trauma – LIBERTY PSYCHOLOGICAL ASSOCIATION

Early Attachment Disruption, what is it:

Early Attachment Disruption refers to disturbances in the bond between an infant and their primary caregiver during the first years of life, especially when the caregiver is inconsistent, neglectful, intrusive, frightening, or emotionally unavailable.

Because early attachment shapes the developing nervous system, identity, and emotional regulation, disruption at this stage can have long-lasting psychological effects.

What Is “Attachment”?

Attachment is the child’s biological drive to seek safety and regulation through proximity to a caregiver. A secure attachment teaches the nervous system:

“I am safe.”

“My needs matter.”

“Others are reliable.”

“Emotions can be regulated.”

When this process is disrupted, the child adapts, but often in survival-based ways.

What Causes Early Attachment Disruption?
Common causes include:

Chronic emotional neglect

Maternal depression

Substance abuse in caregivers

Abuse (physical, sexual, emotional)

Institutionalization (e.g., orphanages)

Frequent separations

Frightened or frightening caregiver behavior

Unresolved caregiver trauma

Disruption can happen even when material needs are met. Emotional attunement is key.

Types of Attachment Patterns That May Develop
When early attachment is unstable, children often develop:

Insecure-Avoidant
Caregiver emotionally unavailable: child suppresses needs.
Insecure-Ambivalent (Anxious)
Caregiver inconsistent: child becomes hypervigilant and clingy.
Disorganized Attachment
Caregiver is source of both safety and fear: child shows contradictory behaviors.
Often linked to trauma.

Disorganized attachment is strongly associated with later dissociation and identity instability, themes you’ve been exploring in recent questions.

Psychological Effects in Adulthood
Early attachment disruption can manifest as:

Emotional instability

Chronic anxiety or panic

Fear of abandonment

Traumatic attachment patterns

Identity diffusion

Dissociative tendencies

Difficulty trusting

Existential insecurity

At a nervous system level:
The system may remain in chronic hyperarousal, shutdown, or oscillation.

Neurobiological Impact

Early relational stress affects:

“CONSULT A NEUROLOGIST/MEDICAL DOCTOR“

Stress-response systems (HPA axis)
Limbic system development
Right-hemisphere regulation
Vagal tone
Implicit memory networks

In other words, attachment disruption is not just psychological, it is embodied.

Can It Be Healed?

Maybe, through corrective relational experiences.

Healing often may involves:

Trauma-informed therapy
Somatic regulation work
Consistent, safe relationships
Mentalization and reflective capacity
Gradual exposure to intimacy without overwhelm

Earned secure attachment is possible.

Early attachment shapes not only emotional regulation but the basic structure of the self, the felt sense of being real, continuous, and safe in existence.

Shervan K Shahhian

Traumatic Attachment, what is it:

Traumatic attachment (often called trauma bonding) is a strong emotional attachment that develops between a person and someone who mistreats, abuses, or intermittently harms them.

It is not just “staying in a bad relationship.” It is a psychological bond reinforced by cycles of fear, relief, hope, and reward.

What Is Traumatic Attachment?

Traumatic attachment occurs when:

There is abuse, neglect, or emotional harm
The harmful person is also a source of comfort, love, or safety
The relationship includes intermittent reinforcement (kindness mixed with cruelty)
The victim becomes increasingly dependent

This creates a powerful attachment that can feel like love, but is rooted in survival dynamics.

How It Forms

From an attachment theory perspective:

Humans are wired to attach to caregivers or attachment figures.
When safety and threat come from the same person, the nervous system becomes confused.
The brain prioritizes connection for survival, even if the connection is harmful.
“Consult a Neurologist“
Stress hormones spike during conflict.
Relief or affection releases dopamine and oxytocin.
The cycle creates a chemical addiction pattern similar to gambling reinforcement.

The unpredictability strengthens the bond.

Signs of Traumatic Attachment

Defending or rationalizing the abuser
Intense loyalty despite repeated harm
Feeling unable to leave, even when you want to
Mistaking intensity for love
Craving the “good moments” after abuse
Fear of abandonment greater than fear of harm
Self-blame for the other person’s behavior

Common Contexts

Abusive romantic relationships
Narcissistic or coercive dynamics
Parent-child relationships with inconsistent care
Cult-like or high-control environments
Hostage-like psychological situations

How It Differs from Healthy Attachment

Healthy attachment:

Stable
Predictable
Safe
Allows autonomy

Traumatic attachment:

Intense
Chaotic
Fear-based
Identity-eroding

Healthy love feels secure.
Trauma bonds feel urgent.

Why It’s So Hard to Break

Breaking a traumatic attachment can feel like:

Withdrawal from addiction
Losing your identity
Psychological free fall
Existential panic

The nervous system equates separation with danger.

Clinical Insight

Disorganized attachment
Repetition compulsion
Trauma reenactment
Object constancy deficits
Developmental trauma

It’s not weakness, it’s a survival adaptation that became maladaptive.

Shervan K Shahhian

Trauma-Informed Premarital Framework, explained:

A Trauma-Informed Premarital Framework adapts traditional premarital counseling to explicitly account for attachment injury, developmental trauma, relational trauma, and dissociation, rather than assuming two mostly secure, self-regulating partners. Below is a clinically rigorous, integrative framework you can use for assessment, psychoeducation, and intervention.

Core Assumptions (Trauma-Informed Shift)

Traditional premarital models assume:

Conflict = skills deficit

Intimacy avoidance = immaturity

Reactivity = poor communication

A trauma-informed model assumes:

Conflict often = threat activation

Avoidance = nervous system protection

Reactivity = implicit memory discharge

This reframes “compatibility” as capacity for co-regulation and repair, not just shared values.

Framework Overview (6 Domains)

1. Attachment & Developmental History Mapping

Goal: Identify implicit relational templates before commitment.

Assess:

Childhood attachment style (earned vs insecure)

Caregiver unpredictability, role reversal, emotional neglect

Prior relational trauma (betrayal, abandonment, coercion)

Key questions:

What does closeness activate for you , relief or vigilance?

What does conflict predict in your body , repair or rupture?

Red flags:

Idealization without differentiation

“I don’t need anyone” narratives

Trauma bonding misread as chemistry

2. Nervous System Profiles & Trigger Cycles

Goal: Make implicit threat responses explicit.

Map:

Fight / flight / freeze / fawn patterns

Somatic cues preceding conflict

Typical escalation loops (e.g., pursuer–withdrawer)

Intervention:

Create a shared trigger map

Name states as states, not identities

Reframe:

“You’re not incompatible , you’re dysregulated together.”

3. Conflict Meaning & Repair Capacity

Goal: Assess rupture tolerance, not conflict avoidance.

Evaluate:

Ability to stay present under emotional load

Repair attempts after rupture

Time-to-repair duration

Trauma marker:

Conflict = existential threat (“This means we’re doomed”)

Stonewalling, dissociation, or catastrophic meaning-making

Practice:

Structured rupture, repair rehearsals

Post-conflict debriefs focused on state shifts, not blame

4. Boundaries, Autonomy & Enmeshment Risk

Goal: Prevent reenactment of control or fusion dynamics.

Assess:

Differentiation under stress

Guilt around saying no

Rescue / caretaker roles

Watch for:

“We do everything together”

One partner regulating the other’s emotions

Identity loss framed as devotion

Trauma-informed boundary reframe:

Boundaries are nervous system stabilizers, not walls.

5. Intimacy, Sexuality & Trauma Imprints

Goal: De-shame trauma-coded intimacy patterns.

Explore:

Desire discrepancies

Sexual shutdown or compulsivity

Trauma-linked arousal vs secure desire

Normalize:

Arousal ≠ consent ≠ safety

Love can feel boring when trauma equates intensity with connection

Interventions:

Sensate-focus style exercises with opt-out normalization

Explicit consent language practice

6. Meaning-Making, Values & Narrative Integration

Goal: Align future orientation without bypassing trauma.

Assess:

How each partner explains suffering

Spiritual or existential beliefs about love, sacrifice, permanence

Red flag:

“Marriage will heal me”

Redemption-through-relationship narratives

Reframe:

Marriage amplifies existing regulation patterns , it doesn’t replace them.

Readiness Indicators (Trauma-Informed)

A couple is premaritally ready when:

Both can name their own triggers without defensiveness

Repair happens without coercion or withdrawal

Each partner can self-regulate for short periods

Trauma is owned, not outsourced to the relationship

Contraindications for Marriage (at Present)

Not moral judgments , timing signals:

Active untreated PTSD with relational flashbacks

Ongoing addiction or compulsive dissociation

Recurrent emotional or psychological abuse

One partner acting as therapist, parent, or regulator

Integration With Existing Models

This framework can overlay:

Gottman to add nervous system literacy

EFT to add trauma-paced titration

IMAGO to reduce reenactment romanticization

Internal Family Systems to dyadic parts mapping

Clinical Stance Slow the process

Normalize ambivalence

Privilege felt safety over insight

Treat “love” as a capacity, not just an emotion

Shervan K Shahhian

Money and Trauma, the connection:

Money and Trauma:

The connection between money and trauma is complex and deeply psychological. Money often carries emotional, cultural, and symbolic weight beyond its practical function. Trauma can significantly shape how people think about, handle, and relate to money.

Here’s a thorough breakdown:

1. Early Life Experiences

Childhood experiences with scarcity, neglect, or instability can create lasting financial anxieties.
Examples:
Growing up in poverty hyper-vigilance around spending and saving.
Witnessing parental financial conflict money may trigger fear, guilt, or shame.
These patterns can persist into adulthood, often unconsciously influencing financial behavior.

2. Money as a Trauma Trigger

Certain money-related situations can reactivate past trauma:
Receiving bills or debt notifications may trigger panic or shame.
Discussions about salary, inheritance, or financial decisions can evoke childhood fears or feelings of inadequacy.
Trauma survivors may associate money with control, danger, or powerlessness.

3. Financial Coping Mechanisms

Trauma can lead to specific money-related behaviors:

Behavior Possible Trauma Link Hoarding / Over-saving Fear of scarcity or loss from past deprivation Impulsive spending Attempt to self-soothe, regulate emotions, or seek immediate relief financial avoidance Anxiety so intense that one avoids bills, budgeting, or money discussions Debt accumulation / gambling Attempt to regain control or escape feelings of inadequacy

4. Money and Self-Worth

Trauma can make financial status tightly linked to identity and self-esteem:
“If I have money, I am safe.”
“If I lose money, I am a failure.”
Chronic trauma may lead to shame or guilt around financial success, even if objectively achieved.

5. Intergenerational Trauma

Money habits and attitudes can be transmitted across generations:
Families affected by war, migration, or poverty may pass down beliefs like “money is dangerous” or “rich people are bad.”
Children internalize these messages, shaping their financial behavior and emotional response.

6. Healing and Integration

Trauma-informed approaches to money can help break cycles:

Awareness: Identifying emotional triggers and patterns related to money.
Reframing: Redefining money as a tool rather than a source of shame or fear.
Mindfulness & Emotion Regulation: Learning to tolerate financial anxiety without reacting impulsively.
Therapeutic Support: Trauma-informed therapy, such as EMDR or somatic approaches, can address the root emotional wounds tied to money.

Key Insight:
Money isn’t inherently stressful, but trauma can make it a symbolic battlefield — representing safety, control, identity, and self-worth. Healing the financial relationship often involves addressing the underlying emotional trauma, not just the budget.

Here’s a detailed list of common money-trauma patterns along with practical ways to work through them. I’ll organize it so it’s easy to apply personally or in therapy:

1. Financial Hoarding / Over-Saving

Pattern:

Extreme fear of running out of money.
Reluctance to spend even on necessary items.
Viewing money as the only form of safety.

Trauma Link:

Childhood scarcity, poverty, or unpredictable finances.

Ways to Work Through It:

Budget with Intention: Allocate money for essentials and some “joy spending” to normalize spending.
Gradual Exposure: Start with small, intentional expenditures to retrain emotional responses.
Therapy: Explore underlying scarcity beliefs and reframe money as a tool, not a survival anchor.

2. Impulsive Spending / Retail Therapy

Pattern:

Buying things to cope with anxiety, sadness, or boredom.
Accumulation of unnecessary items or debt.

Trauma Link:

Early emotional neglect, abandonment, or unmet needs leading to self-soothing behaviors.

Ways to Work Through It:

Track Triggers: Note emotional states before spending.
Alternative Coping: Replace spending with healthier self-soothing (journaling, walking, connecting with supportive friends).
Set Boundaries: Use cash-only or spending limits for non-essential purchases.

3. Financial Avoidance

Pattern:

Ignoring bills, bank statements, or budget planning.
Procrastination and anxiety around money discussions.

Trauma Link:

Feeling powerless or unsafe in childhood financial matters.

Ways to Work Through It:

Structured Approach: Schedule a short, consistent time weekly to review finances.
Emotional Check-In: Pair financial tasks with grounding exercises (breathing, mindfulness).
Professional Support: Financial counseling combined with trauma-informed therapy can reduce overwhelm.

4. Debt Accumulation / Gambling

Pattern:

Repeated borrowing or risky financial behaviors despite negative consequences.
Seeking quick fixes for emotional relief or control.

Trauma Link:

Early experiences of instability, lack of control, or inconsistent rewards.

Ways to Work Through It:

Immediate Accountability: Work with a financial coach or trusted partner.
Identify Emotional Drivers: Use journaling to uncover feelings driving risky behaviors.
Therapy for Impulse Control: CBT, DBT, or trauma-informed therapy to build healthy coping.

5. Money-Linked Self-Worth Issues

Pattern:

Self-esteem tied to earning, spending, or saving money.
Shame around financial status, whether high or low.

Trauma Link:

Family messages linking worth to financial success or failure.
Experiences of judgment or criticism around money.

Ways to Work Through It:

Internal Validation: Practice self-compassion independent of finances.
Cognitive Reframing: Challenge “I am my money” thoughts with evidence of intrinsic value.
Affirmations & Gratitude: Focus on non-financial achievements and relationships.

6. Intergenerational Money Anxiety

Pattern:

Fear or distrust of money inherited from family beliefs (e.g., “rich people are greedy”).
Repeating parents’ money mistakes unconsciously.

Trauma Link:

Historical family poverty, war, or financial instability.

Ways to Work Through It:

Awareness: Identify inherited beliefs versus personal values.
Create New Patterns: Intentionally practice healthy financial habits.
Ritual or Symbolic Acts: Writing letters to ancestors or creating “financial affirmations” can reframe inherited trauma.

7. Avoiding Financial Conversations

Pattern:

Fear of discussing money with partners, family, or advisors.
Leads to secrecy, conflict, or passive financial patterns.

Trauma Link:

Childhood experiences where money talk caused conflict or shame.

Ways to Work Through It:

Safe Communication Practice: Start with neutral topics or shared goals.
Therapeutic Coaching: Practice assertive financial communication in therapy.
Joint Planning: Use tools or systems to make money discussions objective rather than emotional.

Key Insight:
All of these patterns are adaptive responses to past trauma. Healing involves awareness, emotional regulation, gradual exposure, and reframing beliefs about money as a neutral tool rather than a threat or measure of worth.

Shervan K Shahhian

Memory-Based Forecasting, what is it:

Memory-based forecasting is when the mind predicts the future by replaying the past, using stored memories (especially emotional ones) as templates for what’s “likely” to happen next.

In short:

“This happened before, so it will probably happen again.”

That sounds rational on the surface, but psychologically it’s more biased than accurate.

How it works

The brain is a prediction machine. When something mattered emotionally—especially if it involved threat, shame, loss, or rejection—the memory gets tagged as important for survival. Later, when a vaguely similar situation shows up, the nervous system says:

“I recognize this.”
“Last time this hurt.”
“Prepare accordingly.”

So the future gets filled in before it actually arrives.

Common signs

Expecting the same outcome even when circumstances have changed
Overestimating risk because of past pain
Feeling emotionally certain about a prediction without new evidence
“I just know how this will end”
Strong bodily reactions (tight chest, dread) tied to imagined futures

Where it shows up a lot

Trauma & attachment wounds (past ≠ present, but the body disagrees)
Anxiety & depression (selective recall of negative outcomes)
Relationships (“People always leave / disappoint / betray”)
Clinical work: clients confusing memory activation with intuition

Memory ≠ prophecy

A key distinction:

Memory-based forecasting = pattern completion driven by old data
Reality-based forecasting = updating predictions with current evidence

Trauma especially freezes the prediction model in time.

Why it feels so convincing

Because it’s not just a thought—it’s:

Emotional
Somatic
Fast
Protective

The body reacts as if the future is already happening.

Helpful counter-moves (gentle, not dismissive)

Context updating: “What’s different now compared to then?”
Probability thinking instead of certainty (“possible” vs “inevitable”)
Somatic checking: noticing that fear ≠ forecast
Memory labeling: “This is a memory echo, not a preview”

One-line reframe

“My nervous system is remembering, not predicting.”

Shervan K Shahhian

Reduced shame around Survival Behaviors, explained:

Reduced shame around survival behaviors refers to the process of recognizing, reframing, and emotionally releasing shame tied to coping strategies that once helped you survive threat, trauma, neglect, or chronic stress.

In trauma-informed psychology, this is considered a key marker of healing and integration.

What are “survival behaviors”?

Survival behaviors are adaptive responses, not character flaws. Common examples include:

Hypervigilance or control
Emotional numbing or dissociation
People-pleasing or fawning
Avoidance or withdrawal
Aggression or defensiveness
Perfectionism or over-functioning
Addictive or compulsive patterns
Fantasy, absorption, or retreat into inner worlds

These behaviors emerged because at one time they worked.

What does “reduced shame” mean in this context?

It does not mean approving of harmful behaviors. It means:

Understanding why the behavior developed
Separating identity from coping strategy
Replacing moral judgment with compassion
Holding accountability without self-attack

Shame says: “I am bad.”
Integration says: “This was a solution under pressure.”

Signs that shame is reducing

You may notice:

Less self-contempt when recalling past behavior
Curiosity replacing self-criticism
The ability to say, “That makes sense” instead of “What’s wrong with me?”
Greater choice: the behavior is no longer automatic
Increased nervous system regulation
A felt sense of dignity returning

Clinically, this reflects movement from trauma-based identity fusion toward self-coherence.

Why shame loosens as healing occurs

Shame is often:

An internalized survival strategy itself
A byproduct of relational trauma
Reinforced by moralistic or pathologizing frameworks

As safety increases, the nervous system no longer needs shame to enforce compliance or conceal vulnerability.

This is especially true in somatic, parts-based, and phenomenological approaches, where behaviors are contextualized rather than condemned.

Reframing formula (simple but powerful)

“This behavior arose to protect something vulnerable when no better option was available.”

This reframing does not erase responsibility, but it restores humanity.

Clinical note

In both trauma work and parapsychological phenomenology, reduced shame is essential for:

Clear discernment
Decreased projection
Less distortion of perception
Greater signal-to-noise clarity

Shame narrows perception. Integration widens it.

Shervan K Shahhian

Healing Approach for Trauma-Adapted Survival Strategy:

A Healing Approach to Trauma-Adapted Survival Strategies focuses on honoring what once protected the person while gently helping the nervous system, identity, and relational patterns reorganize toward safety, flexibility, and choice.

Below is a non-pathologizing framework that fits well with trauma-informed psychology and somatic work.

1. Reframe the Strategy as Intelligent Protection

Core principle: Nothing is “wrong” with the survivor.

Trauma-adapted strategies (hypervigilance, dissociation, control, people-pleasing, withdrawal, spiritual bypassing, etc.) were adaptive responses to threat.

Healing move

Shift language from symptom to strategy
Acknowledge:“This kept me alive when I had no other options.”

This reframing reduces shame and softens internal resistance to change.

2. Establish Nervous System Safety First

Trauma strategies persist because the autonomic nervous system still perceives danger.

Key approaches

Somatic grounding (breath, posture, orienting)
Polyvagal-informed regulation
Titrated exposure to sensation (not story)
Rhythm, repetition, and predictability

Goal

Move from chronic survival states (fight/flight/freeze/fawn) toward felt safety
Build capacity before processing meaning or memory

Regulation precedes insight.

3. Differentiate Past Threat from Present Reality

Trauma strategies are time-locked.

Healing task

Help the system recognize:
“That was then. This is now.”

Methods

Parts-based work (e.g., IFS-informed)
Somatic tracking of “younger” responses
Explicit orientation to present cues of safety
Gentle boundary experiments in real time

This restores temporal integration, reducing overgeneralized threat detection.

4. Update the Strategy Instead of Eliminating It

Trying to “get rid of” survival strategies often retraumatizes.

Instead

Negotiate with the strategy:
- What is it protecting?
- What does it fear would happen if it relaxed?
Offer new resources:
- Choice
- Support
- Boundaries
- Agency

Example

Hypervigilance → discernment
Dissociation → selective distancing
Control to intentional leadership
People-pleasing to attuned reciprocity

The strategy evolves rather than disappears.

5. Repair Attachment and Relational Safety

Many trauma adaptations are relational.

Healing requires

Consistent, non-exploitative connection
Rupture-and-repair experiences
Clear boundaries + emotional presence
Witnessing without fixing or invading

Relational safety teaches the nervous system that connection is not inherently dangerous.

6. Integrate Meaning Without Over-Narrating

Cognitive insight alone can become another survival strategy.

Balanced integration

Meaning emerges after regulation
Narrative is anchored in bodily truth
Avoid spiritual or intellectual bypass

Signs of integration

Less urgency to explain
More tolerance for ambiguity
Increased spontaneity and play
Reduced identity fusion with the trauma

7. Cultivate Choice and Flexibility

Healing is not the absence of survival responses.
It is the ability to choose.

Markers of healing

Pausing before reacting
Access to multiple responses
Self-compassion during activation
Faster recovery after stress
Reduced shame around survival behaviors

Core Healing Orientation (Summary)

“This protected me once.
I thank it.
I no longer need it to run my life.”

Trauma healing is not erasure.
It is integration, updating, and liberation of energy once bound to survival.

Shervan K Shahhian

Trauma-Adapted Survival Strategy, what is it:

A Trauma-Adapted Survival Strategy is a pattern of thinking, feeling, and behaving that develops in response to overwhelming or chronic threat, especially when escape, protection, or support were unavailable. These strategies are adaptive at the time of trauma, but can become maladaptive later when they persist outside the original danger context.

In short:
They are survival intelligence, not pathology.

Core Definition

A Trauma-Adapted Survival Strategy is:
An automatic nervous-system–driven response
Shaped by early, repeated, or inescapable stress
Designed to preserve safety, attachment, or control
Maintained long after the original threat has passed

They are learned bottom-up (body → brain), not chosen consciously.

Why These Strategies Form

Trauma overwhelms:
Fight
Flight
Freeze
Attach
Meaning-making

When these systems fail or are punished, the nervous system creates compensatory strategies to survive.
Examples:
If expressing emotion led to harm emotional suppression
If abandonment was likely hyper-vigilance to others’ moods
If resistance was dangerous compliance or dissociation

Common Trauma-Adapted Survival Strategies

Hypervigilance

Constant scanning for danger, tone shifts, micro-threats
Originally: to anticipate harm
Later: anxiety, exhaustion, relational tension

People-Pleasing / Fawning

Appeasing others to prevent conflict or abandonment
Originally: ensured attachment safety
Later: loss of boundaries, resentment, identity confusion

Emotional Numbing / Dissociation

Reducing awareness of pain or emotion
Originally: prevented overwhelm
Later: disconnection, emptiness, memory gaps

Control and Perfectionism

Rigid order to prevent chaos
Originally: created predictability
Later: burnout, rigidity, shame

Avoidance / Withdrawal

Staying away from triggers, intimacy, risk
Originally: reduced danger exposure
Later: isolation, missed opportunities

Aggression or Dominance

Preemptive power to avoid vulnerability
Originally: deterrence
Later: relational rupture, shame cycles

Intellectualization or Spiritualization

Staying in cognition or meaning to avoid affect
Originally: preserved coherence
Later: emotional bypassing

Key Characteristics

Trauma-adapted strategies are:
Automatic (not deliberate)
State-dependent
Context-blind (activated even when danger is absent)
Self-protective
Deeply embodied

They are not character flaws.

Trauma Strategy vs Healthy Adaptation

Trauma-Adapted Healthy Strategy Rigid Flexible Fear-driven Choice-driven Context-blind Context-sensitive Body-overrides mind Mind and body cooperate Survival-focused Growth-oriented

Clinical Insight (Important)

Trauma-adapted strategies:
Often look like personality traits
Are frequently misdiagnosed as disorders
Must be respected before they can soften
Cannot be changed through insight alone

The nervous system must learn:
“I am safe now.”

Healing Approach

Effective work involves:
Somatic regulation
Tracking triggers and states
Building present-moment safety
Replacing strategies, not removing them
Honoring the intelligence of the adaptation

You don’t “get rid” of a survival strategy
You update it.

Reframe
“This isn’t who I am.
This is what kept me alive.”
Shervan K Shahhian

Trauma-Informed Premarital Framework, explained:

Core Assumptions (Trauma-Informed Shift)
Traditional premarital models assume:

Conflict = skills deficit

Intimacy avoidance = immaturity

Reactivity = poor communication

A trauma-informed model assumes:

Conflict often = threat activation

Avoidance = nervous system protection

Reactivity = implicit memory discharge

This reframes “compatibility” as capacity for co-regulation and repair, not just shared values.

Framework Overview (6 Domains)
1. Attachment & Developmental History Mapping
Goal: Identify implicit relational templates before commitment.

Assess:

Childhood attachment style (earned vs insecure)

Caregiver unpredictability, role reversal, emotional neglect

Prior relational trauma (betrayal, abandonment, coercion)

Key questions:

What does closeness activate for you , relief or vigilance?

What does conflict predict in your body , repair or rupture?

Red flags:

Idealization without differentiation

“I don’t need anyone” narratives

Trauma bonding misread as chemistry

2. Nervous System Profiles & Trigger Cycles
Goal: Make implicit threat responses explicit.

Map:

Fight / flight / freeze / fawn patterns

Somatic cues preceding conflict

Typical escalation loops (e.g., pursuer–withdrawer)

Intervention:

Create a shared trigger map

Name states as states, not identities

Reframe:

“You’re not incompatible , you’re dysregulated together.”

3. Conflict Meaning & Repair Capacity
Goal: Assess rupture tolerance, not conflict avoidance.

Evaluate:

Ability to stay present under emotional load

Repair attempts after rupture

Time-to-repair duration

Trauma marker:

Conflict = existential threat (“This means we’re doomed”)

Stonewalling, dissociation, or catastrophic meaning-making

Practice:

Structured rupture, repair rehearsals

Post-conflict debriefs focused on state shifts, not blame

4. Boundaries, Autonomy & Enmeshment Risk
Goal: Prevent reenactment of control or fusion dynamics.

Assess:

Differentiation under stress

Guilt around saying no

Rescue / caretaker roles

Watch for:

“We do everything together”

One partner regulating the other’s emotions

Identity loss framed as devotion

Trauma-informed boundary reframe:

Boundaries are nervous system stabilizers, not walls.

5. Intimacy, Sexuality & Trauma Imprints
Goal: De-shame trauma-coded intimacy patterns.

Explore:

Desire discrepancies

Sexual shutdown or compulsivity

Trauma-linked arousal vs secure desire

Normalize:

Arousal ≠ consent ≠ safety

Love can feel boring when trauma equates intensity with connection

Interventions:

Sensate-focus style exercises with opt-out normalization

Explicit consent language practice

6. Meaning-Making, Values & Narrative Integration
Goal: Align future orientation without bypassing trauma.

Assess:

How each partner explains suffering

Spiritual or existential beliefs about love, sacrifice, permanence

Red flag:

“Marriage will heal me”

Redemption-through-relationship narratives

Reframe:

Marriage amplifies existing regulation patterns , it doesn’t replace them.

Readiness Indicators (Trauma-Informed)
A couple is premaritally ready when:

Both can name their own triggers without defensiveness

Repair happens without coercion or withdrawal

Each partner can self-regulate for short periods

Trauma is owned, not outsourced to the relationship

Contraindications for Marriage (at Present)
Not moral judgments , timing signals:

Active untreated PTSD with relational flashbacks

Ongoing addiction or compulsive dissociation

Recurrent emotional or psychological abuse

One partner acting as therapist, parent, or regulator

Integration With Existing Models
This framework can overlay:

Gottman to add nervous system literacy

EFT to add trauma-paced titration

IMAGO to reduce reenactment romanticization

Internal Family Systems to dyadic parts mapping

Clinical Stance
Slow the process

Normalize ambivalence

Privilege felt safety over insight

Treat “love” as a capacity, not just an emotion

Shervan K Shahhian

Embodied Knowing, explained:

Embodied knowing refers to knowledge that arises through the body rather than through conscious, verbal, or purely cognitive reasoning. It is a form of intelligence that is felt, sensed, enacted, and lived, often preceding language or explicit thought.

Core idea
The body knows before the mind explains.
This knowing shows up as sensations, impulses, tensions, movements, emotions, or visceral “yes/no” signals that carry meaning — even when you can’t yet articulate why.

Key characteristics
Pre-verbal — exists before words or narratives
Implicit — not always consciously accessible
Somatic — felt in muscles, posture, breath, gut, heart, skin
Context-sensitive — responds rapidly to environmental cues
Nonlinear — doesn’t follow step-by-step logic

Common examples
A gut feeling about a person or situation
Sudden bodily tightening signaling danger
A sense of ease or alignment when something is “right”
Emotional or physical reactions that contradict conscious beliefs
Therapeutic insight that arrives as a bodily shift rather than a thought
Psychological & neuroscience perspectives
Trauma psychology: The body stores survival learning when cognition is overwhelmed

Somatic psychology (Levine, Ogden): The nervous system encodes experience as sensation and movement
Damasio’s somatic marker hypothesis: Bodily states guide decision-making
Implicit memory: Knowledge without conscious recall
Clinical relevance

Embodied knowing is central to:

Trauma resolution
Dissociative phenomena
Attachment repair

Somatic therapies (SE, Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, Brainspotting)
Transpersonal and non-ordinary states
Symptoms often labeled as “pathology” are frequently expressions of embodied intelligence attempting regulation, protection, or meaning-making.

Distinguishing embodied knowing from imagination or belief
Embodied KnowingConceptual BeliefFelt immediatelyThought aboutOften surprisingFamiliarAffects physiologyMostly cognitiveHard to fakeEasy to constructLeads to actionLeads to explanation

When it becomes distorted
Embodied knowing can be misleading when:

Trauma conditioning dominates perception
Dissociation disconnects sensation from awareness
Chronic threat states bias interpretation
This doesn’t invalidate it — it means it requires attunement and integration, not suppression.

Cultivating embodied knowing
Interoceptive awareness (tracking breath, tension, warmth)
Slow movement and posture awareness
Pendulation between sensation and meaning
Naming sensations after feeling them
Letting meaning emerge rather than forcing interpretation
Shervan K Shahhian