing the traumatic memory in therapy

Reconnecting with self and others through trust, mindfulness, and self-compassion.

Shervan K Shahhian